me and my bf are both 21 and have been dating for almost 4 months. he lives with his family and i live alone, so until now he’s always come over to my house. i went to his house yesterday and it was terrible.
i walked in and his mom and brother were sitting on the couch, and i had already met them one time before on halloween, so there were no introductions, and my bf and i brought food, so we walked into the kitchen, and i have really bad anxiety especially social anxiety, and so i just walked in and followed my bf. but then his mom got up and turned to me and said something like “usually when you come to someone’s house for the first time, you say something like ‘hi. how are you?’” and told me i did the same thing (not saying anything) on halloween and i had no manners and was disrespectful.
she went upstairs and then i started silently sobbing because i was already nervous and uncomfortable and i just felt like she hated me and i wasn’t welcome there and i was really offended and embarrassed. my bf had to try to console me until like 5 minutes later his mom came downstairs again, asked why i was crying, my bf talked to her, and she talked to me and apologized but i still felt embarrassed and wasn’t sure where i stood and spent most of the rest of my time there crying.
i’m really upset and can’t believe that’s the first impression i made
49 comments
Fuck them. They’re obviously snobbish and don’t care about your anxiety. As long as your bf loves you is all that matters. Be you.
I’m sorry that happened, she was the one being rude. Those kind of situations can be intimating and hard and she could have handled that much better. You’re so young too!
Tip for next time: it’s always safe to just say hi, whether you’ve met anyone before or not. I just kind of address the whole room, just to be safe.
And being there will get easier, and your boyfriend won’t live home forever. Chin up!
The way she went about it seems a little harsh, but usually it is a polite and expected thing to do to greet the owner of the house youre going to be spending time in.
My mum does this with us, she doesn’t do it with other people. I know how it feels do.
The social norm for a homeowner is to welcome a guest to their home. So the requirement is for the Mother to welcome the son’s friend to her home. The mother is the mature person, who should know the social norms. The young lady is 21, new to some social norms.
The young lady should look for a new boyfriend.
Nothing will ever change in the household, where she would feel comfortable.
No when you walk into someones house and there’s people there you should greet them. It’s rude asf not to. But it’s okay! Just a rule of thumb say hi when you walk in a room
I always found this to be so shitty and judgmental. If somebody new were to come into my home, I would welcome them the second they entered. Why wait for somebody who’s probably intimidated and already nervous that they would be unwelcome, to say hi to you?
His mom totally reminds me of my mom. I’m really sorry you had to experience that reaction, that was incredibly disrespectful of her to treat you that way.
Would *this* encounter have been less awkward if you greeted his mom? Probably. But I have a feeling you were bound to experience this kind of attitude from her at some point anyways.
I have been diagnosed with anxiety and have experienced situational anxiety at different points in my life. It isn’t fun and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. In my opinion, you didn’t do anything wrong. They should have greeted you if it was that big of a deal. With all that said I have personally found that CBD has made living with anxiety a lot easier. Have you tried CBD and or anything else for anxiety?
As a good social practice, you should always greet them when you meet them, with a friendly attitude. But it’s not a big mistake that defines you as having “no manners” or something that can’t be learned. I understand your situation of living alone and having social anxiety and why it may be confusing or frustrating for you this kind of situation. You should not be ashamed and feel bad about yourself, I’m sure you are a great person and you are worthy of respect. Also, her mother was rude, she could just greet you first and make things easier for everybody. She has a controlling attitude because your bf is still depending on his parents. Also, your boyfriend could just warn you what his mother expects from you or something.
Anyway, don’t feel guilty, it’s not a mistake to worry about, just next time greet them and they will see you for what a great person you are.
Don’t take it personal she just wants her son’s girlfriend to have some manners. Say hi next time and move on. Don’t beat yourself for it
Yea I can understand the social anxiety and thats something that you should look to work on. Practicing small talk will help you.
With that being said, you went to her house and she could have EASILY greeted you since you were going into her house. And your bf maybe should have thought to do a greeting even if he isnt there all the time to help, but mostly its on the mom. She was more rude then you. If your bf is supportive thats all that matters. But do try to work on that small talk simply for your own sake.
I’m sorry this happened to you. She seems rude for confronting you like this. However, I feel your bf should have taken you to where his mom is so you both could greet one another. Moving forward, talk to your bf to see how you both can navigate this again in the future.
They’re welcoming you into their home, you should go baring gifts/kind gestures to show them you’re appreciative of being there. But his mom does seem like a C Bag, she has a point though.
You’re in the wrong. Learn to greet your elders
You always need to have pleasantries with a significant others family members. Sounds like she didn’t mean to make you cry and did apologize. I’d say hi back again sooner rather than later and hopefully put it behind you.
How would they know she has anxiety? They barely met ONE time before.
She did overreact but you didn’t greet his mum? Wtf. Maybe I’m shocked because I’m African and we’re more cultured and respectful.
Sorry but you were totally rude. His mother was right.
Usually at least in my experience, the homeowners greet their visitors but if it’s in a relationship, I would at least say a greeting to my partner’s parents. I experienced social anxiety in front of my ex’s parents as it is my first time being introduced to them. My ex also told me that his parents doesn’t usually initiate greetings or small talks when it comes to their children’s relationships which I think is odd; therefore, I’m always out of place when they’re talking
It’s always good to just say hello when you go into someone’s house, but I also agree her reaction was rude. Probably more “rude” than you not saying hello.
Makes me thankful for my parents. Even if they thought you should say hello, they’d never try and make you feel bad or say anything about it. If anything they’d say hello first
My advice is next time you see his mom or family, smile and say hello. Just roll with it and move on. It’ll be okay, don’t get too upset over it going forward
While I can understand where the mother was coming from. You can’t exactly help your anxiety or emotions. She shouldn’t have been rude to you in that way. And I’m NGL. She probably has a bad impression of you now but she doesn’t understand.
From a guy who bomb so hard meeting my ex’s parents, i felt like i had a panic attack and looking back. Felt like going to a partners home is too much to meet the parents, should of just done something to easy into it. Like a coffee date or something.
Sometimes people say things without thinking it through. Some people are also more inclined to say things that they perceive to be harmless observation. These comments can be interpreted differently depending on the tone or infliction as delivered. She apologized. If it was a sincere apology, accepted it, and withhold judgment until you have gotten to know her better. Give your relationship with her a chance. Don’t beat yourself up about it all.
She should of welcomed you?!
I have been here, I am socially awkward too… I have done the awkward parents n friends etc, if I read the room and no one’s speaking to me I would of followed my boyfriend too. But if walk in and they greet you and smile then obviously you start to feel a bit more relaxed.
Don’t over think it. Xx
Overall It’s a step in the right direction. You’ve learned a valuable and important lesson.
I hope you feel better I had a similar experience with social anxiety myself and with time you’ll look back and laugh sending you love ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
That is so hostile. Not your fault.
Uh.. just say hi? Don’t have to sit down and talk, just say hi
i also have bad social anxiety and propranalol (20mg) has changed my LIFE – i recommend talking to your dr about it! your 20s are full of fun social outings and it will help you navigate them!
You still say hi even if you’ve been introduced to someone. Have you never seen a person for the second time in your entire life?
It’s ok, having social anxiety really is a thing. Like you don’t want to disappoint and you’re constantly trying to be perfect and not judged. So while keeping this in mind you tend to just not follow social norms. This also happened to me and the best way I overcame it by going to my exes house was honestly to just play a whole nother character basically. I had to become my alter ego and I realized it was kinda fun faking being outgoing. But yeah don’t rely on your bf to introduce you, as soon as you walk in you gotta do the hellos and hugging. It’s what the normies love apparently 😭😂 try no to dwell on it all though I know it will be hard. You just have to understand that deep down inside you’re a good person and truly meant no harm. Just remember for the next time you go over greet them and all that jazz and when you do you’ll feel better and basically rewrite this embarrassing memory.
Sorry, this happened OP. His mom could’ve made it a little bit easier on you by being a little friendlier, but as a rule of thumb always greet, acknowledge/say hello to the house “dwellers” and elders in general.
it’s rude you didn’t greet your bf’s mom ngl but all hope is not lost, just make sure to greet her in the future
When I go to somebody’s house for the first time, I try not to ever arrive empty-handed. Showing up with some form of gift to offer when I introduce myself is a particularly good idea, whether it be a bottle of wine, fresh fruit, or a plant… just something that I can give them. Rules to live by if you want people to remember you as classy.
We all learn lessons the hard way. It’s always embarrassing when somebody calls us on it but better than they do now then not say it to your face and say it behind your back. It gives you an opportunity to make up for it.
No coming back from that. If she already hates you, she will stand in the way of you and your BF.
I have extremely bad social anxiety but I was raised to always no matter what greet the host. In my culture we hug or kiss on the cheek if its family. The least you can do is say hi if you’re newly dating you should try your best to give good impressions. It may be hard but it’s necessary it’s especially important to older folks so I understand why she got offended I wouldn’t take it personally though just try better next time. Did your boyfriend ever mention to you she was offended after the first time? If he knew and didn’t tell you than thats really odd.
There’s two sides to consider. From a cultural standpoint, depending on the culture you greet the parents first. In my culture, it’s a common courtesy and respect to acknowledge the parents and greet them first. Even if you’ve been to the house many times before and the parents loves you, you still have to acknowledge and greet them EVERY single time you visit or else it’s considered rude.
Now I’ve been to other peoples homes where the owner simply welcomes you and greets you so it really depends on the culture. It seems like OPs bfs parents are the first example I’ve provided here .
It’s ok, people with Social Anxiety find it hard to speak to new people, it doesn’t mean they don’t want to communicate, it’s just that they find it difficult, shame on the mother for being set in her upbringing that she can’t adapt and say, “hi OP! Long time no see? How are you?” When you didn’t say anything, I’m pretty sure my own mother would most likely meet you at the door or when you see her in the and great you with a thousand questions, though she’s used to not being spoken to first as I do have autism. Which also makes it hard for me to ask how you are first.
I am very sorry about your anxiety. But you should never come in to someone’s home and not greet them. I’m really surprised more people don’t understand that.
So you saw his mom on the couch and neither you nor your bf say hi? Do you normally not say hi to people when you see them?
I’m for the host greeting guests but it’s a little different if they’re not expecting you. Say hi and let them know you’re there next time – no need to hang out with them.
If you start crying because of that, you need to go to therapy stat. Na dof course you need to say hello to people when you enter theirnhouse. That is 5 year old lessons.
Aside from the mother and OP, wouldn’t the bf know that’s what his mom expects as well? Maybe he could have also initiated the intros by walking OP into the room and starting the introductions himself (“mom this is OP, OP this is mom”)?
To OP for next time- as someone who overthinks situations like these, I’m always asking how I should greet someone new so that I already know the expectations held by every party. Just my way to prepare for first interactions as best I can.
I always bring flowers to a bfs parents maybe that could help
How are you 21 and too scared to talk to your boyfriends mom? Just say hi lol. It is disrespectful to not greet the homeowner.
How could you make it till 21 w/o greeting ppl?
That’s OK, scrap this off your head. Start all over again. Visit your bf’s house again soon and bring flowers or some treats e.g. bake some cookies for his mom. Search for her the first thing upon arrival and say this with a big smile “Hello, how are you? I brought a little something for you. Hope you like it”.
hey man gonna run the risk of sounding controversial but just because ya cried about it doesnt make it better on your end! just say hi next time! you own ur own house u can say hi to your boyfriends mom.
Try not to be so rude next time perhaps. Sheesh