TL;DR: My female friend has gotten extremely comfortable and flirty with my husband, and I’m looking for advice on how to deal with my resentment towards him, as well as create distance in my friendship with her.
Background: For the sake of the post, we will call my female friend Sam and call my husband Cory. We all went to the same high school. Cory and I were “dating” for three years in middle to high school, then we reconnected after college. Sam used to date my male best friend, and while they were together Cory and I reconnected, and we often did things as a group. Sam and my male best friend broke up, and she’d often be our “third wheel” in activities. She now has a new boyfriend of about 2.5 years.
Cory and Sam always had a good friendship, which never bothered me. They are very similar so it was easy for them to bond. Cory and I got engaged in September of last year, and shortly after my friendship with Sam friendship became very tense. It almost started to feel like she was competing with me for random things, as well being, well, mean. Some examples of this would be:
– leaving a club we were at together without telling me
– ruining a surprise my bridesmaids had planned for my bachelorette party
– asking to wear white at my bachelorette party (colors were previously planned by my MOH) and then not wearing the planned color (not a huge deal to me, but she stood out and the other bridesmaids were upset)
– being miserable at my bachelorette party and openly stating she wanted to leave
.. along with a slew other things.
However, in the spring of this year, I began noticing some behaviors Sam had towards Cory, and recently it had escalated. For instance, in the past year Sam has:
– pinched Cory’s nipples in public
– Purposely sat between him & I during car rides/other transportation
– Put a tattoo of Cory’s face on her breast, in a swimsuit, during my bachelorette party (per my bridesmaids, on a day we weren’t supposed to be wearing tattoos. This made Cory’s sister and cousin uncomfortable to the point the confronted me about the situation between her and him.)
– Attempted to hold his hand while walking between bar locations
– Was so attached to him at a local brewery, that two separate people that she does not know approached her and hugged her thinking it was me (we have the same stature and hair color), in the same night
– Leaves the group of ‘girl friends’ and follows him to wherever he’s going
– Talks about sexual experiences in front of him, and talks about her preferences in front of him
I was able to tolerate a lot, I feel like, because I know they are friends, as am I. But after a horrible night out with a group of us, and multiple other people noticing the Sam’s flirtatiousness, I’ve reached my limit. I’m not beginning to resent Cory for these scenarios, although I do not believe he encourages the behavior. Cory used to, however, poke fun at the situation and make jokes, and I think that I have gotten so uncomfortable with it, that the jokes turned into resentment. How can I adjust my own personal feelings to stop resenting my husband? I truly believe he does not actively partake in the behaviors, but I am starting to feel hurt and like I’m the butt of the joke.
Also, how do I address the behavior with Sam? I am also very resentful to her for her actions in our friendship and her comfort flirting with Cory. I am non-confrontational, so I originally thought I would just create space between us and not see her as often. However, we are a part of a large group of friends and do things together often, and I’m sure she will think it’s strange if I suddenly stop asking her to do things with us. Is this something I should bring up, or let fizzle out?
Thank you!!
9 comments
You’re not going to stop resenting your fiancé until he discourages her.
You’re free to just cut her out. She knows what she’s doing. Calling her out on it won’t stop it and she’s likely to tell you “you’re too sensitive”!or you’re imagining things.
Why isn’t your fiancé taking your concerns seriously?
You don’t have to adjust your feeling at all. Your friend is in the wrong and knows what she’s doing. you need to speak to her about this. But I would speak to your husband first. See how he feels about the situation. Has he been encouraging the attention?
You can say to him that it’s making you uncomfortable.
Then, once your on the same page with your husband address it with your friend. Maybe together, as couple. I think that would be stronger.
Or if you’re really not into confrontation, work with your husband to put in boundaries. Like if she tries to hold his hand, he’ll walk over to you and take your hand? But, he would really be the one to set those boundaries with her
Your husband has let her intentionally disruptive behavior go on far too long. Probably because he likes the attention.
Politely tell your husband needs to call her out. If he is unwilling to curtail her for the sake of your marriage then you have a bigger problem.
“other people noticing the Sam’s flirtatiousness,”
Your friend group is past the age of this juvenile behavior being acceptable. They have their own serious relationships to worry about and she is trouble.
Ultimately, this should be your husband’s task to put a stop to this with a few healthy but firm boundaries – but maybe you and him both at the same time to get your point across once and for all. She’s crossing several lines there, from flirty, thirsty to literally looking desperate, and she really needs to be put back to her place.
Your husband needs to shut it down asap. Especially since he now knows it bothers you.
I would set a firm boundary with him and let Sam know we are no longer friends… cause friends don’t try to make plays for your man…
I bet she’s only still apart of the group because others think you want her there. Let it be known you aren’t playing games.
Maybe talk to your husband about it and tell him how it makes you feel. Ask him if this is acceptable to him. Because of he is okay with it then I don’t recommend getting married. I mean these 2 are Gona be in your life together and Sam is clearly overstepping hard. She sounds like a 16 year old in high school.
But I feel like he would have disregard her long ago.. I mean that’s what one hopes for. I had a similar experience with a neighbor. She always invited us but she always interrupted me when I spoke then she shifts the convo between her and my bf. Everytime I showed up alone for a quick visit like going to the store with her she would always ask where my bf is. She always asked about him and how long we have been dating. I mentioned to my bf I think she is into him or she is more Interested in him. He stopped coming to visit her with me (it was hard to avoid her since we both lived on a plot we are renting from she would come over to us if we didn’t answer). He would refuse to come with of I went over to help her with something. She had both our numbers beqause of a tenant group chat and when she phoned him he would always pass me the phone. Stuff like that because he didn’t want her to engage in anything that will cross a boundary in our Relationship. And she has a bf and she never really spoke about him much and didn’t sound interested I their convo when they did talk over the phone.
Don’t call her out. Her actions are so callous and open, that she won’t be shy to turn it all around you, brand you a “jealous, insecure fiancee” and use your ‘weaknesses’ or insecurities against you, publicly. Just ice her out.
What you have to do is talk with your husband though. He’s the one who has to stop joking about it, and he has to know it hurts you, and he is part of the reason. I mean, she walks hand in hand with him, sits between you and him, pinches his nipples, this is all open flirting and based on your post, he doesn’t shut her down. He has to openly, as openly as she’s doing it, shut it down.
You have to tell him the behavior is crossing boundaries it is no longer okay. Tell him to put a stop to it or you will. Tell him everyone was making comments to you about how inappropriate the behavior has become.