So I M(31) met a guy M(31). I planned our first date. Candlelit dinner at a waterfront restaurant. Ended the night with cigars on the beach (he loved them, as do I.) It was magical, as he described it a few times. We had a second one two days later. Another a day after that, and a sleepover (and first sexual encounter – fantastic. He climaxed hands-free.) that weekend.
3.5 weeks later, continuing to go on consistent dates and daily conversation, I ask him to be my boyfriend. He emphatically agrees by saying “I’ve been waiting for you to ask!”
Extra interesting tidbit. I am HIV positive. Shortly after agreeing to be my boyfriend, he, of his own accord, goes to a doctor appointment to get on PReP for protection. I took this as a sign of commitment (he even said it was via text.) and was quite flattered and impressed, which makes this whole thing so much more quizzical.
We have sex a few more times. It’s great. He loves it. Always enthusiastic about it, and I always made him climax hands-free.
2 weeks after this(still dating, making plans, fucking, etc.) he *very* suddenly grows wildly distant one Monday morning. I inquire about the behavior. Tells me we need to talk. Comes over that evening and tells me he isn’t feeling a connection and ends things. I can only assume this is code for something because…this behavior makes zero sense. But I know sometimes it just doesn’t and that’s life…
I’ve mostly worked over the disappointment and accept it. I’ve mostly removed my emotion and taken stock of all events during this union, and have identified no signs of anything being amiss. But I am seeking to hopefully understand. Do you guys know what this could mean, given the context? I feel like we spent an excessive amount of time together to only just be figuring out there’s no connection present after 6 weeks and deciding to enter a relationship with one another. This should have been established after like…date 3. We’re looking at around 12-14 dates, inclusive of dinners cooked at either of our homes, and outings, and me meeting his friends a few times. Always positive experiences (his body language was there and always verbally said how much he liked me and enjoyed the time we spent.)
TL;DR: No connection after 6 weeks and lots of interest shown. Really no connection?
4 comments
I’m sorry that happened, it’s unfortunate. The one thing I would reflect on would be, how balanced were things? You mention stuff you did for him, but very little thought and effort he put towards you. Did he plan romantic dates? Did he do stuff for you? Going on PreP doesn’t count, as that was for his own health. It shows he is sensible, but it doesn’t say much about your relationship.
“Not feeling a connection” can sometimes be a “nice” way to end a relationship, it’s likely that he’s met someone else who he prefers to pursue.
I’m glad you’re working through the disappointment and working towards acceptance. My recommendation is just to continue down that trajectory. I don’t think there’s any guarantee you’ll get any conclusive answers about why this happened (at least not from him).
I don’t know all the details of your relationship, but it doesn’t sound like you did anything to cause this. Seems like he had a change of heart for some reason and broke it off as a result. Why did he have a change of heart? Who knows. For all we know, it could have absolutely nothing to do with you.
I think him saying that there was no connection was just the language he chose to break it off. Maybe he doesn’t even fully understand what it means, but one thing is for sure: he wasn’t interested in continuing the relationship.
I don’t think it’s going to do you any good to put any more energy into figuring out why he did what he did. Seems like it could mean anything right now. Feeling a connection with someone is such a broad concept, so it’s kind of hard to say why he doesn’t feel one without hearing his side of things.
Do your best to move on. It sucks that this didn’t work out, but at least it happened early on instead of being something that comes up after your lives were significantly intertwined.
I agree with whoever said those might just be the words he used to end things.
It could be any number of things. Maybe he wants a relationship so bad he threw himself all in, and then realized he moved too fast and his feelings didn’t match his actions. Maybe it has nothing to do with you at all, and is all about him, and he doesn’t want to share his issues.
I know it sucks though.