I \[26 M\] have been in a relationship with my girlfriend \[25 F\] for 6 years. We live together. Lately, I have been discouraged about the relationship due to what I see as a difference in ambition in life and it makes me worry for the future.
FYI: We otherwise get along very well and see eye-to-eye on many commonly contentious issues such as personal values, how we see the world (socially, politically etc.), the prospect of children, leisure lifestyle, etc. which I would not want to lose. We share responsibility over chores in the place we live well. She is an excellent cook which is nice because I am rubbish at it (but I am practicing). We both get along well with each other’s families.
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A big drive in my life has been to pull myself out of the poverty I lived through growing up and into the middle class as an adult. It required lots of sacrifices from High School through University and to now to get myself a leg-up. For reference I worked graveyard shift at odd jobs 24+ hours/week through University to afford my Engineering program while also participating in student clubs, and worked part time as an engineer intern in my Senior year to pay off debts ASAP so I can take care of myself and my girlfriend better. Now, I have two jobs as an Engineer and a food courier/deliveryman as time permits. My deliveryman pay goes straight into investment funds to grow my wealth so we may one day own a home which is a dream of mine dear to my heart. I want to provide for my future children since I know it’s a hard world out there and it’s only going to get more difficult. I want to be happy in my retirement. I’m scared if I don’t work hard, I will be destitute or homeless in my old age. I also volunteer on Sundays helping the homeless best I can.
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On the other hand, my girlfriend has struggled with her University program and hasn’t graduated yet, failing her first degree program in Computer Science, now going through a general science program slowly. She takes only three classes because her family struggles to pay for her schooling, but she won’t get a part time job, or acquire her driver’s license to help them. She has no vision for what career she wants, either which worries me. When I ask her, she’ll give a half-baked response that doesn’t sound committal ” maybe, an office job “, although when I ask her it also stresses her out which makes me feel sad and want to avoid asking about it.
Often, I’ll wake up early and go to work and when I get home 11 hours later I’ll find she has not left the house unless one of her three classes required her to commute by bus to her University campus. She sleeps ten hours per day and plays video games into the wee hours of the morning every evening. Because of this, I now sleep in a separate room so I can get the sleep I need for my work as I am often very exhausted and she can do what she pleases. FYI back in college, we slept together but it became more difficult the more responsibility I took. She has no debt luckily since her family has kindly paid for her to go to school, but I have my doubts we can move mountains together when I see her putting (what I perceive as) in little effort into life. She is very depressed since her family lives in a different state (she originally came here for school because it was cheaper). I – and my family – have done my and our best to make her feel happy, loved and welcomed by including her in as many events as possible and I can tell she’s thankful, but still feels depressed.
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I am curious if anybody has any advice for moving forward? I want to help her so I can help myself and ourselves as a couple. I do not want to just break off the relationship, I’d like to explore every other option and leave that to last.
If you were or have been in my situation or hers’, what did or would you do? What was the steps you would take or have taken?
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TL;DR: I am ambitious and my partner is not. The relationship, finances aside, is otherwise very good and we get along great on a personal level. Has anybody else been in this situation? If so, were you able to come up with a strategy with your partner to keep things working long-term?
6 comments
I find in general it’s nice to have one career driven partner and one who is less so. I’ve always been very content in “office jobs” that don’t really *use* my degrees. That’s afforded me the time and energy to support my significantly more career driven spouse and we’ve benefited as a team because we complement each other in that way. We completely merge finances
But depressed, no motivation, games & sleeps all day sounds like a completely different issue.
Whilst I certainly admire your drive, your own high standards may not be fitting when placed on another person for a multitude of reasons – however only you can really answer is that a dealbreaker to you or not. Do you get things from your partner that you wouldn’t otherwise have as a successful career driven person? Intimacy? Support? Fun? Those aren’t guaranteed in a high flying job where you have no free time.
In my relationship (we have been together 10 years) I am the more successful partner, with a good job in engineering (funnily enough). My partner drifted from job to job and always got overwhelmed, and struggled through university. She was diagnosed as having Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) during university which was debilitating to her and needed more support from me. This year she was diagnosed as having combined type ADHD which answers so much about her focus, drive and ability to hold down jobs – as well as her own lack of faith in herself when it comes to career. Now she is medicated she is doing so much better and I couldn’t be more proud of her.
I’m not saying there is a medical reason for your mismatched ambitions, but there is always something deeper there. You just need to have a serious and clear open conversation with her because this is clearly a redline for you that will cause resentment if not treated.
Lastly, make sure you make some time for yourself my friend – you can’t always grind 24/7 as that will lead to you burning it out (and potentially not being a fun partner either). Take it from someone who burnt out! Maybe making more time for yourself and your partner might help as well, it is worth considering.
You cant hold her to the same standard you’ve set for yourself, but she sounds depressed. Is she seeking any help for her tiredness?
What’s more important? A partner who places equal importance on money and career, or an easier life? If you guys want kids, someone is going to have to take a career hit. Isn’t a more practical life partner for you the one who’s willing to do that?
My partner is good at the big picture stuff, and I’m good at the every day stuff. I don’t personally care for a job and career, though I have degrees. I am my happiest and most productive as a mother and home maker. My children are in full time school now so I’ve decided to go back to work part time just to fill my time and use my degrees, but if my family suffers for it, I would quit. Our life works like this. There is no right formula for a happy relationship, but if for you being a sole breadwinner is a deal breaker it’s time to move on. That’s okay, you deserve support and she deserves to be accepted for who she is.
I doubt she will ever change her behavior to align with your values. At this point you either have to accept her for who she is or move on. Plenty of women with similar career goals like you. Relationships are often a trade off. Expect to provide for her financial needs for the duration of your relationship with her.