I was abused for 5 years a by a female family member during my impressionable times and during this time I would get some type of validation from her and I kept doing it because I thought I needed it. She more or less coerced me into it using her validation and praise and the rest were non consensual. Now in my adult life I can’t have sex and when I do it’s honestly torture for me. To be totally honest with you all I have sex with prostitutes often because I feel like that’s the only way I can get validation and they’re paid to be there so whether it was shit or not they are going to tell me it was great so I get that short bit of validation and satisfaction and then I start doubting and then I repeat the cycle. I don’t even enjoy sex any more! I’ve never had a romantic relationship because I’m afraid of being judged sexually or being unable to preform to there standard so once sex happens I ghost as bad as that is as I can’t bring myself to see them again and I know I’m a POS for that
This year alone I’ve had sex 122 times all with escorts and I can remember every freaking encounter like it happen yesterday and every mistake or perceived mistake I beat myself up over even though they weren’t there for their enjoyment just for money.
I can’t keep going like this as I’m not happy and I’m miserable and it’s only getting worse and I don’t know what to do
For those wondering where im from prostitution is legal and I do all I can to insure I’m not aiding in human trafficking. Even though what I do may seem immoral to some I consider my self a very moral person and try to insure everything is consensual among us as I would never want to put someone through non consensual sexual acts as I know the damage and grief it can cause
5 comments
I’m so sorry that all this is happening to you. I cannot stress this enough: Please talk to a professional. Reddit is not therapy
find a sex therapist, i am sorry you had to go through this
Have you gotten any therapy? This isn’t going to resolve without help
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/obsessive-compulsive-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20354432
What OCD the real kind is like. I actually have it.
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20355967
What PTSD is like, I actually have it
And yes I’m a sex abuse survivor.
Secret peace of sex workers will always win.
Many sexual abuse survivors either become hypersexual or hyposexual. I really think you should see a therapist who specializes in trauma or sex therapy. You had no control over what happened to you and you did nothing to deserve it. The way you deal with the trauma will give you back a sense of control and free-agency when your life feels out of control now. Speak to a professional and reclaim your life from your abuser.