Where is the line in relationship with women between them being critical and verbally abusive?

11 comments

1. When you know, you know.

   Too subjective to answer otherwise.

2. Critical is about what you did (or didn’t) do.

   Abusive is about who or what you are as a person.

3. I find it’s more about intent. Are they trying to make you better at what it is you are trying to do, or are they trying to break you down so you are easier to control.

   However, you can’t ask them what their intention is because some of them don’t know that they’re doing it to control, and the ones who do know will lie to you about it.

4. Abusive would be attacking you for no reason or belittling you. Critical would be like if you never do house chores and they give you a lot of shit for it.

5. One of the differences is that being critical is clearly objective or clearly subjective. If it’s objective, there’s no judgemental tone associated. The person is simply stating what happened. If it’s subjective, it’s clear who the subject is. If someone doesn’t like what you’ve done, they will clearly state “I don’t like what you’ve done.” In close relationships, they might be able to operate from the subjectivity of the other person, i.e. “you probably don’t like what you’ve done”.

   When someone is being verbally abusive, a subjective opinion is being dressed up as an objective one. This includes delivering objective facts with a clearly subjective and judgemental tone / facial expression, and re-phrasing subjective judgements as objective ones: “I don’t like what you’ve done” becomes “what you’ve done is horrible”.

   One last point: Don’t think about this as “what someone can / can’t say to me”. There is nothing that someone “can’t” say to you, that’s simply not how reality works. What there *is* is your boundaries and the consequences you impose upon people who cross them. You can’t stop someone verbally abusing you. You can leave them when they do. What matters is fully understanding your boundaries and the associated consequences. Having a boundary without a consequence is called “whining” or “nagging”. Ultimatums are not only present in healthy relationships, they are the literal safety barriers for those relationships. Know what yours are.

6. Google tells me: Verbal abuse is a type of psychological/mental abuse that involves the use of oral, gestured, and written language directed to a victim. Verbal abuse can include the act of harassing, labeling, insulting, scolding, rebuking, or excessive yelling towards an individual.

7. Legit criticism is two sided and positive, as it in benefits both parties.

   Abuse is one sided and negative, and uses criticism as a shield for harm.

   “I love it when you wear your hair down. Also, I like when you wash it with that lavender shit your sister gave you. Dunno how I feel about this mohawk though. And also not sure the natural foods store brand shampoo is working. But who knows, I’m bald. I shouldn’t talk.”

   That’s how I would criticize my gf if she came home looking like a Saints Row character.

   “Wow, that’s ugly.”

   That’s not constructive.

   “Of course you’d fuck your head up for attention.”

   That’s abusive.

8. To say it simply, the difference is intent. Abuse is just them venting their own frustrations on you. Criticism is meant to point out areas where you can improve. If following their advice actually helps you, it is criticism.

9. Lines are drawn at different points by different cultures and different personalities. You have to make your boundaries clear. One woman’s “being talkative, dynamic and passionate” is another woman’s “toxic, critical and abusive”

10. The same place it would be for a woman who’s in a relationship with a man.

11. To be fair, women are pretty brutal when they talk to men, so we all gotta be pretty thick skinned about it.

    If you’re in a relationship, and it feels awful because of how she talks, find another.