I 18f have been with my girlfriend 18f for 9 month now.
Today I got a haircut, a little bit shorter than expected but I like it. When she saw it she didn’t like it, it was obvious. (we were texting since we don’t live together)
At first I thought she just didn’t like the way it looked. But turns out it was more than that.
When I realized it was worse than I expected I thought maybe it was cause she sometimes freaks out about me being trans since I’m a rather “masculine” girl. (she’s lesbian, and her ex was a trans man, never told her, and was abusive, she didn’t take it very well as expected.)
But turns out she actually was panicking because I have almost the same haircut as her abusive ex, and she kind of had a trauma response I think.
Now I need help managing this because I’m not prepared for that at all.
We were supposed to see each other in a week. But now she doesn’t feel like she can see me.
Today we celebrated our 9 months together…
There’s a chance we won’t be celebrating Christmas together now.
I’m devastated, but at the same time I don’t know, I feel numb kinda.
Edit : she calmed herself down some time ago, we talked and she told me what happened and why. We discussed some more and she promised to work on things. And I promised I would be there for her through it. We love each other a lot, and we will always be together, especially through tough times. I know she would do the same for me. She said she panicked on the moment, but that she still wanted to see me next week and for Christmas. She said maybe it won’t be as bad in person, that she’ll get used to it one way or another because she wanted to be with me.
TL;DR my girlfriend is afraid of me because I look like her abusive ex, need help
5 comments
What is she doing to work on her trauma?
if you’re committed to remaining in this relationship: your hair will likely change in a week in small ways that may be enough. you can also style it differently with gel or accessories.
however: if your partner is unwilling to see you because of a hair cut, it’s time for them to be seeking therapy and working through it. they may not be ready to be with a partner or may need to be with a partner who isn’t masculine in appearance
You don’t actually have to do much to manage this. She’s got to get over it. Now, if it legitimately was a trauma response, okay, she needs to be working with a therapist.
In fact, you should probably make her working with a therapist a condition of the continued relationship. People aren’t responsible for their trauma, but she is responsible for addressing it, and it’s not fair to ask you to be in a relationship where something as trivial as a haircut can send things spiraling out of control.
If your GF is so traumatized that she ends things with you over a haircut, she’s not in a capable mental state to be in a relationship with anyone. Adults communicate and trust each other, it’s the only way to have healthy relationships. Everyone has past trauma. If she can’t do this, she needs to be alone and in therapy until she’s in a better place.
Sounds like that scene from Scott pilgrim