Hello all,
I am a 24 year old guy living in a major us city in the south of the US. I moved here from NYC. Aside from a lot of family that I know down here I started completely fresh socially. That means not knowing anyone I know my age in who lives in the same city as me. I do not live in a walkable city so it has been difficult for me to meet people. My job is also pretty competitive so it is difficult for me to feel comfortable bonding with others at work. I have also had a lot of romantic strike outs. I have become lonely, isolated, and out of loop. I feel that a lot of life has passed me by. I did not have too many friends and was not well liked growing up, I have never had a gf, yet have had a decent amount of sex. The thing is Idk what to do. I am considering moving to another place but it sorta feels like restarting the same level of a video game. I have tried therapy/self-help/xyz. I go to gym and athletic events when I can. I can be charismatic and charming but I feel where i live is a difficult location to make friends.
I feel that my current problems will exacerbate as I age. A lot of folks my age are getting engaged and have a friend group from college and high school. I experienced a lot of bullying and toxic dynamics. It feels like the opportunity cost of me doing well in school and getting a good job meant becoming socially isolated and difficult to relate with.
I felt like I always had a solution to a problem, that I knew what to do, but know it feels like a condition. Tony Robbins says that you need to make sure you do not view the problem as pervasive, permanent, and personal. I certainly do not view it as permanent as I take a lot of social risks but there is an element of the rejection that feels pervasive and personal.
2 comments
I have the same issue at the moment. I had people I called friends in my 20s but decided to cut them off because most of them just used me and would drag me down. I started changing a lot as far as my views on life, interests and core beliefs when I turned 30. I’m now 35 and haven’t had friends going on 5 years now. I’ve tried to reach out to people over the past few years but just feel shunned. I also live in a city in the south where it’s hard to get to know people and I don’t really fit into the culture around here. I’m tired of social isolation though and ready to make new friends but it’s been so long I don’t even know where to go or what to do. I was out on my own for awhile and felt better about myself but some shit happened and I ended up living with my parents again which has totally killed my self esteem. I’m thinking about moving away from here as it just feels washed up and burnt out.
If you live in or near a city here are some locations where you can try to make friends: hobby/interest group, meetup, adult ed class, exercise class, outdoors club, volunteer work (with younger volunteers), adult recreational sports, professional group, political/civics club, etc.
You need someplace where you can see people REGULARLY, and then strike up regular conversations to get more info on potential friends. Eventually you strike up a rapport and invite the person to do something with you. (Like grab a bite to eat, go for a walk or run, catch a movie, check out a new part of town, do an errand etc.)
That’s how friendships start. This is true whether you stay in your current area, or move to a new one.