Hi,
I’m f22 and bf is m23
I’ve dated my boyfriend for 4 years and I feel guilty but he’s just no longer sexy to me. While he is a great guy, he’s already not my type. He’s kinda chubby and doesn’t really work out. He’s like a James Corden type, and I’m just not into it. (My type is more like Ben Feldman)
He also has a really low sex drive so the once every 2 months we have sex it’s not even that good. Better than watching porn with my vibrator tho I guess.
Idk what to do- we click and work on every other level- emotionally, financially, etc. He’s just… not who I wanna fuck.
28 comments
Maybe decide if he ever could be if it’s all on the outside that you want then it may never work BUT if there’s something he can do maybe discuss it
Is it just because he put on weight? Talk to him about it. If thst isn’t it, then, maybe it’s time to move on.
People change. If this bothers you, then what are you going to do when your future husband gets male pattern baldness and wrinkles?
Anyway, do dude a solid, and move on.
> Idk what to do
Generally speaking, for most people, the options are simple (albeit not easy):
1. You break up with someone you’re not attracted to and don’t enjoy having sex with. That’s the obvious way to go but if you’re resistant to this, your other options include…
2. You stay together, ask to sleep with other people (he has the same permission) and you have a sexless but functional, companionate relationship. There are plenty of couples who make that work *assuming* they’re both on the same page as one another. Of course, the complication arises when you might find yourself wanting to leave your current relationship to take up with one of your new lovers in which case, you would have been better off with Option #1.
3. You stay together, monogamously, and accept that the price for your emotional and financial compatibility is that your only sexual partner is someone you don’t find attractive and who’s a lousy lay to boot. But again, *that’s the price you’re willing to pay to be in your relationship* and for the sake of that relationship, you try not to feel any regret or resentment about that sacrifice. If you can’t embrace the price of being together, that leads you up back to Option #1.
If this were just an issue of the sex being infrequent and not good? Couples can work through those things. People can get better at sex. Couples can find compromises around frequency.
*But not finding your partner attractive* is not something that’s easily “fixed”. You can tell your partner “I wish you’d lose some weight and work out so that I can regain my desire to fuck you” but understandably, that wish isn’t likely to be received very well. And frankly, it’s hurtful to tell a long-term partner that.
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Okay, I don’t know who either of those people are that were referenced in your post (I’m old, I guess lol). But I think you need to determine if there’s more to your detachment than just your boyfriend’s weight. We often find surface level defects in order to justify our feelings; but, it rarely is the only determining factor in our separation from our partner. It’s an easy out.
Realistically, you’re 22 and have been dating this person since high school, presumably. Statistically, those relationships most often fail. We go through a lot of personal growth during that period in our lives and you may come out of it unaligned with your partner. If you’re already feeling this way, are disconnected physically and emotionally, then I think you need to either buckle down and tackle it together or just stop dragging it out. Be honest with yourself as to what you want long term, and allow your partner the ability to work on it with you or give him the opportunity to decide he is unwilling.
Not everyone can handle that. I mean, I’m not judging one way or another. I am a big guy, but, I like curvy woman too. I never have dated a skinny chick. Sometimes, physical attraction means more to one than the other.
You’ve been together 4 years and just realized he’s not your type? Think about if you were to meet someone who is your exact type and over the years nature happens to them: they get heavier, wrinkles, etc… would you then want to break up with them?
I totally get the sex issue and I also understand not wanting to be with someone who doesn’t make an effort to take care of themselves tlbut that’s different than being the wrong type.
Why’d you date him for FOUR years then?
Someone will think he’s wonderful and no one is making you date him.
What advice are you looking for? Buy beer goggles?
Maybe try to understand why your boyfriend is content with his weight and lifestyle. If theres a deep value mismatch, then cut ties. If you think hes not hot and will never be attractive to you unless he changes his body and lifestyle, then you should also cut ties. If you can make a list of physical attributes you appreciate about him and things he does that turn you on, great. Thats a start.
We are all going to gain weight, lose hair, need a cane to walk, and it is a wonderful gift to see the person you love grow and change. If you only want to be them when they fit the cookie cutter, thats not actually love.
If my boyfriend made a post like this about me, I’d just want to be broken up with. Your boyfriend deserves someone who finds him attractive and I hope you care about him enough to let him go find that person.
Move on.
Don’t waste your time, or his, in a relationship that doesn’t satisfy you.
Based on your past posts, this is not the only problem you have with your bf OP, you should consider if staying in this relationship Is the right choice
Use him financially and emotionally, and find a man who pounds you up/down until your legs shake. Life is so short, you gotta enjoy every minute
We can’t tell you the right choice, but I would do one of two things.
1- give therapy a try, and see if you can recapture what you loved about him in the beginning.
2- break up and move on. It isn’t fair to string him along much further if you are no longer attracted to him. Eventually that lack of attraction may cause resentment that bubbles up. Also, If you feel that way, he likely can tell or will be able to tell eventually.
Two questions why are you dating someone that you’ve never really liked? Too do you know what friendship is?
What stuck out to me is that you’re 22 and been dating for 4 years. You probably liked the idea of a boyfriend at 18 and as that fantasy faded into reality you ended up here. What you like at 22 can be vastly different than what (and who) you liked at 18 and that’s both ok and normal. This is probably your best chance to actually live an adult life single and see what it is you’re really looking for in a partner. The first thing is to decide what you want/want to do, but it’s sounds like you already know. Then there’s the choice and a decision must be made
Yo, I’m here if you want me to beat it up! – Ben F
Youre young…go find that person who will make you not care about how they look…i didn’t find mine until I was ~27…sex is a big thing and you want to be compatible on that front…and it doesnt seem like you are compatible.
Ben Feldman, wow specific.
Break up with him. Maybe see about staying friends but you most likely cant get around the fact that you are going to do is break his heart, especially if you keep going down this road of “Well it works for me emotionally and financially but i am grossed out by his body”.
If you don’t, you will become resentful towards him for not being the stud you want. You will end up becoming a worse person and that in turn will make him become a worse person. Just be honest with him about what you want and don’t just keep him around cause he has money.
Truth, in it’s very nature, is always simple.
Solution to your problem: Go with your intuition.
If your gut is REALLY telling you that you’re not feeling it, thats the GODDESS in you speaking.
If you stay in it, you’ll only end up miserable, and your INNER YOU knows it.
Believe me. I know.
Years ago, when I was married, my ex was the same. I gave up on sex with her and didn’t hit it in a whole year, lol, bc my heart was just no longer into it.
I have been happily single ever since.
That’s a fling, a short lived situation, not your soulmate.
Don’t waste your life on that, especially when having only sporadic sex.
That’s really torture.
Keep it moving.
And watch how the universe blesses you with you someone better, if that’s what you desire.
thats so specific… sounds like you have somebody in mind already.
just break up with him. hes better off without you.
Wake up and break up. Just know if you want forever with anyone forever will be seen in their wrinkles or maybe body weight. I hope you two separate and find better people
You kind of poisoned the well by calling him a James Cordon type. I hope for both your sakes that you just mean physically and not personality.
Have you had a conversation with him? If your main concern is that he isn’t taking care of himself and the sex have a conversation about that.
“I’m concerned about your health. For a little while now I’ve noticed us eating not the best foods and we aren’t super active either. I feel like this is also translating to our sex life as well. I’d like for us to improve those aspects of our relationship and wanted to know what your thoughts are on that.”
I say “we” because approaching this as a team will be healthier and the best way to approach it.
Or you can stop wasting his time and you can end the relationship. Put yourself in his shoes. He has a gf who is stringing him along, for a while when he could be with someone who cares for him and communicates with him when things aren’t ideal.
Relationships are work. It’s not always happy go lucky, great and frequent sex. We are humans. We all have flaws. Communication is important and it seems like you’ve bottled these things up without thoroughly communicating and you have grown to resent him for something he may not know about
Seems like you’ve made up your mind on what you would like to do. Get together with him in person, go somewhere private and talk to him about where you would like to go and what is best for both of you.
You’re young and you’ve already fallen out of love with your boyfriend.
No matter how you twist it, there is no scenario where going your separate ways isn’t the clear answer here.
My guys- work out, drink water, stay semi active, get an interesting hobby. I love boobs and hot girls, but if it’s impacting your sex and relationships cut the damn porn out.
Be brave or be miserable.