There’s this guy I really like and we’re very interested in each other, spend everyday speaking, but we’re not exclusive. I think basic chemistry wise we’re great. We have a fun time together and it’s easy. I know I’m very supportive of him and everything he goes through because he’s pointed that out and thanked me so many times, but I think maybe I’m lacking on a deeper level and he may see that too.
I’ve spent my entire life very isolated. My parents were never open or people you could speak to so I’ve been shut off since day 1. I’m not best at explaining my feelings, I barely even know how to speak to some people normally or make friends bc my brain just feels blank all the time. It’s as if I just don’t know or can’t come up with anything interesting to say so I keep quiet. I think my way of overcompensating for this is being funny which is so surface level and I want to be able to offer more.
Recently me and this guy were talking and he ended up telling me that although he does really like me, there are like 2/3 things that I do that he doesn’t really like and can make him not wanna be around me. I don’t want this. I wanna do better and I can admit those things are probably me trying to be stupidly funny so it’s probably not the best idea to continue anyway. I also don’t know if this is a sign that maybe he won’t really fully want to be with me? Either way going forward he says he likes when I ask him questions. He wants to talk about more real things which is my issue bc idk how to get there and I come up so blank all the time. I’ve never had this before. As much as I want that connection how do I do it? Am I just stuck being this weird surface level person who can’t develop anything meaningful? So he’ll eventually leave.
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You’ll have to heal that side of yourself. Not that you’re broken, but not having complete access to your emotions is a cause for action.
What makes you feel emotionally full? Providing for others? Is that bc you feel like you dont get what you need anyways, so you give? What happens if you stop giving and start receiving? Do you feel you deserve to receive instead of giving? If not, why? These type of questions will walk you back into a space where you can talk ab it with yourself, then eventually with others.
Letting him into the crevasses of your mind is a leap of faith, but necessary to build the connection. But you have complete say and total control over your own boundaries. If you mean enough to him he will not push you, but be there to lean on as you discover this side of yourself. If he shows hesitancy, its better to go on this journey alone.
You can always do “emotional math.” Following the trail of events that caused me to feel X (i.e. Parents weren’t open, now I’m closed off.) Or predicting events and understand it’ll make you feel X (i.e. if I open up, I can connect with this person i really like.) This helps build the picture of what matters to you, and what you’re not willing to let into your life.