Transferring colleges and issues with a crush

Hi!

I (20F) just want to vent and write out my thoughts, but I am totally open to advice/opinions/CC etc.

Basically, I am planning on transferring colleges, and this is going to happen in a few weeks after finals. While I love my friends (I don’t have many but they are all super nice), I need to put my education first.

I know that I shouldn’t wrap my life around some guy or a relationship (friends or romantic), but I get crazy stuck on crushes (spending a lot of money and time on them, helping them all the time, caring for them etc.) and it is getting in the way!

As of right now, three of my friends are the only reason I have to stay, and I just realized that I have a massive crush on one of them (19M), and it had been in the back of my mind when all of a sudden it hit me like crazy today! all three friends are all very understanding as to why I feel like I need to leave, and so tonight I went on a drive with the friend that I happen to have a crush on, and is also planning on transferring. Several things unfolded – i got a ton of GREAT advice, and was able to rethink a LOT of stuff, and then we went on a drive and hung out. The only thing is that my roommate is CRAZY obsessed with said friend (which we talk about quite a bit). It was weird tho, because this person was making me laugh a ton and singing with me and spending a lot of time 1:1 with me. However, I know that my feelings are not reciprocated, and it totally changed everything. We were sitting in the car and singing and i was like omg i totally have a crush on this person, and then I instantly became self conscious and starting acting different because i was embarrassed by everything i was doing 🙁 .

its really a long and confusing story (i know i got into it a bit already) but I’ll skip around it and say this: I am leaving college (and with it, all of my friends/crush) in 2 weeks. Some of them i might never see again. At the end of the day, I know I’m not coming back, but something in my heart desperately wants to stay and believe that something will happen between the two of us, and that I can always have friends with me. Every time I see/hear anybody i think is somewhat cute talk about somebody else for a few moments, my stomach hurts. i’m so scared of people leaving me that I want to be selfish with people, and imagine that they want me to stay for whatever made up reason.

I feel like i’m already mourning the loss of an imaginary relationship that wouldn’t ever occur even if i did stay (this person has a 2 year on/off situationship, and it also talking to another person at my school).

This happens all the time. I stay obsessed with my exes and I can’t let go of a relationship that could or i wanted to be real.

TLDR: I am transferring college and can’t let go of a crush