found out my bf is a sex offender

11 comments

1. I’d say have the conversation as soon as possible regardless. You mulling over possible scenarios in your head and letting your imagination run wild can only divide you two further. If you think you want to stay with him just remember that it was when he was a kid and kids do really stupid things.

2. If it were a “technicality” why would it change the way you feel about him?

   He can tell you and if it’s something you don’t want to deal with, you’re making an informed choice. By not telling you, you’re left to imagine the worst. You shouldn’t be left to play Sherlock Holmes here. If he isn’t sharing, it’s probably something bad.

   If you decide to end the relationship, you end it like anything else “I don’t see this going any further.

3. Honesty and transparency is important in a relationship. And he’s deliberately withholding the information because he believes it will cause your feelings for him to change.

   So that said, it’s bad enough that he doesn’t want to tell you about it and that is a huge neon red flag.

4. If he won’t tell you, it’s probably something pretty bad. I’ve heard stories of people getting on the registry for mooning somebody or whipping out their junk as a joke, but they’d probably be quick to show that’s all they did.

   I think it’s worth keeping in mind that it happened 17 years ago when he was 15. He was a kid himself. He’s not the same person. That doesn’t excuse whatever he did, but it’s important context.

5. I think you should tell him that you can’t be comfortable in the relationship without this knowledge, and that you need for him to be honest with you. If he won’t discuss it with you, you should leave imo. He needs to be honest about it.

6. Obviously laws are different around the world, but I’m surprised that he was put on a sex offender registry while still a minor, and that it seems to be a permanent thing. I wouldn’t want to continue the relationship without knowing the details at this point.

   I once knew someone who was on the registry, but didn’t learn this until after the fact. Like many abusers, he was manipulative and a liar, even though he never tried to hurt me (because his victims were all minors).

7. My husband told me he had been in prison the NIGHT I met him. Literally while we were playing pool and hitting it off. He told me what it was about and all that.

   Probably the 3 month mark he let me read all his PHYSICAL paperwork. I didn’t have to hunt down anything. He was still on parole for another couple months. I met his parole officer. He didn’t have to do anything other than check in and not do something stupid again, but she did randomish home visits too.

   I told him if he fucked up again I was out. End of. We didn’t live together.

   It’s been 12 years. We’re good.

   Ask to see his papers. He has them or can get them, or even maybe can pull them up online depending on where you live.. Don’t pass go. It could be a young sexual encounter when he got painted bad, or it could be really bad and he molested a young child.

   Don’t play. Find out what’s going on. When my husband and I were just casual I didn’t much care and took his word early on, but HE showed me his papers when we started getting serious and it was for “victimless” crimes. I never even thought to look him up before that lol. Though I probably would have wanted proof one way or another before we moved in together after a year.

8. I think you can call the county about case details or ask for copies of police reports but I don’t know the details about how to do those things, just ideas.

9. Your story was mine a decade ago, depending on what he did. You definitely need to find out and leave if it’s bad because he won’t change, I learned the hard way. I waited too long and thought he’d changed by the time I found out. Got married and had a child with him. 14 years later he’s now in prison for the second time with charges of possession of child abuse images. But what’s worse is he abused my child (he confessed). I thought my child was safe and I NEVER thought he’d hurt them. My naïveté and trusting him hurt my child and I will never forgive myself for that. Don’t make the same mistake, if he did something bad, get away asap!

10. So to be clear, he’s *fully aware* that it’s something big enough that will change your opinion of him.

11. which country do you live in? in the UK you can ask the MoJ and if they refuse to tell you, submit a freedom of information request- the court case will be covered by the open justice principle (enshrined in common law), which means the public have a right to know about it and the MoJ are legally obliged to provide you with all the details – except for the identity of the victim, because the right to anonymity for sex offence victims is enshrined in law.

    you should tell him – at a meeting in public – that you aren’t prepared to continue a relationship if he won’t tell you exactly what happened. say you know he’s a registered sex offender and that transparency is the absolute bare minimum of any healthy relationship. the fact that he hasn’t told you yet shows he is trying to control the narrative and is not fair to you as it prevents you from making an informed decision about your relationship with him.

    i’d also tell him (if it applies) that there are some things you can forgive. if he was 15, the chances are he was much more naive and immature than he is now – eg he may have harrassed someone or groped them, there was a grey area and he was too young and dumb to be clued up about the importance of affirmative consent. this might make him less jumpy about telling you.

    if he still refuses to have a conversation, end it with him. if he tells you everything, you should do your own research and check he is telling the truth. FOI requests usually take a few weeks to come back, so i’d let him know you are preparing to find out yourself so please be honest about everything. it’s your legal right to know about this kind of thing, especially if you are about to embark on a long-term relationship with this person