My (37f) husband (40m) was laid off a bit ago. He has some amazing leads for jobs, but we both work in a very competitive field in a HCOL, very competitive city, and his experience is great but not top notch.
We are starting to get to the age where our friends are getting The Big Job and making a lot more money than us, and we are feeling a bit left behind. Even more so since one of us is looking for work. I know money isn’t everything and we are so blessed to have what we do, but the feeling persists.
Coupled with this, my parents very bluntly warned me to not marry my husband all throughout our engagement. I’m pretty sure they no longer feel this way and I certainly have no regrets. But I just have this nagging feeling that I have completely failed in life with my choice of careers, partner, location, etc.
How do I get past all of this to be supportive to my husband while he goes through this incredibly difficult time? How do I feel secure in our family and our choices?
TLDR: Husband is looking for work in a very competitive field, how do I continue to believe that everything will work out, even when it sometimes feels hopeless?
6 comments
Uhm how long ago was he laid off. What was the job he was doing.
You are hinging alot of your relationship worth and failure on a job hunting and comparison to others…..
Well first – please do completely disregard anyone else’s opinions. It 1000% does not matter. It only matters what *you* think and how *you* feel.
Secondly – you genuinely need to stop putting the weight of a person’s character on their job. If your husband is an amazing person/partner who is doing his darndest to get back to working, that’s all that matters. Your work is not what defines you. How much money you make does not define you. Your character does.
Third and finally – if you guys are still surviving and not on the verge of losing your liveliehood, stop thinking that money is such a big factor. If you’re in love, he’s a good husband and man and you’re happy with him then everything is fine and you’re being too superficial.
To add: you need to understand that in your marriage (and life in general) there is always going to be ups and downs. “For better or for worse” isn’t just a phrase. You can’t just jump the moment it gets a little low.
I understand that it can be hard to find work, especially in a competitive field. It’s normal to feel overwhelmed and have doubts about your life choices, but it’s important to remember that it’s not about who you married or what job you have, but rather about how you deal with the situation.
First and foremost, it’s important to be supportive of your husband as he goes through this difficult time. You can do this by providing emotional support, offering to help with any job search activities, and just being there for him.
You can also focus on the positives. While it may seem like everyone else is doing better than you, there are still many blessings in your life that you should be grateful for. It’s important to remember that life is a journey and not a competition. Everyone’s journey is different, and you don’t need to feel left behind or that you’ve failed.
Finally, it’s important to take care of yourself and practice self-care. Seek out activities that make you feel fulfilled and happy, whether it’s reading a book, going for a walk, or spending time with friends. Spend time focusing on what makes you feel secure and confident. This will help you feel more positive and hopeful about the future.
How is your relationship with your husband? Is there anything going to make you think that he’s not the right choice of partner for you?
Comparison is the thief of joy.
If the situation were reversed, how much like a pile of poo would you feel like if your spouse felt like a failure at life because *you* lost your job, or couldn’t do something that everyone else seemed to be doing with “ease”?
Is your husband making good faith efforts at finding work? How long has it been since he lost his job? Is it possible that *he’s* turning down opportunities because he’s gotten a whiff from you that they would be beneath him? What’s going on with *your* career that you’re questioning it?
While this is the “for worse” part of the vow, sometimes these setbacks are an opportunity to really take stock and look at how you both are living your lives. Are you on the ride because it’s what you were “supposed to do”? Are you living your values? Are you working for a lifestyle that matches your friends or parents expectations? Does this life even fit you anymore?
I got that “big job” in my mid 30s. 8 years later I quit because it was destroying my mental health, and consequently the rest of my life. I’m now pursuing a different career that I enjoy much more, even though it will never pay as well as my old job. But I’m good at it and it makes me happy.
People go at their own pace and there is nothing wrong with that.