How do I (22f) bring it up to my family that I’m going on a date with someone?

15 comments

1. You’re an adult. Treat yourself like an adult. You don’t owe your family an explanation. The more you allow them to be nosey and controlling, the longer you’ll have anxiety over your privacy.

2. Don’t tell them before date two, or even three. You never know what might happen. I date someone for several months before I’d ever mention them to my family. I don’t need them on the rollercoaster of emotions of early dating with me.

   They aren’t entitled to this information, and you need to stop treating them as if they are. You’ll only make it worse for yourself if you’re constantly catering to them because you’re too afraid to address their completely irrational and unfair anger.

   Manage your anxiety, and when you do feel like telling them, also tell them straight up to be respectful of your own timelines and privacy, or you will simply tell them less and less and less. You don’t confide in people who don’t treat you kindly. No one does.

3. You haven’t talked in detail about your last relationship. It’s sad that you couldn’t trust anyone enough to come clear with them, I have trust issues, too, but I tell somebody when I am in so much trouble.

   But in the case of the new guy, date him, if it’s serious, invite him over when you feel solid enough with him, otherwise your family doesn’t have to know. But don’t be a solo traveller in relationships in the future, friends, family, colleagues are there for you, when stuff gets tough, they will tell you, when it’s too much of a burden for them.

4. I have never told my parents about a single date I’ve been on. They don’t need or want to know, frankly. I understand that some people are ‘best friends’ with a parent, but I’m not nor do I want to be. A healthy, supportive relationship with my mother, for example, does not involve her giving a grown man advice on how to sexually attract a partner. If there’s a girlfriend/boyfriend that is worth introducing, you should do so. Anything else is your business as an adult, and since you don’t want to share, simply don’t. If telling them this is a condition of living with them, well then I suppose the factors are different. I’d move out, in that case.

5. First, it is not appropriate to run to family for normal relationship issues, do you did nothing wrong by not telling them that stuff. The only time it’s appropriate to tell family about your disagreements and such is of abuse is in involved.

   You don’t have to tell them about the new guy until you feel like it. Your love life is private.

6. They seem really involved in your private business. Why do they need to know? It’s just a date?

7. Don’t use the word “date”. Just tell them you’re going to hang out with a friend. There are no rules that say you must share your relationships with your family.

8. They can be upset that they don’t have a ‘best friend’ type relationship with you, but those feelings aren’t you r job to soothe or manage. Lots of people do share some part of their relationship troubles with their family, and talk things over to help them make choices and find solutions. But there are surely reasons why you don’t want to share your personal life stories with them, and that’s OK. So you get to decide how much you want to share and you can say ‘that’s all I have to say about it for now’ and change the topic if they push for more details. Be steady and consistent and don’t budge on your boundary, or they will just learn that yelling or a certain amount of badgering gets you to fold. You are not doing anything wrong by wanting to keep your live life private.

   It sounds nice that something sweet has developed with your friend! Good luck on the date!

9. You don’t. It’s none of their business. And if/when they get mad and ask why you didn’t tell them, you can get started creating normal adult boundaries with them by explaining that you plan to live your life as the adult you are and will share with them if and when you want to do so.

10. They’re unreasonable for getting mad at you, and basically attempting to force you into disclosing information you’re not comfortable sharing. If they wanted a closer relationship, theyd work on being closer with you, not just get mad at you for not telling them everything.

    I would ignore their controlling behavior, tell them when you’re ready, and mentally prepare to set a boundary and exit the situation if they get mad when you do eventually tell them.

11. >When I told my mom (50sf) and my sister (30f) I was breaking up with him, they were appalled and offended

    This is super strange. I feel like there has to be more to it than that. What a weird reaction on their part.

    I once broke up with someone my family loved, who I had been with for years. My family was confused and a little sad, but they understood that it was *my* relationship, and they trusted that if I felt like we needed to break up then we probably did.

    The idea of my family being “appalled and offended” because I chose to break up with someone never even crossed my mind.

    >I guess I’m just scared they’re gonna berate me

    Is this a thing they commonly do? Or is it something you’re afraid of but has never really happened? It sounds like something they actually do. That’s not right, OP. They are treating you poorly.

    >They like to be very in my business

    This is something that was possible when you were a kid. You’re an adult now. It’s *your decision* whether or not they are in your business.

    You are young, and finding your feet as an independent person. Now is a really good time to learn the skill of not caring what your mom thinks about your choices.

12. So, realistically, you and your family aren’t emotionally close. You didn’t ask for their input when a boyfriend acted awful. Somehow you let them be ugly to you for improving your life by getting rid of Mr. Problem. What will improve in your life by telling them any of your business now?

13. You’re a grown ass adult. If you dont want to tell them, dont.

14. I honestly don’t think that enabling their pushy demands is going to make things better for you. They are far too enmeshed in your love life for your age.

15. So why do they like to be in your business? Is it because they’re concerned for you, or because they leverage what they learn to treat you poorly?

    I think most people would expect their family to feel concerned and sympathetic to a child who explained they’d just left a toxic relationship. Is that how your mother or sister acted? Did they express sorrow that you had gone through a bad experience?

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    If your family is only going to use what they know to cause you distress, then what’s the benefit of informing them of anything? What reaction do you expect if you tell them you’re dating? What reaction do you expect if you tell them *who* you’re dating? If it’s anything other than encouragement, or an expression of an opinion on the particular person, then what’s the benefit of raising the issue? And doubly if you’re expecting them to be openly antagonistic.

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    I realize you’re getting a lot of pushback in these comments, because people are worried that you’re not establishing a healthy boundary with your family. I just kind of wanted to show you why we’re thinking that.

    Based on how you describe your pushy family berating you, most of us think you have a toxic family dynamic. And enough of us either have, or have witnessed, people deal with those toxic dynamics a variety of ways and what we’ve collectively learned is this: a stronger boundary is the starting point for correcting a bad dynamic.