I have been with my girlfriend for three years and we live together. It’s the best relationship I’ve been in – mature but fun and healthy.
I was looking over her shoulder briefly while she was browsing her phone a couple of days ago and got a shock when I saw the Hinge app icon. I didn’t say anything but a few hours later when she was in the shower I went through her phone (we know each other’s passwords but I’ve never done this before). She had a lot of likes but no matches and wasn’t talking to anyone.
I also looked through her texts and whatsapp but found nothing suspicious.
Yesterday I confronted her and she told me she just found it entertaining to look through and see what dating was like these days, and had no intentions of talking to or meeting with anyone. She was very apologetic and said she would delete it if it made me uncomfortable. I’ve never had a reason to doubt her. She’s also not into casual sex at all (she’s only ever slept with 2 people – both she’s been in long term relationships with).
Not sure what to do in this situation.
TL;DR – Gf of 3 years had hinge on her phone for ‘entertainment’. Not talking to anyone. Unsure how to proceed or if this is normal.
20 comments
I mean, I wouldn’t like seeing a dating app on my partner’s phone either. I’d ask her to delete the app and not use them going forward. Proceed with caution and keep your eyes open to further suspicious behavior.
Extremely sus. But if you take her at her word, let her know it makes you uncomfortable, regardless of if she’s doing anything or not.
Mature fun and healthy, but has to go spying rather then have a conversation upfront.
How did you two meet by chance?
Well if it makes you uncomfortable, tell her.
I would probably express that you feel betrayed and have lost trust in her over this. I’d ask her to delete the app and consider ways she can try and earn back your trust. Being on a dating app for entertainment 3 years into a relationship means there are bigger problems that you will need to work through. What made her think that would be appropriate? Why is she wondering what dating is like? These are the follow up conversations you need to have.
It’s simple: either the APP or YOU get gone!
Adding such apps for self aggrandizement or entertainment is a standby excuse for fear of missing out (“FOMO”) or fear of settling … take a strong stand on matters like this now or live to regret it. No moral judgment here; just an observation resulting from reading far too many sob stories from those who decided to let something like this slide.
It sounds to me that you two need to have a serious talk about it. If someone is completely fulfilled in a relationship, why would they download a dating app and keep it a secret?
I would really try to get to bottom of why she feels that’s entertaining or what she feels like she might be missing that led her to download the app.
That said, I understand why you went through her phone, but I would caution against that in the future. Ultimately, you can’t stop someone from sabotaging a relationship, even if you really want to. If she has problems with the relationship, she has to bring it up like an adult. If you notice anything suspicious again, just talk about it.
Be stern when saying this to her.
You feel betrayed and her doing that has shaken your trust in her. Now, instead of being secure in your relationship, you’re now feeling doubt and insecurity. Unfortunately, her doing that has you questioning your commitment to her.
Regardless of her intent, do you want to be with someone this thoughtless?
Was it a complete profile she put effort into? With Hinge you actually kind of have to create a profile. Also, does she have no single friends to tell her what the dating world is like now? I swipe on one of my single friend’s dating apps occasionally for fun. It’s obviously their profile and pictures, but I do understand the curiosity.
If you feel satisfied with her answer that’s fine, but it was a really stupid thing to do on her part, and if you lost a little trust in her that is perfectly reasonable.
If i can give you any advice, stay the hell out of your partner’s phone from now on if you want to keep your sanity. I can literally think of a thousand better things to do regarding your partner than going through their phone. You WILL find something you don’t like.
It sounds like she did it for external attention/validation. Which, while innocent, can lead to other things.
Come on man – what would you say if your friend came to you with a similar story? Have you ever met anyone who has ever had a dating app profile just for fun while in a monogamous long-term relationship? Of course that isn’t normal, not in a relationship that is healthy and mutually respectful. I also highly doubt she would be as calm if you did the same thing.
In the absolute best case scenario, she is starting to get grass-is-greener syndrome and is trying to see what else is out there. Once she finds a more reliable option, she will leave you. In the more realistic case, she’s already messaging people and just deleting/un-matching when she’s done.
Either way, do you really think you can trust her anymore? I’ve been in a relationship where trust was broken and I tried to forgive them, but it just makes your life a living hell. You know she’s looking outside the relationship, so you’ll always wonder who she’s with, who she’s talking to, etc. And you’ll just feel bad about yourself for not being good enough that she looks outside the relationship like that. It’s just better to cut your losses and find someone who would never disrespect you like that – I promise, as hard as that sounds.
That would be the end of things for me, without question.
She is on the lookout for a better option than you. She just hasn’t found it yet.
>Yesterday I confronted her and she told me she just found it entertaining to look through and see what dating was like these days, and had no intentions of talking to or meeting with anyone
I have a bridge in Brooklyn to sell you. Very cheap.
I’m finding it very odd that she’s actively using it just to get a giggle out of the dating scene. But if you’ve had no reason to doubt her previously then it could be just one of those random one offs especially as she’s apologised immediately and offered to delete.
I will say tho that snooping obviously isn’t good and I don’t think it’s at all healthy to know each others passwords either – imo snooping on a partners phone is grounds for a break up so definitely just talk about things in future rather than assuming the worst and acting on impulse
It could be nothing. When my partner and I first got together he had a dating app on his phone. I immediately asked him about it, he apologized and explained he hadn’t had time to delete it since we got together. He handed me his phone and told me to delete it and welcomed me to scroll through it if I wanted. There was nothing to worry about. Completely innocent. I removed it and now we have two kids and a house. I never seen anything suspicious since.
It could really be nothing. I would just ask her to remove it and keep a eye on things. If this happens again, I would not let her get away with it.
Partners don’t sign up for dating websites for entertainment. You need to decide whether you can trust her or not. Based on what you told us, it’s not looking good.
Continue to trust, but verify her DMs until you’re satisfied- she doesn’t need to know. Monitor her behaviour and how she is with her phone, and any changes in her demeanor towards you.. Otherwise, enjoy your relationship.
I’m of the opinion that there’s no reason to have the app and no reason to ‘see what it’s like to date these days’ (that’s fucking stupid because she’s dating you.). Idk if I would cut her loose, but I would certainly prepare mentally to immediately stop caring about and to drop her like she’s nothing if I caught her spreading her legs and trying to fly off into someone else’s sunset.
She’s seeing her other options and putting out feelers. But sound like she is not directly cheating…yet. Humongous red flag. Sorry you are going thru that OP.