TLDR : my gf wants to try an open relationship I don’t know how to react / look for insight and feedback
Hello,
First I have been with my (27m) gf (23f) for 3 years. It’s been a long-distance relationship for 2 years and not always easy but we saw it through. I love her, we are very similar on values and character.
Thing is, she only had one partner before me (long relationship too) and I only had 2 back in high school when you have no idea what you do (at least I know I didn’t).
Lately she talked about temporarily trying an open relationship. The idea would be to have a couple other sex partners to see what they do differently, what feels different, etc. She insists “it will not necessarily be better” and “it’s the 21st century” (granted, I checked the calendar this morning). I am very puzzled because she is not very experimentating, she does not propose new things to try, she is/we are quite classic in terms of practices, and even with herself she never seemed too curious or into exploring and understanding her body. She argues that “it’s a bit of curiosity” that maybe she would regret not trying more people with different approaches.
It might be wrong, but to me these would be first, easier steps to take before considering other partners and I don’t get that she got here without passing through that ? Things that I would be all down for, I am quite open to new things and sex-positive I think but accept that it’s not her taste.
Then my conception of sex is that I am a lot more interested in the intimate connection than in the physical pleasure itself. To me, all the beauty and the pleasure also comes from being able to let go with someone you trust, to feel binded together. And then, all women are different, and I am not necessarily interested in understanding another woman or see what I could get from it, even if that woman would be “better” at sex, into different things, etc. I don’t see either how it would make me a better lover ?
Finally, I think the main thing is that because of my conception of sex, I would be jealous of the men that could have sex with her because it feels like I would lose that connection, or that they might have one together ?
It’s kinda hard putting words on my feelings, but I was wondering if anyone got in a similar situation, eventually took the leap and how it turned out ? Maybe people that are in an open relationship in the long term ? Insights on how it could or not make you a better lover (male or female) would also be welcomed. Insights on my thinking and its flaws are appreciated too. I want to know if there is a “right” thing to do, and how to accept/deal with that eventuality. The thing is, I get upset quite quickly when we talk about it, and I don’t want to get upset.
Thanks in advance everyone
21 comments
You don’t have to be ok with an open relationship. You don’t have to like it or adjust to it because it’s what she wants. You sound like you’ll hate it.
And to be honest, I think she probably has someone she’s interested in fucking, rather than just trying to ‘have other experiences’.
Yeah sounds like a wrap, sorry, bud.
I personally wouldn’t be OK with it. But you have to look at your self and decide if you are OK with it and my opinion for what’s it’s worth if your partner is arguing and demanding it there more to it then what you see or they are saying and I would tell them have a good fuck think of me while your blowing them have a great life
Now if they are really communicating about it other then I just want something different and checking the boxes and you agree roll with it if you still don’t agree express the feelings and then if they demand it tell them peace out
It’s kinda simpile do what makes you feel good and right and the end of the day there is a ton of pussy out there that comes with feelings and baggage just chose the one that make you feel complete and wants you as much as you want them
Just my opinion
Honestly, I think she want to open the relationship because of a different reason. I keep hearing stories of people having opened a relationship but then finding out that their partner had already been having sex with the first person they had sex with once the relationship opened.
I also had a buddy of mine that opened his relationship. His girlfriend was the first one to have sex with another person when the relationship opened. He felt jealous, but he started to accept it. Once he felt comfortable, he himself had sex with someone else. His girlfriend got hurt by this and felt very jealous, sad and insecure.
All in all, it almost never works out well. Monogamy isn’t going to satisfy everyone, but nothing comes without tradeoffs.
As a believer in open relationships and polyamory, I highly advise against this personally.
This kind of dynamic mostly works for couples who are already sort of programmed for this thing, and not for people who have any sort of jealousy in them.
This could’ve been alright if you guys maybe started this way from the get go, but 3 years in it’s only going to cause heart break brother. It’s probably best that you guys end this relationship..
Also, as another person commented. Your gf more than likely has somebody she wants to fuck and wants a guilt free hallpass to cheat (I see this happen all the time when somebody is pitching this idea).
The vast majority of *successful* open relationships are achieved because there’s a really strong basis of trust and communication between the couple, both of whom have *bought into* the idea itself.
Think of it like legs on a stool: if any of the above are missing (trust, communication, mutual buy-in), then everything becomes far more unstable.
It’s ok if you’re not ready; you don’t want to go into this with heavy doubts…that’s a total recipe for a relationship implosion. *But* you also are facing the end of your relationship already given 1) the long-distance factor (which is tough on any relationship) and 2) the fact that you’re both young and she’s expressing an interest in having other sexual experiences whereas you obviously have far more reservations.
> It might be wrong, but to me these would be first, easier steps to take before considering other partners and I don’t get that she got here without passing through that ?
Yes, that is what it is..
Open relationships work great AS LONG AS IT IS MUTUAL. If one side is harboring jealousy, it’s usually a short path to the end of the relationship.
If you can’t be okay with it then break up with her or enjoy the depression and the eventual breakup initiated by her
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You don’t realize it yet but she’s your ex-gf.
I’d have a break. She can go do whatever she wants, and you can have some peace of mind.
You can always rekindle the relationship at a later date.
Also as someone who is late 20s, I am very different now than I was at 23.
So the age gap might make this a bit of a difference. But maybe that comes across as being agist. Just a factor to consider.
She’s trying to tell you she met someone, but breaking it to you gently.
Here’s what’s weird. She wants to have sex with someone new/different for a different dynamic/try new things basicallly….. but won’t try them with you? That sounds and smells VERY iffy.
The way I’d approach this is maybe set up a date at a bar where you act like you don’t know each other. I’d rec likely making your style a bit more edgy/have some attitude but make sure she’s looking fly as hell too. Vibe, have a good time and just f*cking go at it when you get home. It’s a fun as hell play on a one night stand with a new person.
Ask her what her kinks and scenarios are for things she wants to try before hand and try like hell to make them happen/pull some new cards out of your sleeve she’s never known you could do before.
What’s weird is that it seems she doesn’t wanna do this already/it hasn’t happened… which means she wants a whole new vibe that you’re not bringing. The fact that she also doesn’t wanna do/build on that and just wants a new person is completely weird and smells like bs.
Go with the above scenario/ask her if she’d like that. If not, I feel like she’s bsing man.
Hi, i wanted to share my POV because my bf and I are also in a LDR. Sorry in advance for the rant.
We were friends first, he moved away THEN admitted his feelings during a visit. So we made the choice to try a LDR. And i had to really think about it, plan visits, we had talks and frustrated miscommunications about libidos and sexual expectations. He was a virgin, i had been with one asshole. Through all that, in the past 2 and a half years, neither of us have ever brought up open relationships, being curious, or wishing we had other experiences. I hope he doesn’t secretly feel that way.
But my point is, theres people out there who feel like you. When we are sexually frustrated or lonely, we talk about what new to try. We buy handcuffs and send new spicy pictures. We never talk about screwing others. So not every girl is like your gf, and i would NOT buy the excuse of a LDR. Shed be trying this even if you lived together.
What are your values? What do you want? Tell her you want a loyal partner and sex is important to you. You might have to split and thats okay. Youll find someone who wants what you want.
You don’t want to try, break up with her and move on.
Open relationships only work when both parties agree to them in sincerity (ie not to appease the person asking for it). I have nothing against them, I consider them everyone’s prerogative and not my business at all, but I wouldn’t be in one.
If you are not comfortable with it, don’t succumb. You may end up getting hurt quite badly.
She already knows the guy. I know for sure.
I’m poly, so please don’t take this as a knee-jerk reaction to the “horror’ of non-monogamy. It’s time to move on my friend. She has.
Only had to read the first paragraph.
If they base their relationship off of sex and you don’t, I’d personally hit the eject button.
That for me is a huge no – no and a potential excuse to cheat later on.
I’d parachute right now if it were me, if she rates relationships on sex.
She will be getting a whole lot more than you will