Tldr; serious relationship of 5 years having problems. She says i have been progressively putting less effort into the relationship. My problem is she doesn’t put effort into the bedroom like she used to. Sex life suffering. Realized she was right, and for the past month I’ve been putting effort back into the relationship like she wanted. She has not been putting effort into sex life i wanted.. like she did before problems started.
I’m 27m she’s 26f. We started dating in 2017. We clicked very well. We’d do shit together and hang out all the time. The sex was good, frequent, and varied (positionwise). I asked her to be my girlfriend because before her, I had just been hooking up with random girls left and right on tinder, but I liked her alot. I wasn’t happy when she wasn’t around, and whenever she wasn’t around, i wanted to be with her. She’s genuine, and beautiful inside and out. We lived with our parents until 2020, and in 2020, we bought a house together. Towards the end of our time at our parents houses is when I noticed some of the spark starting to go away.
As time went on, idk who really started the cycle, but she started being less and less eager for sex, and the quality of it would degrade. I used to be able to have sex with her in multiple positions, we’d give eachother head, shed initiate often, and sex was just alot more passionate. Now, I get a blow job maybe once a year, and to do any other sexual position than missionary is like pulling teeth with her, and beyond that she NEVER initiates anymore.
The no blow job thing started earlier, and idk if this has anything to do with it, but it seemed like after it happened she didn’t want to anymore.. she was sucking it, and for some reason it felt like i had to pee, but it felt like sexually good? Anyways I “came”, but it was weird, it was like an involuntary release of a liquid that wasn’t pee or cum, and it was high pressure, was clear with a milky white texture, but the consistency was like water, just slightly thicker (if anyone has insight on what the fuck that was lmk cuz I’ve Google it alot and came up with nothing lol). Anyways just to have sex in general now feels like a hassle, and like I’m bothering her.
Just last night we were trying for it. I was uhmm poking her hole (but not putting it in) from behind with my member while spooning, and rubbing her shoulders (which she has expressed she likes) and things were going good. Then she flipped over onto her back, which was the Q for “touch my vagina”. But after 5 or so minutes she’d start to pull back from hand like it was irritating her, and she says it doesn’t feel good.. when in the past I’ve done the same exact thing, and she was fine. She couldn’t get turned on, and we ended up not doing anything, and she sat there asking “what’s wrong with me”. I gave her a kiss on the forehead and said dw about it, rolled over and we slept. This has happened before in the near past as well.
I have some fault though… I definitely started putting progressively less effort into the relationship just as she stopped putting less effort into sex. I was just not being as sweet, as I used to. I have a temper… I don’t smash shit, slam doors, yell, never put my hands on her, and never would on any woman unless they came at me with a weapon or something(I’ve taken hits in the face from females that I didn’t really even know without hitting back.. thats a different story though), the most i do is raise my voice.. I guess smaller things get me more mad than other people would… idk. Anyeays when she would reject me for sex, it would piss me off. I never yelled about, or belittled her for it, but my demeanor would change and she would notice.
This started a cycle. She would deny me sex, or just wouldn’t give me what I want in bed when she has done those things in the past, or would just reject me totally. Then in turn, I felt less inclined to be sweet and give her what she wants outside of the bedroom. This was made worse by the fact that her “main reason” for having less sex when we were at our parents house was that my parents were home, and she had stress about living with her parents. My parents being home, and stress had never stopped her before… She told me “once we get a house, dw I’ll be better, and the sex will be better, I’ll ride you, and give you head pretty much whenever you want”
We got the house, and nothing changed. If anything our sex life has gotten progressively worse. Missionary, once a week, and it always feels rushed, and like she delays it on purpose. We’ll be sitting on the couch, and I’ll make a move. She’ll start to get into it (sometimes), but then she goes “i wanna finish this show” or she’ll make a snack and she’ll eat too much and say her stomach hurts or she’ll take a half hour to eat then go “oh it’s too late now” when she knows what time it is and that we have to go to bed soon. Or there’s just an excuse headache, stomach ache, back hurts, or whatever… all just bs cuz she doesn’t want sex
I’ve been thinking about this alot because we got into an argument a month or so ago where basically she said I am not sweet enough anymore and I spend too much time gaming and not with her. After we finished that, I did a deep dive, and I realized she was right. So for the past month or so, I HAVE been putting more effort into the relationship. I’ve made it a point to take her on a date every weekend, and I’ve been cutting my (already small amount of) game time to spend more time with her. We haven’t got into a serious argument, and things are generally going well… EXCEPT the sex. Its still the same shit. She can’t get turned on. Delaying sex until its too late, and excuses excuses excuses, which ik is bs.. she just doesn’t wanna fuck.
So like what do I do here? I’m putting in the effort now, but I feel like she isn’t. Do I keep putting in the effort, and hope things go back to how they were? Do I confront her about it? Do I just break it off? I’m really lost here. I want to marry this girl.. I already know how I’m going to propose, but if this is what our sex life would be like, idk if I want to… thats just how I am. I’m a sexual person, and I like to have sex the way I wanna have sex. But I know she is too, cuz that’s how she was in the past… she could keep up with me. Thats part of the reason I wanted to be with her, but that’s changed, and I’m terrified I won’t be able to get it back.