To start off, I have not yet told him that I find his newly intense passion for God and religious to be uncomfortable for me, and I know I need to but I need advice on how to bring it up and what to say to him.
My fiancé and I have been together for a little over three years now, yet we’ve known each other since we were both teenagers. He is undeniably my best friend and the sweetest guy to probably ever exist. With him being in the Navy, we’ve had to deal with a lot of obstacles due to distance, and he is currently serving an 8 month long deployment. He proposed to me back in July, right before he deployed.
Ever since I’ve known him, I’ve known that he’s Christian and believes in God. I, on the other hand, believe in God, yet I’m not a very religious person, nor do I believe in a lot of the values that the Bible preaches. I believe that there is a higher power, yet I’m not interested in worshiping, serving, and allowing myself and my choices to be controlled by this higher power. The way I see it, it’s my life and I’m my own person, so I should make my own decisions and choices based on what I think is best for myself and others. That being said, my fiancé was the same way, up until about a year ago. He has become very devout, and that has never made me uncomfortable, until he suggested that we have his old pastor officiate our wedding in July. My fiancé got into connect with this pastor and asked him to officiate our wedding, and the pastor agreed to officiate only if we grow together with Jesus through emails with all three of us and Bible study. I wasn’t too keen on the idea because I’m not very religious, but I figured perhaps this will be beneficial for our relationship and it’s what my fiancé really wanted.
Well, this pastor began emailing us last week and I was under the impression that we’d be dealing with growing our relationship closer, yet the pastor asked us questions like, What are you looking for from me? Do you have any spiritual questions that I can answer? Tell me more about your spiritual journey and so forth. Which is fine, I didn’t mind answering these questions. However, the second email we got from this pastor really irked me. He wrote to my fiancé, “You mentioned in your email, “(my name) and I have agreed that when we move in together after I return from deployment” thanks for letting me know what you are thinking and planning. Do you think the Bible teaches that God created and designed sexual intimacy for those who have come together as husband wife and that sexual relationships outside of the marriage covenant is not part of his plan and would be characterized as sexual immorality? If yes, would you and your fiancée do your best to wait until your wedding night to be sexually intimate, regardless of choices that you have made in this area previously? If not what do you think the bible teaches on this subject of sexual purity/immorality? I hope you don’t mind this conversation, but I want us to be able to have honest conversations even when it may be hard or awkward.” And reading that just made me nauseous. My fiancé and I have been sexually intimate ever since we began dating and I have loved it. Not only the physicality of it, but just the emotional connection we have because of it is unmatched. I love being sexually intimate in our relationship. Now, I hope I don’t offend anyone when I say this, but I have never been the sort of person who wants to be abstinent (in terms of religion). That practice is too religious for me and honestly makes me uncomfortable.
I immediately messaged my fiancé under the impression he would feel the same as I do, not interested in being abstinent and annoyed at the Pastor for immediately going into our intimate business like that. However, he messaged me back with a much different response and said, “I wouldn’t be opposed to the idea of waiting until the wedding night. We’d only be waiting three months when I come back home anyways.” And that just completely and utterly left me shocked. When did he become so religious like this? Now I want to preface this by saying that it’s not the waiting that irks me the most, it’s the fact that all of a sudden, my fiancé is letting his own choices and decisions be influenced greatly by religion. I do not want to be a couple who’s religiously abstinent and like I’ve said, I hope I don’t offend anyone with that and it’s just my own personal opinion.
I was so shocked I had just responded with, “Are you serious?” And he had reassured me that he’s not saying yes to the idea, but he’s also not saying no to the idea. I straight up told him I wasn’t interested in being abstinent and it’s not something I want in our relationship. He replied to that with telling me I should email the Pastor my opinion about it and I know that would just irk me worse. My fiancé ended the conversation with the answer that he’s still on the fence about it and he’ll email the Pastor back with questions about sexual immorality and that was that. I’m just very uncomfortable with this whole thing.
I do not want to be with someone who’s so religious to the point where they make their decisions and choices based on what the Bible preaches to them. I do not want to have a marriage where I have to be worried that suddenly he whips out the Bible scripture that “the wife submits to the husband”. That is not a marriage I want. I do not want a marriage based in strict religion and Bible preaching. I do not want a marriage where he’s always looking over my shoulder saying, “God wouldn’t want that” and “God would want” and so forth. My body, my mind, my life, my decisions. And again, I apologize if I offend anyone with the way I see religion, and if you have something to say about it, just keep scrolling. I would like some actual advice on how to tell my fiancé that I’m not as religious as he’s become and I do not want an extremely religious marriage. Thank you in advance!
36 comments
I don’t usually say break up because I believe most things can be worked through. However, difference in religion is one of those things that cannot be worked through.
Ask yourself if you want to feel uncomfortable in your marriage.
> He replied to that with telling me I should email the Pastor my opinion about it and I know that would just irk me worse. My fiancé ended the conversation with the answer that he’s still on the fence about it and he’ll email the Pastor back with questions about sexual immorality and that was that. I’m just very uncomfortable with this whole thing.
He clearly isn’t on the fence….this is who he is. Now it’s temporary abstinence, in a while it’ll be “no birth control”.
But yeah….sounds like you are simply not compatible anymore. At least you found out before marriage.
If you continue dating him, postpone the wedding indefinitely. Do NOT rush into a wedding 3 months after he gets back from his deployment. Sit him down today, tell him that you have major concerns about your relationship, that you want to postpone the wedding, and that you want to attend individual and couple’s counseling (non-religious and CERTAINLY NOT with his pastor).
You two are no longer compatible. There are a lot of bible thumpers in the Navy and armed forces in general. Someone got to him. Do not marry him.
Relationships are about boundaries. If you feel that some of yours are not respected and being crossed, you may need to rethink this. both people involved should be open and honest with each other and more important, both should be treat the others feeling with respect.
Follow both your heart and your mind.
So I am religious and live by the rules of my religion but completely agree with the previous comment. You need to postpone the marriage until you know exactly how he feels and what he believes about marriage roles, birth control, raising children, women’s rights, etc. Hard answers. Does he see himself attending church frequently and expect any children to do so?
It sounds like he’s giving you vague placating answers so you won’t be upset. Also, the idea that you don’t mind someone being religious as long as they aren’t going to follow what the bible or a church says sounds unrealistic. I wouldn’t believe him if he agrees to it. You are probably no longer compatible.
There are many reasonable interpretations of any religion and the Bible is unclear about a lot of things. There is a reason there are so many denominations and Christian traditions.
Your fiance has come to unpleasant conclusions about what he thinks God wants. You have come to different conclusions. The Bible is rich enoughz especially given the dozens of different English translations, to allow both readings
That’s fine, and it’s also fine to want to delay or leave this engagement. He has made up his mind and is going in a direction you should not follow.
Religious things very frequently cannot be worked over. Cut your losses and thank the god you believe in that you did not get tied down to someone that would make you miserable and force their beliefs onto you in every way they could. I have never once had a good experience with extremely religious people in my life bc with Christianity their priority is to convert and force others to live by their law.
Talk to him. You’re completely right to feel uncomfortable in any situation that makes you feel that way. If he doesn’t listen and try to come to at least a compromise, then it’s time to move on.
In my opinion, his relationship with religion will only get more intense especially if you don’t talk to him soon about what you’re comfortable with and what you want/expect out of your relationship.
Don’t marry a man (and everything that comes with him) you can’t envision yourself with for years to come. Like you said, “your life and your decisions”. Do what’s best for you and your happiness in the future.
I think you put the marriage on hold until you figure out how the 2 of you will approach your future.
A lot of military training is about making sure they follow orders and following a rigid hierarchy. It might be your fiancé is craving structure and a commanding officer so to speak in other parts of his life now too. It might make things simpler for him, and oh, wouldn’t you know, makes you lower rank than him.
Personally, religious differences would be a no go for me. I’d do an inventory on your values, goals in life, etc., and make sure you two are on the same page. It’s looking life right now you’re growing in two incompatible directions
That absolutely is a record-scratch comment. Not because those three months are that big of a deal, but because of exactly what you talk about in the last paragraph.
I find that these beliefs tend to travel in clusters. Sure, I know people that are “not until marriage” but are otherwise progressive and open minded. But… the sudden shift, plus bringing a relatively conservative pastor into the mix. I don’t know. It feels like a recipe for disaster.
I think your first move is to have a frank discussion about how he views marriage, gender roles, and your autonomy as a person in terms of beliefs. There are plenty of progressive Christians out there, so it’s not out of the realm of possibility. But I wouldn’t accept any waffling here. If he seems to hem and haw, or “I’ll have to think about that,” or “yeah, that’d probably be fine,” I would gather that he’s withholding beliefs that are more conservative/regressive than you might have thought (not in the political sense, to ward off any comments). Now’s the time to deal with it, instead of after the wedding.
I’m an atheist, but I’m an atheist who lives in rural America; in short, most of my friends, family, and coworkers are religious to some extent, and it doesn’t bother me at all. Most potential partners, as well. It doesn’t bother me that someone I love could have spiritual beliefs I don’t share. But I share your line in the sand. The moment we start dictating how our relationship works based on what a pastor says? No thank you.
ETA: I know that US military chaplains often tend to be conservative evangelicals, so I wonder if there’s one that has influenced him in terms of dialing it up
If you stay it’s just going to get worse.
This happens a lot. Generally if you want to get married and your both Christians then it’s normal to do marriage prep, where you discuss sex, family, kids, roles in the marriage etc.
If one of you becomes more conservative in their faith then the other has to either agree and toe the line or you break up and move on.
I’m also a Christian and married a Christian with similar beliefs.
You need to have an honest discussion with him NOW. Tell him that you are no longer participating in this pastors emails. Tell him that you have notice this change in his dedication to his beliefs, and you are sorry, but this changes things in your relationship at it core, so much so, that you may no longer be compatible for marriage.
ick. It’s like mixing water and oil…. It just doesn’t work. Good luck to you.
I could have written this…in my case it only got worse. The person I knew gradually transformed into someone completely different. I left him.
You need to start asking him some big questions because this could go deeper then 3 months of abstinence.
Is he going to suddenly be anti-birth control? Anti-abortion, if it comes to that?
Is he going to expect you to go to Church, and is he going to want to raise your kids religiously?
How is he going to handle the inconsistencies with the way the Bible writes about homosexuality vs how the Church teaches it? Is he homophobic? Is he going to freak out if any of your children are gay?
Don’t let him know how freaked out you are in case he tries to sugarcoat or lie to you. Get the info you need and then make the decisions you need, even if they’re painful.
Put everything on pause. Because I, too, worry that over time, his pastor…I mean your fiancé, will roll out the woman-hating. Have babies whether you like it or not, stay home with them, serve your man, no more birth control, on and on. And how is he voting? Does he vote to make you both equal? Or are you agreeing to disagree on your most fundamental rights?
Lock down your birth control at a MINIMUM.
This is a fundamental incompatibility. Save yourself the future heartache of detangling your lives after marriage, kids (if you’re planning to have them) and finances, and end your engagement now. So very sorry you’ve found yourself in this situation.
You need to put the marriage on hold. I’d respond back with something along the lines of “Recently your stance on religion has greatly changed from how it’s been our entire relationship. When I said yes to your proposal I was not agreeing to have religion as a part of our relationship. I don’t agree with getting married in a church and I do not agree with the church being a third person in my relationship. I understand religion is now important to you, but this has caused several significant changes to our relationships since you started down this path. We need to figure out how your newfound devotion to your religion fits with me and within our relationship. As such I’m putting our wedding on hold until we are able to figure out how our relationship will now look going forward. I think this also means we should both make separate living plans upon your return while we sort this out.”
If he’s going as far down the Christianity rabbit hole as it sounds, you’re just at the tip of the iceberg on how this will affect and change your relationship. This is not the relationship you agreed to when you said yes to his proposal, so now it’s time to figure out whether you can say YES to the changes your fiance has decided on.
Sometimes people in relationships grow in different directions and that’s okay, but there are some boundaries and when one grows out of the other’s boundaries, it means they’re no longer compatible.
Don’t marry this man
Man reading your story sent chills down my spine.
My brother became extremely religious towards the last two years of his life. He had postpartum depression following the birth of his daughter, and when I tried to convince (basically force) him to go to a mental health facility, his pastor suggested to him that he would be better off going to a “biblical counseling institute” instead, and that he could get him in, in a few weeks. My brother took his life 4 days later.
I don’t blame you for the hesitation and the anger at his capitulation. Life is hard enough without having to worry whether or not your partner is going to really be able to put your relationship and family first, above even things like religious dogma/faith.
Ask the pastor to see Adam and Eve’s marriage certificate
You know him better than we do.
Sit him down. Ask him about this journey, what prompted it, what his views on marriage and children are, how devout he intends to be, and mention you’re not going to follow him.
It’ll likely be the end, but that way he can find someone he’s meant to be with and so can you
I don’t know if you are planting on having children, but I would be very concerned about having a children with someone who lets religion rule their lives. What if your child is gay/trans, what if your daughter gets pregnant before she is ready to have a baby.:..how would he has a father handle those situations?
What if he doesn’t believe in birth control?
What if he thinks that woman’s place is to be a SAW
What if you do get pregnant, but something happens to you and he has to choose you or the baby?
There are a LOT of things that you have to think about and worry about. I would not rush into this marriage.
Honestly, I don’t think this is something you can be vague about in any way. He is no longer the person you thought you were on the same page with. He is someone else now. You are never going to be as important to him as his Christian God. You need to understand that and acknowledge it to yourself. This is how it works and you are seeing the truth of that in what has already happened.
So, you’re going to just have to be strong and tell him that you don’t like where his new found devotion is headed as it relates to you and your relationship. Tell him you think it’s totally unacceptable for his pastor to insert himself into your relationship and that you no longer want to have him officiate your wedding or to be in an email conversation with him.
His reaction to you insisting on living your life as you wish, which includes ejecting this pastor, will tell you everything you need to know about how things really stand in your relationship. Do not marry him if he insists on putting the bible, the church, or this pastor above your relationship.
I promise you that this pastor isn’t going to give up easily. He has an imperative to evangelize and he’s already got your fiance on board.
“hi fiancé! I want to totally open our marriage and intimate matters with this person you’ve never spoken to before and I want you to answer all the questions that would be totally inappropriate of a stranger to ask, to him, because I respect HIM over your comfort and our relationship rather than answer questions myself and putting him in as a middle man”
You should be happy with this 🙂 ”
I think its . . . safe to say its a little more *than just not being compatible anymore* and more of he’s finally revealing his values and what he wants going forward.
Nothing wrong with bringing a respected figure to help you communicate IN YOUR OWN relatinoship . . not someone butting into the itty bitty bedroom lint committee. On second email too? Are you sure this is a pastor and not some weirdo? WHO ASKS THAT TO A STRANGER?!
And email?!
There shouldnt BE another email unless he’s involved in it. A man cornering you on this?Bruhhhh I . . . . I can’t even..
I would be … very concerned if I were you. What if he agrees to a ‘less religious’ marriage? What do you do if he changes his mind once your married? What if he thinks he can change your mind gradually or is (highly likely) encouraged to ‘guide you to the lord’ by the pastor?
I would say that him wanting to be married in a church by a pastor and engaging in bible study and religious discussions with the pastor now is a pretty good indication of how much of a part religion is going to play in your marriage. At the very *least*, I would postpone the wedding. Give it some time to see just how far he goes down this particular rabbit hole before you commit to him for life.
ETA: it’s also pretty hard to define ‘too religious’ or ‘extremely religious’ because it’s very subjective. What you consider ‘too’ he may not. How are you going to agree on the definitions? Do you plan to have children? What’s going to happen there? Will he start putting into the kids’ heads that mommy won’t go to heaven when she dies and enlisting them in his god army against you?
If, as you say, he has already become ‘very devout’, he is not going to rest easy with a ‘wayward’ wife. And neither will the church/congregation he is a part of. He will be under constant pressure to ‘bring you into the fold’ and he will pass this pressure on to you. Again, I think it’s best you postpone getting married and experience life with him back home again, devout and practicing. See what that looks like for a good long while first (he can easily dial it down short-term if he is concerned it will end the relationship)
It’s time to end this relationship. I’m sorry, I know that’s not what you want to hear, but you can’t overcome this difference.
He’s not going to become less religious as a ‘compromise’.
You already know you don’t want to be some man’s religious ‘helpmeet’.
You don’t want to raise your future children to be mindlessly obedient because…’bible’.
Even ***IF*** he told you he had reconsidered being *this* religious, or that he’s willing to compromise, **you can’t trust such a declaration!** As your husband “saving” you will be high on his To Do list!
1) Tell your parents or your best friend that you’re going to end the engagement. You’ll need someone in your corner that you can count on.
2) Meet your fiancé at a restaurant (so you can get up and leave when you want to).
3) Tell him that the engagement period worked just as it was supposed to: It’s a last opportunity to ensure that the person you’re intending to marry is, indeed, the best choice for you in a lifelong partner. His religiosity is something you’re unwilling to deal with in a partner and unwilling to sign-on for as an independent adult. Remind him that his bible warns him in 2 Cor 6:13 against being “unequally yoked.”
4) Do not get sucked into long discussions, or offers to pray about it, or meetings with the pastor, or anything else. Simply follow each unwanted offer with, “No, this relationship is no longer working for me.” Lather, rinse, repeat.
5) Leave and go home. Meet up with your support people.
6) BLOCK the pastor from your email and phone. Consider doing the same with your ex-fiancé if he won’t leave you in peace.
You were pretty clear on what you want and don’t want in a marriage. He has changed and it seems you are no longer compatible. It’s time for a frank conversation, you should be blunt and clear with him. I suspect he will try to tone it down with the hopes he can slowly get you to be more religious, you should be clear that is never happening. Good luck. Updateme!
Run. There’s no compromise.
This is terrifying. I agree the wedding needs to be postponed indefinitely. I don’t know what to say other than you were independent and had a life *before* him and you can live and grow and be happy *after* him. He is not everything. If he will not come around on something as simple as not devoutly practicing a religion which preaches female inferiority…. you cannot trust him. Period. Please look out for yourself and stay safe.
Yeah, my partner suddenly becoming this religious would be a dealbreaker for me, but I would have no problem telling the pastor point blank that I am not actually interested in having a very religious marriage or wedding and see what they both do/say.
I’m troubled by his sudden unexplained religious fervor. Where did it come from? What does it mean? It’s all very suspicious to me. Until you can confidently answer those questions, you should not be marrying him. There are too many unknowns here.
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I’m sorry but this is not an issue that you will be able to resolve.
Do you plan on having children? What if one is gay? What if one is trans? Does he believe in physical punishment? Does he want to baptize and raise the children religious?
Honey, if you marry this man this is what you will get for the rest of your life. If you have children with this man you will have to bend backwards to fit HIS idea of raising children.
You are young. You don’t have kids and you are not married yet.
There is an easy fix, it will hurt but you know it will be the best for you, him and any children that might come along if you continue this marriage.