Has anyone ever been married to a narcissist? If so how did it work out? Or didn’t it? How did you handle their behavior? I am starting to believe my husband is one. We’ve only been married 1yr, with a baby on the way & I’m really considering a divorce after the birth of my child & getting on my feet. Any stories or advice?
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If you spend any time reading this sub or r/Divorce, then you would come to the conclusion that EVERYONE that is having troubles in their marriage believes they are married to a “narcissist.”
By the truest definition, a “narcissist” is someone suffering from Narcissist Personality Disorder. It’s much rarer than most would believe and it’s associated with some pretty dramatic personality traits. What you’re like seeing in your husband is the same thing that you would see in almost any other person: that he sometimes puts himself before others. Does your husband occasionally do something selfish? Of course he does, and so do you. We all do. Does that make us a narcissist? Only on social media for the perpetually online.
I’d highly recommend against trying to diagnose your husband with a perceived personality disorder. It’s going to lead you down a path that is going to end poorly. If you have specific issues with his behavior, I’d recommend addressing them with him.
Is he a narcissist or is he just a jerk? The former doesn’t know how to empathize with other human beings because they CAN’T, the latter often just has a low level of emotional intelligence, which can be addressed through proper communication and therapy. Narcissists aren’t just occasionally self-absorbed or tone deaf, they literally do not believe that anyone besides them has feelings (think Donald Trump or Charles Manson). It’s therefore VERY hard to modify a true narcissist’s behavior, because they are simply incapable of seeing a problem from anyone else’s perspective. Luckily, true narcissists are nowhere near as common as social media leads us to believe.
What kind of behavior is your husband exhibiting and how often is he exhibiting it? Have you tried to talk to him about how it affects you? How does he respond?
If your husband has NPD, there’s very little you can do to improve the marriage.
Can we have examples? Its hard to give stories or advice if we don’t know whats really going on. (Esp because this sub is basically trying to figure out what makes him or what doesn’t make him a narcissist)
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Never ends well imo. My mom has been married to one for 22 years (her 4th marriage and no kids together). She’s absolutely miserable, she even had me and my brothers help her leave. She had her own place and everything and still went back to him. Now he’s cut her off from all of us and they’re living their “happily ever after” and here I am feeling motherless (we use to be best friends) and my kids don’t even see their grandma anymore. It’s been two years since all of that went down and I still go back and forth from hating her to mourning the relationship we had.
I thought my abusive ex had NPD. Turns out he has undiagnosed autism and childhood trauma.
Rages, lack of empathy, selfishness, etc.
There’s a lot of disorders that can mimic NPD and many are a lot more common.
I should have left much sooner than I did regardless and that’s all that matters.
Check out Dr. Ramani on youtube. She has great content.
The fact of the matter is that if he dies have NPD, then he is not capable of change. What you see is what you get. It will never get better.
Also anyone who says “don’t diagnise people with NPD” that comment rings true for every PD but NPD, psychopathy, and sociopathy. Because those are conditions in which the diagnostic criteria applies to the victims and people around those individuals and not the narcissist themselves.
So anyone who says that is very uneducated about these conditions and are the ones that need to stay in their swim lane until they educate themselves.
OP asked for people with experience, which obviously isn’t you.
My ex husband is a narcissist. I left 3 years after finding out he was cheating on me with countless people he found through dating sites/personal ads on Craiglist, etc. I tried to work it out as long as I could, but a narcissist just doesn’t see you as a person who should be considered. He needed to have multiple resources to feed off of, and I wasn’t willing to put up with it, or be disregarded anymore.
Even after I left him, I had to block him on everything, and disconnect from everyone we had in common so he could not cling onto me any longer, or try to draw me into his issues.
I utilized counselling services and surrounded myself with all the support I could to get through it. It’s hard after being isolated from everyone because of the tactics a narcissist uses to make you feel like they are the only person you can count on or trust. I lost a lot of friends because of it. They couldn’t trust me to be there for them anymore, which honestly, totally fair.
It’s a long road to travel, and I wish you the best in making it through.
Is there a chance he’s using drugs? Your comment about him taking off for weeks at a time and really suddenly (in the last 6 months) just screams of drugs.
I used to be married to one. At one point, he literally said to me “I’m happy being married to you. If you aren’t, that’s not my problem.” He also told me he was the model husband at one point. He was screaming at me at the time. My god, his rages were exhausting! He would try to convince me that I was crazy– he’d deny saying something he JUST said. He would do something and then say I imagined it. He would never apologize for ANYTHING, and if something went wrong, then it was my fault. He also cheated on me with multiple women, and to this day, he tells anyone who will listen that I left him for no reason at all. He has also badmouthed me to my own children (his children too)– all adults. He wants everyone on his side. It’s very important to him that everyone sees him as the authority on everything.
It’s been almost 8 years since we split up. My life is much better without him in it.
EDIT TO ADD: We were married for 25 years.
I don’t think it matters if he technically would be diagnosed with NPD when you call somebody a narcissist. Lots of people to varying extents display some narcissistic behaviors but may not be to the extent they have the actual disorder. So I think your fine and accurate with you’re description of him.
But I think you know what you want to do. From my experience divorce sucks. Especially with somebody who needs to control everything. Take your time. Consult a lawyer. And be ready when he gets served with documentation, notes, and even recordings if it’s legal where you are. And it sure felt good to take control back of my life. I wish you luck. Don’t forget that kids do better with happy divorced mom than living with parents who are in an obviously damaged and inconsiderate relationship.
From everything I’ve read, he just sounds like an arrogant selfish jerk. Not necessarily a narcissist
I wouldn’t wait for the baby to arrive. Do you have family you can go to? Because that’s where I would be going
It’s terrible, do not recommend.
My first husband has been described a LOT as a narcissist, even by therapists we saw together (but not dx’d). However I don’t believe he is one. My mother is, and I can see a difference. My ex is incredibly immature, selfish, and messed up, but he is capable of empathy and does love our kids for who they are, not just as extensions of himself.
Bf I had for 4 years after the divorce, was a total narcissist. Charming and social, but after a few years together the mask slipped and it became obvious to EVERYONE that he had zero empathy. Everything turned to how it affected him, everything was about him, my kids and I were only valued as how we reflected on him. To a simply insane degree (as in, my oldest child got brain cancer and died after 10 months in the last year of the relationship, and bf complained that my youngest daughter was “too clingy” and interrupting his grading time – he was a prof – because she wanted extra hugs at bedtime when my oldest and I were at the hospital. Totally clueless and uncaring about what anyone else was going through).
I think people who have issues and are selfish can definitely overcome them IF they actually want to, and care about their negative effect on others.
A narcissist couldn’t care less. They are stuck in an immature stage of development where they truly cannot see outside of a first-person perspective when it comes to their emotions. Run run run.
Almost married a narcissist. So glad I dodged that bullet. She was a collection of red flags.
OP, please go to the subreddit called narcissistic abuse. Lots of red flags there. Don’t stand for that if he is one. And most importantly, LISTEN TO YOUR GUT. Your body knows you best