How can someone open up to you about a kink or obsession without looking like a creep?

29 comments

1. Honest communication is rarely creepy. If you have a solid relationship it shouldn’t be a problem.

2. why would a non-creep who’s not in a relationship with me even want to talk about that

3. Nobody except an intimate partner should be bringing that up in my opinion

4. Wait until you have built up a proper level of relationship rapport to discuss private sexual topics with them, ask them if they would be willing to have that conversation with you, and then have that conversation in a location, time, and context that you both agree is appropriate. Discussing private sexual topics is not something that you should be doing with someone who has not consented to that discussion or built what they consider to be the necessary trust and rapport for it.

5. I don’t find it weird. I’ve had sexual conversations even with strangers on many topics (usually just casually for fun). Just find like-minded people who won’t be bothered.

6. I’m not going to DM you back. There’s no reason for friends to discuss things like this, only intimate partners need to know.

7. My issue is guys bring it up way too early.

   I’m not looking for daddy dom, or a cuckold, or a sissy. I’m looking for a relationship. If you open up with “I’m an adult baby looking for a mommy”. That’s a hard pass for me. If an intimate partner brought up their kink I’d listen.

8. Is it absolutely needed for the relationship? Like, I have some kinks but my friends don’t need to know about them since Im not having sex with them… If you are talking about a romantic/sexual partner and you want to maybe get the person to do something, you should be honest and just say it in a place where they feel comfortable and they can just walk away in case your confession is just too much for them. For example, if you invite me into your house and then you tell me you have a full sado dungeon and you enjoy hearing your partner screaming from pain, I will be scared. But if you text me, “hey, what do you think of sado? I think it is sexy” I can just block you.

9. If we’re in a relationship, of course we’ll have that discussion about our kinks at some point before we start having sex. Nothing creepy about that.

10. It has to be very trustworthy relationship like close friendship or romantic relationship. I know what my best friend is into and what my partner is into, but to have those talks there must be trust, care and mutually open communication.

    Of course people can easily talk about those in kink space, but I’m not in those nor want to be in.

11. I’d say before opening up, really evaluate the person and decide if they are accepting, non-judgmental, open-minded, and will prioritize your comfortability and recognize your courage in being vulnerable.

    You should also recognize the societal stigmas and negative misconceptions abt what you want to open up abt. Then check to see if they subscribe to any of those or have biases before opening up.

    Also consider your motivation for doing so. Is it to feel seen? Accepted? To feel emotionally close?

    And finally only do this with someone you have a previously established level of intimacy with, and it is not beyond the emotional boundaries you have mutually set up to get into secrets.

12. If I’m not in a relationship with you, don’t. It’s not something that’s relevant to the friendship.

    In the context of a relationship, it’s going to depend how necessary that thing is. If you absolutely can’t have a sex life without it, maybe you want to screen fo other people who like that thing, if it’s going to be a central focus of your sex life and it’s so uncommon that it would put most people off.

13. If we aren’t dating, I don’t want to hear about your kinks. Why the hell do you feel compelled to tell me about them.

14. My friends and I post memes that have to do with kinky stuff. Sometimes those memes spark conversation. It’s always impersonal and there are no weirdo DMs or trying to continue the discussion privately. We’re just a bunch of kinksters that feel comfortable enough with each other to have light banter.

    I don’t know why you feel you need to have this conversation with a specific friend, and I hope that it’s not you trying to figure out if you might get laid just because you might share a kink (if it is please fuck all the way off) but making it a general conversation instead of springing it on them one on one may make that person feel safer.

15. If we’re not close friends or in an intimate relationship, I don’t want to hear about it.

16. If you’re in a relationship, just bring it up. If you aren’t, you don’t need to be talking to them about it. If you are single and need someone to talk to about it, maybe try a therapist.

17. Okay, judging by responses, are we already in a sexual or soon to be sexual relationship with this person? Are we friends? Strangers? If we’re just friends or strangers, I’d prefer you didn’t.

    However, I read this question as you’re already in a relationship with this person (because I think that’s how it’s intended? But I can’t tell by the other responses, lol), so, I think you need to sit your partner down and explain what you’re interested in. I can’t tell you what the reaction would be, I think it depends on the kink, but if you really care about each other, they should at least be willing to talk it out with you. My ex had a kink that she was so afraid to share, but then it was honestly so mild, and I’ll admit I was reluctant at first, but I also felt so bad that she had this fear in sharing it. Even if your partner isn’t into it, hopefully they will show kindness and understanding.

18. My husband opened the conversation on our first date. To each their own, but I don’t think it should be all that taboo with an intimate partner or close friends. I’m glad he talked to me straight away, it meant we were both on the same page immediately AND opened up the floor for totally comfortable conversations about sex going forward.

19. A little flow chart:

    * Are we in a sexual relationship?
    * If yes: bring it up while we’re discussing our sexual preferences, whether in or out of the bedroom.
    * If no: There is no reason you need to tell me about this, although if you do want to for whatever reason, it should only happen in a relevant discussion about sex/kinks (not out of the blue) and only after getting my consent to share.

20. Date me first.

    I don’t care about your kinks if we aren’t a thing.

21. I give zero fucks about someone’s kinks if I’m not dating them. So, if some dude I am not dating wanted to tell me about his kink or obsession, he’s already in the creep territory.

22. have a bond first and mention it when already talking about a sexual topic. ask what they like in bed first, then say how you feel about it followed by what you like in bed.

23. I wouldn’t mind at all if a friend told me about that.

    I’m very vanilla but I’m fascinated by peoples kinks, as long as they don’t want me to participate 😅

24. Wait until there is a good amount of sexual intimacy going on and there is some emotional connection. Dropping a kink on someone on the first date is a great way to not get a second date.

25. If you aren’t my partner I don’t want to hear about it. There are many Pro Dommes out there. Go pay someone for the time and attention you want.

26. I’m sex positive and generally a safe person to talk about kinks with, so I think part of it is knowing who you’re talking to. Different people will take it different ways

    The best way, I think, is if you’ve already established yourself with the person as someone you can trust and who can trust you. Also, try and ease into it a little. Don’t just message someone and be like “Man, I really like the idea of being pissed on”. If you have to just start the conversation with it, ask them if it’s ok to talk about it, brace them for it

27. It’s going to come off creepy 99 percent of the time and if it’s someone I don’t know it’s going to be creepy 100 percent of the time. Basically, don’t talk to me about that unless we are super close.

28. I had this with a date. We went on two wonderful dates, there was something not quite right going on, but I couldn’t put my finger on what it was.

    Before we went on date three we had a call and he told me some of his kinks, and the fact that he wanted an open relationship and was already seeing other women.

    It blindsided me. I didn’t think he was a creep, but I would have wanted to know from the start as I knew that I couldn’t do what he wanted. He had some general kinks and some extreme ones and I didn’t want an open relationship.

    He didn’t give me much chance to process it, he was very sensitive to it and wanted acceptance straight away – I needed to stop the conversation and let it settle.

    So, for me, I’d like to know as soon as possible if we were in, or heading towards a romantic relationship.

    If we were good friends you could tell me just about anything, but I’d let you know and would expect you to respect my need to process it.

    Always ask permission though, not everyone wants this kind of conversation.

29. Stop judging them,