Growing up my sister ‘Ella’ (now 35) was always the golden child. She could not do wrong with our parents. She got good grades without breaking a sweat and got into one of the best colleges. Me, being the little sister, I looked up to her. She was my hero and I wanted to be like her in every way possible.
Until first year of college. She met a guy, ‘Fred’ (now 36). Fred wanted to control her every move, begin deciding what she had to wear, who she could socialize with, what career path to take etc. To the outside he was mr. perfect, but I knew the truth because my sister confided in my in secret. I tried my best to get her out of his grasp, but I was 15 at that time, and what could I do? My parents couldn’t help her, she didn’t want their help. They tried everything legally possible, but my sister just blew them off.
Then we learned about the drugs. To deal with her situation she turned to drugs to take her mind off things. Fred left her for a newer model and we were delighted that we got her back, but we didn’t get her back. She was so far gone, she was a shell off her former self.
Over the years we tried to get her every possible help program, putting my parents in debt and they almost lost their home. Then we realized we had to let her go and get to us on her own. This was also advised by our therapists. We were essentially enabling her and that needed to stop.
Over the years she had 4 children. All with deadbeat dads, still addicted to drugs and she could barely hold down a job or a home. Last month it all came to a screeching stop. My beautiful sister, My hero, took to much and they couldn’t safe her anymore. She is gone. I never get to talk to her, hold her, laugh with her. My parents are blaming themselves, but I know that they did everything they could.
My parents are not able to take her kids. So now they are going to me. Financially this isn’t a problem. But I’m expecting twins in February. Our home isn’t that big, so they’ll need to share roomsfor now. What I’m asking for is; what can I do for them to make this transition easier. I will be getting them therapy. But I’ve just never had these many kids at once. I could use any tips/tricks you’ve got! Please help me be the best adoptive mom I could be for them. Many thanksin advance!
Kids are M9, F7, M3 and M1. I’m expecting twins (both M).
20 comments
First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. It’s good that you realise you did everything you could, because you did.
Now, as to the kids;
1) Make sure they know that you love their mom and that you’re not trying to replace her.
2) Make sure that they are fully aware of the fact that they are in no way to blame for any of it. (Kids tend to have a talent for making everything their fault.)
3) Make sure they know that they can ALWAYS come to you with questions, if they want to talk about their mom, what not. Of they feel comfortable, share stories of her growing up.
4) Make sure to ALWAYS be honest about what happened, but do so in an age appropriate manner discuss this with their therapist.
5) Make sure they do not feel like guests in your home. If possible, let them decorate their own rooms or whatever else you can do to help them realise that your home is their home as well.
6) Do not try and force any of the above on them. Make sure they know you’re available but let them come to you.
7) Surround them with as many happy memories as you can, but don’t turn their surroundings into a crypt for their mother. Remembering her is key, so is slowly going on with life.
8) Her kids will likely present and feel as a team and will group together, be inclined to take care of each other. Let them know you’re there for *them*, but don’t force it.
9) Involve them in ypur pregnancy. Make sure they don’t feel like you’ll forget about them as soon as your babies are born (congrats, by the way), make sure they feel equal.
>Over the years she had 4 children. All with deadbeat dads,
That’s not a you problem. That’s a couple million dollars worth of child expenses over the next two decades. Are you gonna have a couple million dollars to spend on your late sister’s irresponsibly birthed children?
It’s a nice thought but your *entire* life is going to be consumed dealing with them and their mental, emotional, and health problems, which will be **substantial**, and will detract from being able to raise your own kids. There will be four deadbeat dads worth of drama, problems, and risks. Your whole existence will be cleaning up these messes.
Are you absolutely sure this is what you want?
You got this OP, I am sure you will be an excellent parent to them. They will thank you in the future.
I am so, so sorry you’re going through this. I cannot imagine all the hurts you’re feeling right now.
Please make sure that you also have a therapist to help you through the grieving process so the kids aren’t further effected if your mental health tanks.
I lost my Mom at age 21 and I was not okay for about 5 years after. I can’t imagine losing a sibling at this stage in life. Make sure you’re surrounded by a loving, strong support system and please keep finding reasons to take good care of yourself, for those precious babies who need you. 💕
You’re a legend, may God help you.
Get them into therapy. They have been through so much.
So sorry you lost your sister. I am going to give you some tough love here because I don’t know that others are going to explain some harsh facts about what may be coming.
Through no fault of their own your sisters kids are coming with a huge bag of abandonment and neglect trauma. Of course you will get them into therapy, and it will be very important. But that will not erase the trauma or the behaviors and impact it will have while raising them. Even the youngest will be impacted by the upbringing they have had to this point. Despite the biggest heart and all the help in the world, raising these kids will have a detrimental impact to the time and attention you give to your new babies. There will likely be horrible temper tantrums, hard to imagine attention seeking behaviors, physical aggression, and other disruptions to your daily life. Your relationship with your partner is going to be tested. All of this will require money as well, possibly including prolonged hospital or residential stays.
Before you legally commit to anything, please find an experienced social worker to prepare you for this type of commitment, and have a long and thorough discussion if your partner is prepared for this as well. Know the resources you need to handle this challenge beforehand. It’s going to be HARD, and adding new twins to the mix is an unimaginable x factor.
Source: Father of 5, with three adopted children with severe attachment and abuse trauma.
Are you sure your husband is 100% on board with this?
What support do you have from family members and the community?
Given your sister’s situation and her drug addiction, do the kids have developmental and emotional issues?
This is an incredible amount of work you are taking on.
Hope everything works out for you.
Sad to hear. Is your husband really ok with this? Where are the dead beat fathers? They need to provide some financial help. From my experience, I had issues with my 2nd ex-wife cause I play a big part in my kids life from 1st wife. 2nd ex-wife also had a kid, but that never bother me. So even thou someone might say their ok with someone else kids, just be sure their 100% on board. Good luck!
Just wanted to say you’re awesome for taking up where your sister left off it’s unfortunate but I think they are in the best hands they could be in. Wishing you nothing but the best.
Bless you for taking the kids and keeping the family together OP!
It’s going to be hard to have twin babies plus 4 kids hurting from their loss, but you’re doing the right thing.
See if you can get some physical help for the first few months once the twins arrive plus therapy for the entire family (plus the kids on their own) is a fantastic idea. You’ve got this!
I’m so sorry. That is brutal. You sound like an amazing person with a big heart to take in your neice and nephews. I have no advice but just love and moral support to you from across the internet..
While all of this is 1 part full suck and 1 part congratulations and infinite parts damn… remember to keep an eye on yourself and your mental health. Going from Clark Kent to Superman can be jarring. Best of luck to you, your family.
I’m so sorry. That’s a lot for you. Start setting up/building a solid support network for yourself and for the kids. Ask that network for what you need, don’t wait for it to be offered. Forget pride or shyness or whatever else you think would prevent you from being forthright about what you need. This isn’t just for you, its for your sister’s children and your own children. You won’t be doing them any favors by overloading yourself. You need to ne at 100% for the sake of all of these kids so do whatever you need to to keep yourself in the best operating condition you can.
Therapy for your sister’s kids. If you can’t afford it, look into free options or maybe their schools have something to offer. Will you receive any government benefits for taking her kids? Any kind of foster benefits? If so, do they include a counseling or therapy component?
Consistency and patience. They’ve likely learned that words are empty, as are promises. Do not promise things lightly or be loose with your assertions. Something as small as not taking them to the grocery store like you said you would is going to have a detrimental effect on them until they’ve been with you long enough and experienced your stability long enough that small changes in plans won’t affect them as much. Consistent, stable routines. You can have a little bit of give on these but I suggest very little give to start and only for very special/rare occasions. And warn them as much ahead of time as you can. “Hey guys, I know we usually go to grandma & grandpa’s on Saturday but this Saturday we have to do blah blah blah instead. We will get back to our regular schedule as soon as we can (don’t say ‘next weekend’ because if something comes up again, you’re now a liar).
Start routines and ‘traditions’ for things. One of our Christmas traditions is we get those Christmas crackers for the dinner every year. We put one between each of us (yours is in your right hand) and we all pull them together. Then everyone tries to gather the stuff that flies out of them lol. You have to wear the way-too-big paper hat or you don’t get dessert, everyone reads the dumb joke out loud and we all look at each other’s trinkets. It’s such a small thing but it’s always good for a laugh and some good interaction. (Life pro-tip: buy the crackers at boxing day sales if you want to pay half price or less!)
You don’t have to be army-Sargent-rigid when enforcing the routines. That’s not the point of them. The point is for the kids to have some normalcy that doesn’t change from day-to-day. Having that structure is what will make it possible for them to relax into life a little, to free themselves up to worry about kid things, like they should. Not to worry about when they’ll have to move again, losing their belongings, food insecurity and the like.
It’s fine if they have to share a room, as long as they each have their own ‘space’ even if that’s just one shelf on a bookshelf. It’s theirs and no one touches it without their permission. Consider getting them each a decorative box that they can put small ‘specials’ in and even better if you take them shopping to pick out their own box.
Give them control in as many ways as you can that won’t have a detrimental effect and won’t start fights. Choosing what to wear, what they want from the snack cupboard, what color cup or which plate, which bedtime story. They’ve had no control over their lives this far and it’s good for them to learn how to make decisions now, before the decisions matter.
You’re probably going to have to teach them all kinds of things you think they should no already. Don’t act shocked or outraged or disappointed. Be very matter-of-fact. They’ve likely missed a lot of the progressive milestones most kids hit. Again, consistency and patience.
You can do this. Build that support system, lean on it, be matter-of-fact with them and they will absorb that. I’m a behavioral aide and would be happy to answer any questions you have so feel free to message me. Good luck.
You’re a better person than most people at AITA.
First of all, see that your husband is on the same page as you. Second, can you try and collect child support from the 4 deadbeats or it’s an useless battle? Third, get the kids to therapy because they’ve been through so much already. Fourth, monitor the kids for anything (ADHD, PTSD, autism etc). Fifth, good luck and hold on tight!
You will held the kids so much with stability, predictability and routine. They will resist at first because chaos is what they know, but they desperately need it to begin to heal
I wish you all the luck in the world, OP. You and your husband are amazingly kind and decent people. I hope everything works out well for you and your family.
You are going to need help with two new babies, and four traumatized kids. Do you have anyone who can help out in your household? Can you afford a part time nanny? When they are older it won’t be such an issue, but having three in diapers at the same time, round the clock infant feedings and meals/school schedules and cleaning are going to be very, very hard without help. You are going to be exhausted from lack of sleep the first several months after your babies are born. Please consider getting some help so that you can take care of yourself too.
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