Throwaway account bc he knows my main one.
My partner (23M) and I (23F) recently hit a uh… a bump in the road. We have been dating for 6.5 years. A few weeks ago he told me he had developed feelings for another woman. Now, I really really love this dude. While I was obviously devastated, I also told him I was happy for him. I want him to be happy and if it’s with someone else then so be it. But he backtracked and regretted. He said he’d be the stupidest man in the world if he broke up with me. We talked for *days* about this. He decided that he was going to break things off with her, which he for sure did, and he told her the same thing he told me. He had told me the whole reason he was going to break up with me for her is because he was looking for some kind of inner peace. He developed a crush bc they’re friends and she’s pretty, but it didn’t seem to go any deeper than that. I convinced him to go to therapy as well. He’s not doing well mentally and I don’t want to start working on this relationship again until he works on himself. He seemed to take all of this to heart and spoke from his soul when he made me all those promises. I already felt stupid for taking him back, but like I said, I really love this dude. He had also told me that he was planning to propose before he caught feelings, which felt like a punch in the gut.
I don’t have a good grasp on the time frame here, but all that happened about 2 weeks ago. Since then we have tried actually dating again, and it’s going well, but we haven’t talked about the situation again because there’s nothing to talk about and it’s a bit awkward. He also seems to have forgotten therapy. But I can’t stop being paranoid. And I fucked up this morning, I checked his phone, and low and behold, they’re still talking. It’s no longer the cutesy flirty talk, but he’s sending her songs like he would do with me.
Idk if this isn’t a big deal or what. They work side by side so i can’t expect them to never talk, but I thought he was done with her.
I’m hurt and scared and feel like I’m being played. She’s fucking obsessed with him so she’s not gonna stop it. This feels like cheating.
Not much more to say. Just don’t know what to do right now. Any and all advice would be greatly appreciated. TIA.
TLDR: my boyfriend of 6.5 years *had* feelings for another woman, and he might still. Help!
35 comments
Damn, your boyfriend is not treating you well. You gave him a chance and he decided to totally ignore it. Maybe also the girl now thinks he is single.
You’re being played. He’s still going behind your back and cheating with her (if he has to frame it as “breaking it off” with her, then yes, they were cheating and verging into full blown relationship territory already). And don’t just blame this all on her, it’s him doing it too.
He’s lied to you more than once at this point. He’s sending her songs like he used to do with you. He told you he would “break it off with her” yet he’s still chatting with her. Just because it doesn’t seem flirty doesn’t mean the intention isn’t there.
You’re smarter than this. Don’t give him another chance.
I’d say it’s cheating. He should cut her off completely. No in between.
If you want things to go forward with him? “Her or me, no middle ground.”
If you feel the trust is broken? “It’s not working out. You lost my trust and in trying to get it back, you’re still talking to her.”
Set strong boundaries as a dealbreaker without negotiation… or walk away before things get ugly.
First of all you need to set boundaries.
Tell him if he’s serious about working it out with you, he needs to go NO contact with her, block and delete her everywhere and report the situation to HR.
Make sure when you get the chance, let her boyfriend know what she’s doing.
IMO you shouldn’t stay with him, you deserve better.
OK…BION your glass is Half-Full.
1.) He was transparent and disdclosing to you. What makes it even greater is
it seems he did not do it under duress or because he got Caught. Apparently
he feels enough Trust in the Bond and in you.
2.) When people are under stress they will often do just about anything to
relieve the preasure and distract themselves from the situation. BION your
SO is doing what thousands of folks do and that is to reach OUTSIDE of the
circumstances to something or someone not involved. Its not a personal
rejection of you. Don’t make it one.
3.) What YOU CAN DO is validate His Behavior with gratitude for his
disclosure and express an honest curiousity for the nature in which he
feels he is getting his needs met. Be prepared for an “I don’t know” because
he most probably does NOT know what he is doing as people under
stress are not always aware of their behaviors and consequences.
Keep ther Bond safe and accepting so that disclosure of his talks and meetings
remain open between you.
This is not a Threat to you unless you give your SO cause to make it so. FWIW.
Why would you want to stay with him?
It sucks, but cut your losses and move on. If not (insert my favorite saying…)
You’ll be looking up to see doormats.
It sounds like he is still emotionally connected to her.
If he really wanted to squash his “crush” he would have stopped communicating with her on a personal level, and would only talk to her at work for work purposes.
To be clear, he confessed to seeing this woman and pursing a relationship with her prior to him tell you? So he was cheating on you (at least emotionally). He then confessed to you and then decided to “stick it out” when you didn’t get upset and said you would let him go if he was happy.
You deserve better. Someone who is fully committed to you!
Also, who says this woman is obsessed…him? I bet he’s been misleading her just like he’s doing to you.
He is cheating on you. If he hasn’t slept with her it is still an emotional affair.
I would personally be so hurt that it took him days to talk it over *with* you that he may be leaving you for someone else. Like he knows you’re his rock and his sounding board and he can just disregard your feelings and how hurtful this open deliberation would be for you.
And how dare he??? And how dare he still send her songs, and have let it get to the point of flirty messages! Are you kidding?
I completely understand your hurt but I would be enraged. If it’s not a “hell yes!” reaction to dating you, and the immediate shut down of any and all outside flirting, it would be a no from me dawg.
You need to set clear boundaries with him. If you go to any sub that deals with infidelity they will tell you Nc with AP is a MUST. If he is still in contact with his “AP” he’s leaving a door open, he’s not truly working on things with you. You need to decide if you’re willing to reconcile with him and put clear and concise boundaries in place, AND be willing to follow through with consequences (ie leaving him) if he doesn’t respect the relationship and your boundaries.
Seems like you are underreacting here
Telling someone to take their time and explore their feelings for somebody else because as long as that makes them happy gives them the idea that you don’t really have as much in this relationship as they thought
But as honorable as your intention was you find out that you’re ex-boyfriend is just taking advantage of you and lying to you and still being involved with the other person so use that as your fuel to understand that if this relationship ends it wasn’t due to anything that you didn’t help him and support him in
Do you really want a relationship where you have to beg & cajole them into respecting you? Check their phone to see if they’re lying? Force them into therapy? Is this really what you want? Or are you settling for awful because it’s familiar?
Honey, he’s gonna do it again cause he already did it again. You deserve better.
He’s having an emotional affair and does not care that you know. He’ll physically cheat soon. Leave
Your boyfriend is feeling like KING dingling. He has two women that’s in love with him and he gets to fuck both of them. They both are afraid to leave him, so he continues to love bomb them. SMH 🙄😏
I’d end it. He is branch swinging here and using you as a safety net. You deserve better.
Yeah. He’s going to cheat on you if he hasn’t already. There’s zero reason he should still be talking to that woman.
He is clearly bored about something in your relationship and looking to fill that void. They call it the 7 year itch for a reason.
I would guess that you handling the news like a fking boss and basically wishing him well. Probably completely threw him for a loop and he started to second guess himself.
But by still taking to her again, he’s clearly still considering it.
The two of you need to read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. There is nothing special about his emotional affair. It’s a standard workplace affair that comes from familiarity and crappy boundaries. Read this together and watch him realize just how garden variety this is.
Boundaries are absolutely critical for any successful relationship. He needs to work on his. This boon will help with what boundaries to artificially adopt until he can develop the ego strength to set them on his own.
And yeah, he probably needs a new job.
Updateme!
Yeah this is cheating. He was willing to leave you for her? I wouldn’t have taken him back as soon as he said that.
Dump his ass. He chose her when he went to you. He chose her when he stopped therapy. He chose her when he continued this.
He isn’t choosing you. He isn’t dating you. He’s love bombing you.
If you feel it’s cheating, it’s cheating. Tell him this. Tell him you’re not interested in wasting your time with someone who isn’t willing to change the behavior that led to the break up. The more you put up with it, the more he’ll do, until the lines are so blurred, you might as well go for polyamory.
I told my partner I had concerns about the potential for an emotional affair between him and his coworker. To the best of my knowledge, they no longer speak much, if at all, and they no longer go for walks together. It helps that he’s no longer with the company. It may not have been an emotional thing on his part, but who knows how she felt toward him. I was uncomfortable, so our communication increased, and we worked toward a solution. If your partner isn’t doing that, don’t waste your time, as he’s not taking your boundaries seriously
Updateme!
Leave him leave him leave him. This shit gets worse not better, please ditch and run
Sounds like he’s regretting it because he thought you’d be mourning over the relationship and begging for him to stay. Either way, what’s absolutely certain is that he’s unsure of what your future holds, and he isn’t doing anything on his end to show you some semblance that he’s in it for the long haul.
I don’t get he should do therapy here. Maybe it’s just me. Anyway, he didn’t cut from her so anything can happen behind you. Take care of yourself.
Hard work, struggle, fix yourself and the endless fun of therapy to look forward to. Versus new young carefree thing with pretty girl. What would you chose.
Just because you invested in a significant amount of time with someone does not mean that they did the same. If he has feelings for someone else, that’s not going away. He will just hide it from you while he sits on the noncommittal fence. He’s not interested in going to therapy to work anything out. If he was, he would have done it already. He has shown you who he is. People change the most after they graduate from high school. The person you thought you knew is someone else now.
I think that being able to be open about the risks you see as a couple is a good thing.
He in essence said “I see a potential future problem for our relationship please help me avoid it”. Then as a couple you could have managed ways for him to avoid this woman until the crush died out.
Sexual attraction is a biological reaction, like sneezing. If a couple is able to help each other to avoid this biological reaction from becoming anything more, then that will protect your relationship.
A crush develops if you feed it. All he had to do was avoid seeing or day dreaming about her for 6 months and it would be completely gone.
Updateme
Leave before you waste another 6.5 years with this. He won’t stop. He’s lying to you and continuing his emotional affair – IF it hasn’t already gotten physical.
He’s dating both of you.
He’s just seeing who he likes more and doesn’t want you to date or get over him while he’s finding out.
In other words he’s a dog
Man, I’ve been there. He won’t stop, please cut your losses.
It IS a big deal. He’s having an EA if not a PA. He lied about cutting her out of his life , he hasn’t gone to the therapy. He has no reason to, there are no consequences for his actions. You’re still there.
Break up with him. He gets his shut together, fine maybe you can try again. It sucks; it hurts like hell but you deserve better. Go NC for now, until you’re feeling stronger and have some distance to see just how shitty he is treating you.
Get the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass for both of you to read – especially him