Throwaway account for obvious reasons.
I’m a 40 year old guy – I’ve never had much luck in relationships until two years ago I met ‘the one’, my GF (35) here on Reddit. We are an amazing fit. We share similar interests/hobbies, are both nerds in the same way, and even though we’re not perfect we’re still crazy about each other.
GF and I are long distance. She has three kids with her ex husband, all between 4 and 10. I get along great with the kids and really enjoy having them in my life whenever I visit her.
Because of GF’s kids she can’t exactly up and move to my country, so we’ve decided to start looking into closing the gap by having me immigrate there. We’ve chatted about marriage and I’ve started to ring shop for her. I’m so excited to propose.
But ever since I started ring shopping I realized I would be leaving my 65 year old mom alone. She’s single (my dad died 4 years ago) and I’m an only child. We have no other family. She has three friends (two from childhood and one from her old job) but they all live across the country in my hometown (6 hour flight away – we moved out here for my dad). She doesn’t have a job and struggles with money (I help out when I can). Ever since my dad died she’s had really bad anxiety and doesn’t get out much. She’s going to therapy and starting to improve, but I’m the only person she socializes with or talks to.
The idea of moving away from my mom kills me. Not because I’ll miss her (I will miss her, but I can always Skype or call and visit every couple of months) but because I feel responsible for her. She can’t come with me if I immigrate because I’ll be moving to another country. In addition to right now – what happens when she’s 80 and can’t take care of herself?
I’m a grown man and I can’t stop crying when I think about this. I want to have a life with my girlfriend, but I cannot fathom leaving my mom behind. I also can’t imagine breaking up with my girlfriend. Does anyone have any advice for me?
**TL;DR I want to move to another country to be with my long distance girlfriend (hopefully fiance) but I don’t want to leave my aging mother, who has severe anxiety and no other support, behind.**
3 comments
> She can’t come with me if I immigrate because I’ll be moving to another country
In many countries, there are family reunification visas/permits for exactly this type of scenario. Not saying you have to consider it, but this is an option.
> . In addition to right now – what happens when she’s 80 and can’t take care of herself?
this is something you and your mum, but also you and your gf should discuss. Will you want to live in the other country permanently? Or do you want to eventually move back “home”? You need to discuss all types of scenarios, especially the worst-case ones.
> I want to have a life with my girlfriend, but I cannot fathom leaving my mom behind. I also can’t imagine breaking up with my girlfriend.
My husband and I are an international couple, and we had many discussions about our families (where do we move? How would financial support work? What happens if one parent gets ill? etc.). We decided for him to move simply because we’re in a similar situation (my dad died, it’s just my mum, my brother and me), whereas my husband has a few siblings, and his parents are well taken care off.
You haven’t said that either of them are making you decide who to pick. This is something you might want to talk to your mom about to get her perspective. She might not want you to go, but she will feel guilty about making you stay. There isn’t a win win unless you immigrant your mom to you once you get settled in. You can even have her visit and decide what she would want to do.
You’re having such a dilemma . I don’t know what to tell you . One solution is to ask your mother if she would like to move out with you? She’ll have to change her life, not see her friends but you can ask her just in case. Did she ever met your girlfriend? She can come during vacation.
As for you. I don’t know if you stayed together for a while because having a LDR is one thing but if youhaven’t lived with her for a while you don’t know if you are really compatible in your day to day life. Hold on before you propose.And about your job. Can you easily relocate?
i’m sorry I can’t help you more.