(F18) My (18)boyfriend did unwanted sexual things to me all day accidentally and I can’t stop feeling so awful about it and it’s hurts so much

I love my boyfriend, we’ve been best friends for years and dating for a few months. I love him so much and he’s always been so kind and considerate and thoughtful.

Our sexual stuff we’ve been doing has been nice before the incident, and I never felt super bad afterwards.

We didn’t get to do anything sexual for a week. At the end of the week we had a two day sleepover thing. The first day we planned on doing things because we had been waiting on week. I wasn’t too into it but I felt there was some expectation so we did things. I did oral on him maybe 8 times with short breaks in between. I gave him some handjobs and he can get hard right after he cums so he came once and we kept doing more stuff after. I was really tired to be honest but I was excited for us to hangout and do fun things the next day like cooking together, watching shows, cuddling and talking.

That night he fell asleep really early. He only woke up to touch my boobs and do some sexual stuff and went back to sleep. The next day he lay in my bed and slept for an hour or two at a time, waking up and touching me, grabbing me whenever he wanted and touching down there over and over and my boobs. I didn’t want to suck him anymore but he kept physically pushing me down to his dick and I kept resisting. He , kept pulling it out and making me touch his dick and putting my hand there. I tried to give him more handjobs cause i Didn’t want to suck more. Whenever I kissed him he would go deeper and start touching my chest and body and pull out his dick and I just wanted a kiss.

I should have said something. I said no a couple of times but we had done some cnc stuff during things in the past so he didn’t take it seriously. I said my safe word once and he paused but he kept going not long after.

It wasn’t so so bad at the time. He left however and it all came crashing down. It was more than 24 hours of continuous touching and sexual stuff and I. Was so exhausted I couldn’t stop crying for hours. I’d never felt so awful and gross and disgusted in my life, I couldn’t even think of sexual things without feeling so gross. I get used and empty and like I meant nothing. I still feel so sick even thinking about it. It makes my stomach churn and my eyes still tear up. It was three days ago.

I talked to him about it. He realized what he had done and how he had acted and was so regretful and said sorry so many times and said he basically assaulted me which I hated. I cried and we were texting and he kept apologizing and realizing all the things he had done. We met in real life and talked about it and I couldn’t even let him touch me it just felt so bad and I felt so awful telling him but he was really understanding. He was understanding of the whole thing, asking me some questions and telling me we never even have to kiss again or hug or anything sexual ever again and he would be fine with it. He was really kind and I could tell he was beating himself up over it. He told me he was disgusted with himself and I kept apologizing and he kept telling me it wasn’t my fault. He told me didn’t see me as an object and he loved me as a person and that he will be better.

I still feel like it’s my fault, I should have said something more at the time. I hate seeing him sad and I hate making him feel stressed and I fucking hate myself for telling him and ruining everything and it hurts so bad because I still love him so much but I don’t want to touch him and I literally cannot tell if I’m overreacting and making a huge deal out of nothing. I don’t want to even think about the incident as him, I don’t want to remember it and I just want to forget it forever and keep being happy and I don’t want to connect that experience with him and I don’t want him to be sad but it hurts so bad and I feel so bad I feel so awful I don’t know what to do I don’t know who to tell and I keep crying and laying in bed and trying not to remember and I’m just so conflicted. I’m just trying to be as loving and understanding to him right now and not telling him these feelings because he already apologized and he feels bad enough and I don’t want to hurt him and our relationship even more and I hate seeing him sad. It’s also finals seasons and I don’t want to distract him more than I already have from his studies.

It’s just eating me up inside and I needed to get it out. I don’t know who to tell. I don’t have a dad and I don’t want my mom to worry or think badly of my boyfriend and I have almost no close friends. God it feels so horrible but I don’t know what to do. Please help and thank you.

TLDR: bf touched me all night and I didn’t want most of it, I told him and he got sad and I’m sad and I don’t want anyone to be sad