Tldr; my bf (39m) seems to have lost interest. I’m scared, lonely and want to stop feeling this way
Long story short we’ve been together 2 years, in the beginning we’d have sex like 9 times a day which slowly decreased to 2-3 times a week as we settled into the relationship. That was fine for me. But suddenly he seems to have totally lost interest. We haven’t had sex in more than a week despite spending every other night together. I’ve been working a lot and we’ve both been tired but I still feel something is up. We’re about to move in together and I sense that he’s having second thoughts. It’s impossible having a “feelings” talk because he’s a typically stoical, guarded man and when I try to initiate one I feel I’m nagging. But I have no idea what he’s thinking and that’s a problem when I feel he’s no longer attracted to me. He still wants to kiss and cuddle but then just falls asleep.
Before anyone says, I know there’s more to a relationship than sex and this isn’t the only important thing. I also know it seems like we’re wrong for each other because of his issues with opening up emotionally. But there are myriad reasons why we also work very well- eg making each other laugh, having similar interests and tastes, being intellectual equals, and I still find him very attractive.
I feel so depressed about this and scared for the first time that we are on the rocks. He suddenly seems irritated by things I say, like I’m tedious to be around, he doesn’t engage much in conversation and he constantly seems distracted. I’m starting to wonder whether he was just infatuated with me the whole time and ignored my actual personality, and now that the physical attraction is starting to fade he’s realising he doesn’t like me or something. Worse, the more I feel he doesn’t like me, the more anxious I become and the more I talk shit- it’s like a nervous tic.I feel unsure of myself and unattractive.
Any advice on how I deal with this is much appreciated. I’m really stressed about moving in and don’t know what to do.
15 comments
Before you move in together, you need to resolve the severe communication issues you have. It’s imperative that you’re able to talk about things and work on issues together. If you two can’t do that, you can’t have a healthy relationship no matter how good everything else is.
Sit him down. Tell him how you’re feeling. Ask him for his thoughts. If he cannot discuss and doesn’t change, then hold the plans to move in together.
What’s his dating history prior to you?
Just have an honest, open and healthy chat about it. This is the only way you’ll get affirmation. “Hey, cool if we have a chat? We’re going to be moving in together but I’ve been stuck in my own head lately. You still want to do this right? Your feelings haven’t changed about me? Nothing I’ve done has been bothering you at all lately? I’ve noticed changes in the physical side and I get scared that I’m not as attractive to you as I used to.” Just be blunt open and honest, don’t have an accusatory tone or make assumptions, hold nothing back and let him respond.
Get answers. Don’t move in with him. The relationship right now sounds terrible for you. You need to figure out what’s going on. And if he can’t be a big boy and communicate with his partner, it won’t magically get better down the road and you should see this as many signs to end the relationship.
Along with everything else people said.
Hes almost 10 years older. You were younger when he started with you. You got older. He got tired of you. If hes one of those problem guys he’ll just replace you with another younger girl.
Theres a saying for certain guys ‘the great thing about high school/college girls is the older the guy gets, the girls stay the same age’
He just shifted that to mid 20’s girls
Oof I (25f) just ended things with my emotionally unavailable partner (34m). Had a lot of the same feelings as you last few months and recognising a lot in this dynamic you’re describing. I mean, definitely have a good talk and maybe there’s a miscommunication and you guys can make things work. I hope so for you. But also wanted to tell you, I’m so happy I ended things with my ex and I just started seeing a new guy who is not so ‘guarded’ and I’m so relieved and excited. Maybe I’m projecting onto you but feel like you deserve better!
I’m not clear on whether this is him not initiating sex anymore or him not being interested at all–have you tried to initiate sex yourself? If so, what happens?
Honestly I’d be much more worried about what appear to be your broader issues–first, that you two can’t talk frankly about your feelings and relationship and second, that you are feeling that he is irritated by you AND seemingly less attracted to you right before you move in.
At age 39 his testosterone levels could be low. My husband started dealing with low testosterone around that age. He should get tested
>It’s impossible having a “feelings” talk because he’s a typically stoical, guarded man and when I try to initiate one I feel I’m nagging.
Dump.
There are so many flags in this post. Where to begin.
We’ll start with the problem that underlies all the others:
>my bf (39m)
The age gap. This is important for a few reasons. First, it gives us some hints about where he’s at in terms of maturity and why he started dating you in the first place. In this case, it’s also important because as people get older, their sex drive slows down. Part of this may simply be him aging. I don’t think that’s the whole story though. Let’s continue.
>We’re about to move in together and I sense that he’s having second thoughts.
This is probably the big issue. He’s 39 and dating a 28 year old. Do you know why? I’d bet money that “fear of commitment” is one of the main reasons. Women his own age would have been thinking about marriage and kids a long time ago. You, on the other hand, were young enough that he could put off that kind of commitment. Now you’re moving in together. Your relationship is serious. He fundamentally didn’t want that.
>It’s impossible having a “feelings” talk because he’s a typically stoical, guarded man
This is sexist. Many men would be happy to have this kind of talk with you. This guy won’t though. Again, women his own age wouldn’t put up with this lack of communication. But you were a younger woman with a more traditional view on gender, so you think this is normal. He’s emotionally stunted. This is a lack of maturity. He’s not a “typically stoical man.”
>He suddenly seems irritated by things I say, like I’m tedious to be around, he doesn’t engage much in conversation and he constantly seems distracted.
You’re getting older. You aren’t fresh and new to him anymore. He’s getting ready to trade you in for a younger model.
>the more anxious I become and the more I talk shit- it’s like a nervous tic
Now we get to one of the red flags on your part! Why are you “talking shit” to anyone?
The way you handle this is to accept that there’s a reason most people are so skeptical of age gap relationships, and that yours is not special.
39 is the age when males kinda go downhill in alot of ways, health testosterone, could be depressed as he’s getting “old” 40 is that mid life crisis age sometimes.
Ask him about some stuff not related too the relationship maybe. Alot of depressed people hate talking about how they feel, might take some prying to get him to open up
Sex like you said is not the only thing however it’s a big thing and if youre not happy you’re not happy. millions of other men out there girl!!
Not talking openly about feelings is very concerning, do you know about attachment theory? He sounds like dismissive avoidant, people like that are very difficult to have a wholesome relationship with, it’s possible but he needs to want to change and open up.
Go for a vacation for 3/4 nights
Honey moon pause ends at about the 2 year mark. So yes, the infatuation and passion you had in the beginning slows down. I experienced this with my 43M, Im 34F. It is an important time I’m the relationship because this is where the relationship is based on more than just the rush of the honeymoon phase.
From someone who has experienced the panicked and anxiety you feel – take a moment and breathe. Sex slowing down can be the fact that he’s close to 40 now. If it makes you feel any better, my guy and i never had sex 9 times a day – I used to struggle with the infrequency too bc I have quite a high sex drive myself and my partner goes through phase of super dtf and then just meh.
Until confirmed, don’t let you mind run away with you in terms of the insecurity and anxiety about yourself. Try asking lightly about the change in frequency. Talk about where you see the relationship going/what your goals are etc.