This question is coming from my anxiety from having experienced this one too many times and I don’t like hurting people’s feelings. I have a new female friend who has a guy friend who is an absolute sweetheart of a man and is a talented cook. Such a nice guy but romantically not someone I’m interested in. He made a dish and packaged some containers for her, her bf and one for me as well. In the bag he left me a note with his phone number to let him know how it was. I absolutely want to contact him to tell him thank you so much for the food and dish, but I’m also worried that this was his way in to the following:
If my (female) feelings are solely platonic but a guy says to me “we should hang out sometime” or “do you wanna go get coffee sometime?” but you don’t want to hurt their feelings and offend them/push them away… what’s the best way to turn them down?
PS. If it helps at all, I am 99% of the time a platonic person. I probably fall under the asexual spectrum honestly, so if I wanted to use a cop out I could say “I’m not really interested in dating people, just looking for friends.” but I feel so weird saying that
20 comments
It’s impossible to reject someone without hurting their feelings. Just be clear and kind, and accept that it will probably end the friendship.
just give some reasonable excuse, the one you gave is fine. I dont need some long explanation
First thing: you are not responsible for this guy’s, or any guy’s feelings: they are.
But you can easily express your gratitude for the food, and maybe indicate that you are open to friendship, but just say clearly that you’re not in relationship space with the guy. If the guy is an adult it is not hurtful, it’s helpful.
You aren’t responsible for his feelings, but you should be nice if you have to reject him. His feelings may be hurt either way, but be sure to tell him “I’m flattered” during this process. Even if you’re not flattered by his interest, it’s always a good thing to say.
* No thanks
* No thank you
* I’m flattered but not interested
* Thank you for asking, but no
* No. I’m not interested
* No.
There’s nothing rude about declining someone’s unsolicited approach.
Can’t be done. If he has a high emotional IQ he’ll take it in stride, swallow the hurt feelings, and make you feel okay for rejecting him. If he has a low emotional IQ he’ll behave irrational.
I tell them I am engaged. Often (in my experience) men don’t respect if I don’t want to see them but they will if they think I’m another mans territory. Jokes on them I’m gay
If they don’t accept “No” say it in a couple of languages, maybe he didn’t understand you.
Spanish: No
Italian: No
Catalan: No
Portuguese: Não (this one is fun, it sounds like NAW said in a country accent)
I’ve got about 10 more locked and loaded, lemme know which language you need.
“No thank you” as an alternative to the aforementioned “no thanks” 👍🏽😜
“No.” That’s not rude. Many times, asking is rude.
I would try to establish the terms of the relationship before it comes up. Something like “Thank you for the food, it was delicious. It is always great to have friends that can cook well.” It sounds a little more thought out, expresses gratitude, but also expresses that you see them as a friend without totally punching them in the gut. For some, it may be a little subtle, but for others, they will get it when the friend word comes up.
as a guy i cant reciprocate, i will sit them down and tell, this is why
usually they can respect that, but they will be hurt in short term.
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i would give a million dollars if a girl would learn how to do that.
women can drag an affair for years, guys think they might get lucky, but they usually get srewed over
Say no clearly and directly. Women are socialized to be nice like this so they give soft nos like not now, maybe later, let me check my calendar, etc.
Some guys will never pick up that you are brushing them off and will just keep asking. Have to rip the band aid off.
He made you food and you won’t even be his girlfriend? Smh women
Depends on the guy.
It sounds like he’s a sweetheart. Ask your female friend if she knows his dating history. If he never asks anyone out and you were his first attempt in a long time after a hard breakup, you might want to let him down easy. Perhaps wear some ace flag apparel and let him ask.
If he’s a man slut and gives everyone his number, he’s probably used to rejection and you can be a bit more blunt.
Do NOT lead him on. Do NOT make him think he just needs to know you better so platonic feelings can evolve. Encourage him to seek other women, or be his wingman.
Guys want the truth. Nothing but the truth. I thought being rejected sucked until a woman had the balls to just be honest. Her rejection text went like this…
“Hey, had a great time last night but just didn’t feel the connection I needed, hope you understand.”
HOW COULD I HAVE HURT FEELINGS OVER THAT? Class move on her part.
What sucks about rejection are the games played. Just do it and get it over with. No bullshit.
https://youtu.be/0cgbZqR2AGI
Don’t reject him because technically he hasn’t asked you out. Text him and thank him for the food. In my experience I always “play dumb” either you TELL ME that you like me or I’m just going to assume you are a nice person.
Stop with the subtlety, and be direct! As a guy I absolutely have a hell of a time with reading women’s signals. I never grew up with sisters, or close female relatives. The more direct you are the more of a favor you’re doing him and yourself.
As others have mentioned, you’re not responsible for how someone else feels. With guys, you have to be direct.
“Thanks for this, I want to be clear that I’m not interested in anything romantic. I see you as a great friend.”
If he’s interested, he’ll probably be hurt, but being direct is the best course of action.