I (M25) have been dating someone (F25) for the past few months. We’ve known each other since we were kids. She is a widow, being married to her husband less than two weeks before his death and they were together less than two years in total.
She was discussing our future together the other night and told me that while I may be the next chapter in her life, we won’t have the same connection or love she and her husband had and that we’ll never be real soulmates. It was very hurtful to hear that but I just changed the subject and the night went on. There are also times she says that she thinks her husband sent me to her to make her happy.
The thought has been stuck in my head ever since she and I talked about it. My dream has always been to find true love, get married, and have a family. Any advice on how to handle/discuss this further or am I setting myself up for failure?
6 comments
25 is WAY too young to settle for 2nd best dude. You may have known her forever, but you can never compete with her dead husband. Her memories of him may fade, but they will fade in to a shinier memory. She may be ready one day to move on, but she’s not ready now. My advice is to tell her you love her and if she’s ever ready to giev you a shot at being #1, to call you. Until then, dude the world is full of women who will think you are the sun and the moon. Find one. There is nothing lonelier than sleeping next to someone who wishes you were someone else.
I personally wouldnt be fine with that and would probably end the relationship. Youre still very young and the relationship is pretty new anyways. Though I have to say that Ive never dated someone that lost their spouse, so someone that was in your situation might give you better advice.
Well,
1. She is clearly not over her dead husband.
2. Do you really want to be with someone that can casually say something like this to your face?
She is obviously grieving and may come to love you in the future but do you really want to be there as a substitute for her dead husband for her to cope ? She needs professional help and should probably be alone until she is ready to date again.
She’s still grieving, and I’m sure she can’t imagine a future where she’ll love anyone as much as she loved her late husband, that doesn’t mean she won’t eventually.
The thing is you’ve only been dating a few months and she didn’t break up with him, he died. That’s going to take a long time for her to move past and his memory will always be with her.
You need to decide if that’s something you can live with.
Well first off, I wouldn’t necessarily take what she said as the complete and accurate truth. She might mean it, but it doesn’t mean her feelings won’t change over time. You don’t say exactly how long it’s been since she lost her husband, but given her age and how long they were together it probably isn’t more than a couple years ago? She’s likely still grieving his loss quite a bit.
That said, marrying a widow or widower is always going to put you in a bit of an odd spot. Some part of them is always going to remain dedicated to the spouse they lost. The memories of that spouse are also likely to be viewed through rose-colored glasses. It can be hard for a real person to compete with those idealized memories.
I guess what I’m saying is that her dead husband may remain a factor in your relationship for a long time, and now’s the time to decide if you can deal with that or not.
She seems immature at best. She probably needs therapy. She might turn into a decent person in 5 or 10 years.
You are competing with a ghost who is perfect.
Not a great situation for you.
You should leave and find someone who wants you as their first choice.