this happened tonight, my gf and i just got into a huge fight and i guess i’m looking for an outsiders POV.
quick back story: i’ve been living with my gf for two years. we were best friends for about 10 years before that so we know basically everything about each other and we’re generally great at communicating.
this afternoon i went to check up on her in her home office and she was noticeably angry. i asked why and pressed but she didn’t budge. about an hour later she told me that she overheard me on a zoom call with a coworker and felt like i was being overly social with that coworker (24F).
this is not the first time she’s insinuated something about me having women friends. there was another girl, let’s call her G, that i’ve known since playing music together in middle school. we became friends because we both like the same type of music. our friendship consisted of extremely boring, extremely platonic conversations about bands in the genre we liked. i don’t have many friends who like my music so i still cherished the friendship despite its simplicity.
But my gf found out that we talk on messenger when she’s asleep. i never hid it from her but i guess she didn’t realize we will chat when she’s asleep. i have insomnia and she goes to bed early so this didn’t seem weird to me. she got super freaked out and swore i was cheating. i honestly had a hard time convincing her it was a platonic relationship based on music, i even showed her our message history. she said that it didn’t matter because i could delete messages. my reaction was confusion and anger because how can i disprove something that doesn’t exist? the result was i told her i’d stop talking with G completely but that i didn’t want to start a trend of not being able to have friends that are women.
before i continue it’s worth noting that i grew up with 3 sisters in a single mother household and eventually had many more step sisters. it’s not an excuse but it’s the reason i get along with women and have a hard time socially connecting with men. it’s also the reason i have never cheated and i will never cheat. it destroyed my family and my childhood.
so now i’m at a new job and haven’t made a lot of new connections. i recently had a falling out with my best dude friend and thankfully was able to become decent friends with this girl remotely at my new company. it was nice to be able to talk to someone at work during meetings. this girl is admittedly young but we talk about super surface level stuff like cooking and our job. our conversations are only during work hours and primarily about work, occasionally about cooking or music. we don’t talk about our personal lives and all of our zoom calls are out loud and my gf can hear them.
after arguing all night because she said she could tell i was flirting, my gf blew up with me and said “why did you have to make friends with a younger girl” and that it’s not acceptable. i’ve repeatedly said that it’s platonic and that i only want my gf. but she’s angry i’m standing my ground despite telling her she can’t control my friends.
tbh i would stop talking to the work friend except i have no one else to talk to right now. obviously my gf and i talk everyday but i don’t really have any friends outside that.
am i being unrealistic? is my gf? i’m having a hard time because my ultimate goal is to fix this. i love my gf more than anything and i want to be with her. but i also feel like i need to stand up for myself. if she doesn’t accept that i will have friends that aren’t always male, i might be friendless quite often.
tl;dr: my gf thinks it’s inappropriate for me to have a friendship with a younger woman. not looking for “dump her immediately” advice
16 comments
If you really aren’t cheating, and she’s accusing you of cheating, she’s probably cheating.
I think your gf is being a little insecure and if you want to fix things with her you’ll need to get granular with her and ask her exactly what you said to this coworker that is bugging her.
Tbh just because you suffered from cjeating in your family doesn’t necessarily guarantee you wont do it. And saying over and over that this is a platonic friendship doesn’t help either – your gf was once your platonic friend, now you’re dating. What I am saying is that things change. I’d also be a little worried if my partner was up late at night texting someone after I went to bed, because that’s how most emotional affairs begin.
Has she done it to other female friends you have? Because if she doesn’t have issues with that in general then these specific incidents are different. And what about your guy friends or making some new?
Maybe I’m a little too inebriated to give good advice at the moment, so take this all with a grain of salt:
I would say once her initial pain from the situation has subsided, I would try to talk about previous relationships you and her have had. For her talk about romantic relationships. Has she been cheated on before? Was someone she knows cheated on? Try to nail down the patterns she has seen in romantic relationships where someone had cheated, do they line up with the patterns she is observing with your new work friend? What about G? Then look at your platonic relarionships, what has caused those to come and go? Maybe there is room for improvement on your side when it comes to making friends. I don’t mean harm by that statement, but everyone can always grow and learn and make new friends as they get older, so I really wish you luck there! But I digress.
It can be easy to resort to asking why she doesn’t trust you, but more importantly, I think you can ask why she is afraid. Fear and trust are not one in the same, so dont go in thinking she doesn’t trust you right now. She may not trust the other person, which scares her. Express your side, as I’m sure you have, and allow for a calm discussion. She may be hurt regarding other things from her past. You may even be aware of those given your previous friendship. But it’s understandable from both of your perspectives. You want friends, and that’s okay! She wants to know her boyfriend will remain faithful, and that’s okay too! Keep in mind she was a friend that turned into more, so maybe she is afraid that would happen again and leave her redundant.
When my ex and I broke up, she finally let me know that the relationship I had with my bands singer made her uncoflmfortable and afraid. (My singer and I had been friends for 10+ years since high school) I wish she had told me sooner! But she mentioned very candidly that because my singer would always come over for practice/etc. she was then able to get to know them and form their own friendship. Which helped her to trust them more and become less uncomfortable with our friendship. They still talk! But in essence, she explained that it wasn’t a matter of not trusting me, but instead, it was that she felt threatened by my friend and didn’t trust them.
The fact that she was able to bring it up with you, even if it was through fighting, is good news. It means she wants it to be better. I’m sure she cares about your happiness just as much as she cares about the relationship you both have. Ask to meet some of her friends, join a Facebook group in your area that revolves around the music you like (just try searching). I know some people have used different apps like bumble (its not just for dating), or gamerlink (if you like video games) to find new friends. Explain to your girlfriend that you would like to make more friends and see if you and her can go out looking for other couples to hang out with and do double dates or something.
Best of luck, I hope it all works out! You have good morals, and I get the single mom/multiple sister thing, I’ve always been better with women. I have one guy friend I’ve kept since middle school, and that friendship survived because he got a wife I enjoy hanging out with, too. Lol
I think you need to validate her feelings. Acknowledge that she has a right to feel what she’s feeling but that it doesn’t mean that you’re doing anything wrong. Also, maybe look at it from her pov. She was your friend for years before you got together. She may think you might create a bond like the one you two had which led to you two dating. And before you think she’s overreacting, maybe you should ask yourself if you would be okay with her talking to a male friend late at night while you sleep, regardless of the content. And as far as the coworker, as long as you’re not communicating outside of work hours and the topics of conversation remain, like you mentioned, “surface level” and you reassure your gf that nothing shady is going on, I think you should be fine.
It sounds like you’re keeping decent boundaries around the work friendship if you’re just making small talk during meetings.
I understand her feelings and I’ve often felt jealous when my partner has female friends, but I’m responsible for regulating my own behaviour when it comes to jealousy, and not project that unnecessarily onto my partner without a valid reason.
She may need to show you the respect of leaving the relationship if she really can’t find it in herself to have a bit of faith and trust you if you’ve been as up front as you’ve said, and find someone who is willing to meet her standard of what sounds like no friendships (or working with) the opposite sex. Otherwise she’s going to have to work on herself so she’s not taking her anger out on you for her unfounded insecurity. You’ll both end up resentful otherwise.
Personally it just sounds like you’re being friendly at work, on the other hand if it were to escalate and friendship was taken outside of the workplace, and you had a pattern of prioritising female friendship I would find that hard to accept as your partner. Other women may not mind but doesn’t sound like your gf is that type, which may mean you’re not compatible long term. No one is wrong or right in this situation but we all have different boundaries around this kind of thing.
You said you don’t talk about your personal lives, but does that mean you haven’t mentioned your girlfriend to work friend? If you have, letting your gf know you’ve told her you’re in a relationship might help her feel more secure that you’re not trying to take things further with colleague.
Do you think maybe she’s insecure because you guys were friends for so long before getting into a relationship and she’s afraid that your plutonic friendships could grow into something more in the same way? Just a thought.
She’s being a little insecure, but, you stated you talk to another female when she falls asleep and didn’t tell her. Not exactly being honest is it. It’ll probably look to your girlfriend that you did in fact hide it from her, and if she had nothing to worry about, why not tell her? She’s said she’s worried, if you want to remain with her, then you need to set boundaries with the other females. If you found out your GF was talking to guys when you were asleep, how would you feel? Always try and put yourself in their shoes and think how you’d react.
Tell her that her insecurities over your friends are her problem to solve.
And if she can’t get over them , then the door is over there, don’t let it hit her arse on the way out.
Do not apologise for having a friend.
Do not stop talking to your friends.
Your gf is acting very controlling and toxic, so if this isn’t normal, then she’s hiding something, or truly is jealous of your friend and you probably need to decide what you want more, a normal life, or one where you learn to hide things so that your gf doesn’t feel bad.
There are clearly some underlying communication and trust issues between you and your girlfriend, but based on your post, I think you are being unreasonable.
On the one hand, you say you and coworker only discuss “super surface level” things and primarily talk about work. (If all conversations are out loud, how are you communicating during meetings?)
On the other hand, you say that if you stop talking to your coworker you will have no one else to talk to besides your girlfriend. So this younger female coworker is now actually an *essential* part of your life??!
How long have you been talking to coworker?
Did you tell your girlfriend about the coworker, or was this another “while you were sleeping” relationship?
If you and coworker don’t talk about your personal lives, does she know you live with your girlfriend?
Also, you and your girlfriend were best friends for a decade before you became romantic. So maybe she is concerned because she knows from experience that your platonic relationships don’t always stay platonic.
In all seriousness, unless she was standing right behind you, she would have no way of knowing whether you were talking to a 24-year-old or a 42-year-old, and if you were talking about work, she probably wouldn’t have paid any attention to your conversation. But your girlfriend heard the way you were talking. You were being flirty and not talking about work, so she became concerned and suspicious.
You recently had a falling out with your best dude friend and apparently do not speak with any of your 3 sisters because you have no one else to talk to besides your girlfriend and coworker. So maybe focus on finding age appropriate, non-coworker friends. And ask yourself if a “friendship” with this *coworker* is the hill you want your relationship to die on.
She seems pretty controlling. Being insecure is no justification. People in relationships are allowed to have friends and to talk to other people of both genders. She’s probably going to be like that for the rest of her life. Good luck.
It sounds like she’s a little insecure, so the best thing to do is validate her feelings. Tbh I understand her concerns over the friend you would message at night. Regarding the work friend- maybe put a solid effort into making friends with another man at work. That way she’ll see you’re not ONLY friends with young women.
Does she have friends of opposite gender?
First, you’re in bed with your gf, but you’re messaging your coworker. What do you talk about, because it can’t be all about work? Pretty soon your talks will veer away from work to non-work stuff. Dont think this wont happen because not everybody talks about work with coworkers allll the time. And you say you have insomnia, so is this friend the only one you do this with?
Eventually, you’ll start talking about things you have in common. It wont stop there, you’ll be planning activities outside of work.
Later, if you dont watch out, you start talking about personal problems. Then you meet at work, you talk about problems there, like problems with the gf. Pretty sure you might even bring up that your gf doesnt like you and her talking deep into the night.
I wont say what you’re doing is cheating per se, but it’s inappropriate and questionable.
It’s not wrong to have female friends, but I think better communication would have helped you a lot.
Talking to another woman, regularly, late at night, in secret, only while your partner is asleep, looks super shady. I’m not saying you were cheating or anything but I am saying that looks really bad. If it was so harmless, why didn’t your girlfriend know? Things like that will plant seeds of doubt in someone’s head. Like what else are they hiding? Best of luck.
Most people have said what I wanted to say but I do have a question,
She said she knows you were flirting with her when you were talking to her. Now I know how my husbands flirts (poor bastard has always been terrible at it) most people wouldn’t consider it flirting but if he did it to another woman I would instantly know it’s different because I know that’s his way of flirting. So think on that and ask yourself were you flirting in an unconventional way that may have been used on your gf that you may have not even noticed.
Other than that I think she needs help communicating and maybe couples counselling
Sounds like you’re not gonna have any friends at this rate.
Aww honestly it sounds like you’re not doing anything wrong but that she’s feeling kinda insecure. And that’s also okay and honestly, very reasonable. Women do really fucked up shit to each other when they’re not in a healthy mindset. Just show your gf love and affection – find ways to remind her what she means to you and how she is your best friend. And remind her how important it is that you two trust each other. And also, just explain to her all the things you explained in your post about your social habits and your feelings about the relationships you have and don’t have currently. Wait till she can receive it openly of course.