So my boyfriend of 3 years has this friend who I’ll call J. J has always kinda caused problems because she is the definition of “pick me”. To begin with I got on okay with her but I ended up having to establish boundaries after a couple of months because I didn’t like the way she acted around my bf (kissing his cheek, sitting on his lap, even sharing his bed once after a night out). He agreed to these boundaries, I never stopped him from seeing or being friends with her but I felt so uncomfortable with these specific things.
She didn’t like this though and has been cold and rude to me since, so I decided not to try be her friend and to just act civilly with her, even though she talks about me behind my back a lot.
Last year, my boyfriend joined the gym she works at and paid for 6 sessions with her as his PT. He told me he was considering it, I expressed my discomfort, yet he did it anyway because he had already paid her before he told me. When I found out, I blew up because I was hurt he would do this behind my back. He claimed it wasn’t behind my back because he said he was considering it but he apologised and cancelled the sessions even though he said I was overreacting.
Since then, things were good but today I hadn’t heard from him in a few hours. We both have a tracking app that both consented to and we use it mostly for safety and also so we can see when each other leaves work, gets home etc. I checked the app to see if he was home from work yet and saw he was in her neighbourhood. Its her birthday today and after a few messages asking where he is he said he’s at her house.
As I said, I’ve never tried to stop their friendship but I’m hurt that he hid this from me despite me asking him to be open and honest regarding her. I want to have a conversation with him about this but he’s mad at me now and giving me the silent treatment so I’m not sure what to do. I dont think I’m overreacting because this is something we have spoke about at length and he knows how I feel.
I should add as well that she has had a crush on him in the past, multiple people have told me this and said she’s got in-between him and his ex girlfriends. He thinks this is just rumours though but admits she has been rude to me.
TL;DR – Boyfriend has once again hung out with his friend that hates me behind my back despite us agreeing he would be open and tell me if he’s seeing her. Not sure how to have a conversation about this since he’s been dismissive and gets mad at me
Edit – formatting
20 comments
He’s obviously not planning on changing this behavior. When will enough be enough for you?
if he’s going to cheat, he’s going to cheat. You’re making her more interesting. Pick me is a dumb insult especially considering you think he might actually pick her.
He knows damn well she’s a sabotager. He needs to own up to the fact he likes the attention and the micro-cheating because she isn’t just a platonic friend. She’s a friend who wants more and is going to make sure everyone is aware she owns part of him. She does that shit to establish ownership and to scare you off. Time to put them both in their place. Hers is ex- friend and his is either boyfriend or ex, depending on what he chooses.
He needs to admit she’s not his friend. She’s a pick me who’s waiting, not patiently at all, for her turn and she’s using these little shows of domination to make it happen.
Did he cheat on the his exes with her? How did she get between them?
So she treats you poorly and talks bad about you behind your back and your boyfriend does nothing about it? Has he ever even tried to bridge the gap between you too?
Seems like he cares more about her feelings and friendship than your relationship.
I think you need to decide if he is actually worth all this trouble!
UpdateMe! Please.
He needs to take a stand. He is prioritizing her over you and your relationship.
he’s giving you the silent treatment? are you for real should be you giving him the silent treatment. his priorities are all wrong he values his friendship more then his relationship.
would he be ok with you hanging out with a guy that has a massive crush on you? would he be ok with you hanging out with a man that’s rude to him? would he be alright with this male causing you 2 problems? gonna be honest i don’t sit on my friends lap ever…… he knows she has a crush on him. and the fact he’s been hiding seeing her either more is going on or he knows he’s in the wrong?
I would put it all out on the table. You don’t like how she’s spread rumors about the ex’s in the past, and if he’s going to let the same happen to you, it might be time for him and you to break up. You never asked for him not to be friends with her, you asked for full disclosure of her and open communications. Now it’s starting to feel shady. I don’t think I could stay with someone who wouldn’t keep that communication open.
I’m going to be blunt as possible, they are fucking 100% I’ve seen all this behaviour before and the fact that it’s clear she’s been into him? That makes it even worse.
Don’t be stupid. Break up with that shithead. It’s already what you think it is.
he is planning to cheat
Would you like to be sad a little today or be devastated a lot later when you find out they’ve inevitably fucked. It’s not a matter of if, but when. She’s crossed boundaries and he allows it AND keeps breaking some more. Not boyfriend material.
No man should be friend with a girl that is disrespectful with his relationship and no woman is disrespectful when she truly care about their friends happiness. Women that dont have respect with their friends partners most of the time is because they have feeling for the friend. It doesn’t matter how the gf reacts towards you, you never do shit to ruin their relationship. That girl is a POS and your bf as well because he doesn’t care about you and is clear.
When my male bf got a gf it was clear who was becoming first and i didn’t have a problem with that, she didn’t like me at first and got jealous so i didn’t liked her either but i never did anything disrespectful towards her, I let my friend manage the situation and guess what? She ended up being my best friend too and a great one. But this because my friend gave eachother our place. Here sorry but he is showing you who is the most important and sadly is not you.
He’s has already shown you that your concerns and feelings on the situation are not one of his priorities. He CHOSE to ignore your messages, knowing you can track him. He CHOSE to put your feelings the ex girlfriends feelings all aside for his “friend.”
He can have friends but there has to be boundaries and respect on both sides. He is not respecting your boundaries and I’m sure he wouldn’t appreciate it if the actions were reversed with a male friend who has feelings for you.
You need to decide if you want to remain with someone who does not value your concerns and is unwilling to call out anyone’s BS if they disrespect you. His choosing to be deceitful shows me he does not respect or value you.
Know your worth! You are worth so much more then being an afterthought.
Okay I’m sorry but ain’t no way they don’t fuck. Kisses on the cheek as hello and goodbye that’s fine but wtf you mean she used to sit on his lap? What you mean they shared a bed after a night out? And everything after this just screams fwb. Save yourself the mental break down and leave his ass
Why are you with someone who is ignoring your feelings and doing things behind your back. No matter your ultimatum or boundaries he still breaks them. Do you like being ignored and upset? Leave him and you will be a lot happier.
I will never understand why people stay with their partners when their partners pick someone else over them repeatedly
You cannot control someone else’s behavior. However, you can control your own behavior. If your boyfriend’s behavior is a deal breaker, you have the power to make the decision to break up with him and move on with your life.
I wish you the best.
Why are you still with this guy? The way he’s acting is disrespectful to both you and the girl since he gives her just enough to keep her interested.
Updateme!
Girl. Dump his ass. I say this with mad love from one woman to another. You are being so sweet and nice about this – actually you’re reminding me of a few of my girlfriends. Lol so I’ll say to you what I say to them: sis. You deserve way better. Fuck what he SAYS. He is SHOWING YOU where he stands. So see him for who he is. And see yourself for who you are. Thank him for the journey but let the journey end.
Also, I just gotta say the first part of your post – like about her sitting on his lap, kissing his cheek – 😱🤯😲😡😡😡 – do not ever tolerate that shit from him or ANYONE ever again.