I haven’t had many partners, though I am someone who catches attention. Main reason being that I have a small waist and a butt. I quickly learned that I should own my sexuality instead of rejecting it because of men.
As someone who decided to embrace it and find empowerment in it I would dress a little daring and make videos that I guess could be categorized as “teases”. This taught me to be comfortable in my own skin especially after hating my body for so long because of the constant gazes of men. I would even do risqué shoot with some on my friends who attended art school. I never felt shame in my journey to self love and self healing till now.
I am currently with a man who hasn’t asked about my past. It’s always an uncomfortable subject because I do have self harm scars but it’s one I don’t minding having. Well, when we started following one another on instagram he decided to go through my page. In my tagged photos he found the risqué photos I had taken with friends. It made him uncomfortable. He explained that, now that I am his he doesn’t want anyone to see parts of me that shouldn’t be seen or for me to be thought of “in that way”. He said he understands that it’s an internal struggle and so he’ll work on it.
Though the moment something triggers him to think about my past he’s mad. We went to a comedy show where the comedian asked someone in the audience if they had been with a black man. Triggered. Now he’s in a sour mood, date ruined. I shared how sometimes talking about porn makes me feel shy and embarrassed. His response was “that doesn’t makes sense” and now he’s mad. Now I am feeling shame for doing something that helped heal me. I can’t help but feel like I’m seen as a sexy thing by him that’s super kinky. I’m not and now I’m a disappointment bc I don’t make sense.
I’m starting to wonder if he’ll use this against me. Will he get past this?! Or should I just share my past and let him decide from there if he truly likes me?
TLDR: boyfriend doesn’t want to know my past dating experience or past in general yet gets upset when something triggers him to think about it. Now I’m wondering if this is a red flag.
2 comments
Yeah, he’s being really shitty here. I personally also don’t like him referring to you as “his.” You don’t belong to anyone. If he feels uncomfortable with how you dress/photos/videos, he has the right to say “hey, I don’t think we’re right for each other” and move on, but he DOESN’T have the right to shame you, or ruin the evening because he can’t handle it. I’d nope right out of this if I were you; this is NOT likely to get better. 😬
>for me to be thought of “in that way”
He thinks of you in that way. Hate to tell you this, but it’s not likely he will ever get over it. I know it’s not a simple situation, but you would probably be happier with someone more open minded and willing to openly communicate about your past rather than sweeping it under the rug.