I’m at loss. I don’t know what to do. The back story is this. I moved to San Francisco 5 years ago, i moved up here by myself to a city I knew very little of. I had decided to move up here because I wanted to escape my home town, i wanted to finally live more freely and authentic to myself. I am gay and being back home I had to hide this from everyone because I knew that my family and friends were not going to be accepting. When moving up here I had no expectations of finding a relationship nor did I think I was ready to be in one quite yet. But then someone came in to my life that completely changed everything. On a random day I was on a hook up app and ended hooking up with this guy. It was pretty great and after we just laid and talk about me just moving and other stuff. Well anyhow, he left and I didn’t think much of it , nonetheless that I would be seeing him again.. well turns out I started to hook up with him more and talk more to him. I thought nothing much about it just thought it was nice to finally get to meet someone new and start a friendship, but I started realizing that the more I hung out with him i slowly started catching feelings. But then I found out that he actually was married, if I’m going to be honest, I was a bit sad because I felt like he started to share the same feelings, but I realized I was wrong. Eventually I stopped talking to him and continued to live my life. A year or two go by and I hadn’t thought much about him but then he added me on FB and we started to talk again. To be frank he actually helped me while I was in a very dark place and saved my life. As we continue to talk more we started to get more personal and closer, he was in Spain at the moment and we would talk nearly everyday. Eventually we both came to a big realization, that we both had feelings for each other and that we both told each other that we loved each other. Mind you for me this is a big deal because I have only love one other person in my life, but once they passed I felt so lost and unable to love. But then he can along and for the first time
In a long time I felt loved and seen. But I knew that the love I wanted I couldn’t have with him. Which made it so much more difficult to be around him and talk to him, so i decided to put up my walls but then he would do small things that made it so hard to not fall so much more in love with him. To this day, I hate the idea that what we have will never be more than what it’s is. I try so hard to move on but I can’t, I try to not talk to him so much but I hate the idea on not having him in my life. I know that we have to sneak around because of his husband and part me feels so guilty for that. I hate that I’m his secret but I have to realize that I can’t be more than that. But I don’t know how to stop loving him. I don’t know how to have the strength to stop seeing him because in the end, seeing him for the fractions of time is way better then not being in his life. . . All I can say is that I really want to try to move on but I can’t. But I also know that the longer I stay the more I’ll get hurt. . . So what do it do?