I don’t want to feel disappointed, but I still am and not sure how to feel ok about it. I’m 30F and my fiancé is 34M. We’re getting married next year. My parents and grandparents lives in another country and we’re going on a vacation for Christmas. I’m very excited to go.
My fiancé had family plans for Christmas and Christmas Eve so didn’t book so I was ok with that. However, his parents are leaving the day after Christmas. His brother told him to go. The family event that he has Christmas Eve got canceled and he wants to go on the vacation. However, his family is guilting him to stay home for Christmas and said how they booked their trip to be with him for Christmas and how his brother will be there too.
I leave Christmas Eve. His family leaves the day after Christmas, yet they’re guilting him into staying a whole week with nobody there for the one day of Christmas.
It makes me mad that his parents are being like this. If they were home it’s one thing, but they won’t be there. He (says) he wants to go.
I think it’s easier for me to believe he just doesn’t want to to because I’m pissed.
TLDR: I’m mad that I’m marrying into this type of guilting family. How can I get over it? Also, am I going to have to spend every Christmas with his parents going forward? Because that’s not going to happen. I like to travel for Christmas because I have time off. I’m not falling for family guilt
13 comments
So Christmas is Sunday. You’re saying your trip is for the week after Sunday the 25th, and he’ll just be alone by himself for that week?
Your problem isn’t with his family.
Your problem is with how he manages them.
If you are disappointed with his choices, talk to him about that. Don’t pretend it’s all his parent’s fault. He’s 34. He really should have skills and experience dealing with their behavior by this point in his life.
Why are you blaming his parents when HE is the one who hasn’t established boundaries with them?
I don’t understand this at all.
You invited him to your vacation but he said no, because he was spending Christmas with his family instead. So you went booked the vacation without him.
Then the thing he was doing on Christmas Eve with his family gets cancelled, so he is still spending Christmas Day with them, and now he’s being guilt tripped into… what, exactly? Why does his family care about where *he* is on the days after Christmas when they’re not going to be with him regardless? And what does any of this have to do with the vacation you’re taking? Am I missing something here?
Is there any reason he can’t join you mid-trip? Is it a cruise or something where that’s not possible?
The family is not making his decisions, he is. He has options.
Just go then, stop blaming parents for his choice.
I would take his words seriously and just drop the issue. He clearly won’t change his mind. Go have fun on your cruise, him sitting this one out isn’t the end of the world, though it might hurt your feelings. Plus getting him tickets for said cruise would be so expensive now.
If he really wanted to go, he’d book a flight the day after Christmas just as his parents did telling them that if it matters so much to them, THEY’D STAY HOME TOO!
An “every other year” compromise would seem to be in order. Also, make ALL family that matters on both sides understand this arrangement. For this next part H = Husband, W = Wife.
“Hey everyone, this year family H is doing blah, blah, blah and all the so and so’s will be there.” Response: “Cool, send us pics while we are at family W as it’s our year to be there, cheers.”
Why?
He told you he couldn’t make it. You are only responsible for your reactions and responses.
Why allow this to throw you into a tailspin? It’s one holiday. Step back watch how he chooses to deal with HIS FAMILIES conflict. Make a solid plan for your holidays in the future as a couple.
Go unencumbered on your trip free from stress and worry and have a great time. Other people’s lack of organization and planning is not your emergency.
You don’t owe anyone any emotional labor. His consequences aren’t your consequences.
Go have a great time.
Unpopular opinion, but this is his last “single” holiday before you will be there for hopefully all of them, let him make his own choices on this. Obviously if you are like “I’m so annoyed that your family is guilt tripping you” he’s going to be like “yeah me too” even if he doesn’t agree with you. In a sense, you are guilt tripping him to ditch his family. It’s up to him whether a day with them is more important than the trip with you.
Before you get married you absolutely need to get premarital counseling to iron out how the families will be handled going forward, or this will just keep happening.