Background
Me (30F)/ R (35M)
Back in April I met a guy that was new to my city. He had just ended a relationship with someone whom he dated for close to two years. From date number one I told him that I was looking for a serious relationship that would eventually lead to marriage and possibly kids (still undecided- I have a child from a previous relationship). He said he was on the same page so we continued to see each other and became exclusive in June.
Fast forward to August, R got fired from his job. He luckily was in the process of interviewing for a new company, but it put some stress on the relationship. Accompanied with that, I was having some issues with family and my health, which resulted in a two night stay in the hospital. Things were shit, but we both were incredibly supportive of each other.
Towards the end of the month though, I found some messages of him trying to hook up with another woman (K 32F). He said it was because he was incredibly drunk and because it may had been because he needed an ego boost. We discussed things for about a week and we decided to give it another shot just because we were both fairly invested at that point.
R’s ex from his original city has been a problem since the beginning of our relationship. She was consistently texting him and sending him house listings of our area. I saw the messages of him basically just not responding and she eventually stopped.
Current issue: I’m still obviously not over him trying to bang some other woman. I’m also exhausted from his ex randomly popping up. He talked with his sister and according to her, her opinion was “shame on you for cheating, but that M (me) is insecure”. Now I’m completely turned off of the entire relationship and wondering if I should just end things and cut any losses.
44 comments
Uhh, not the be that person, but are you sure the ex is actually an ex and not the long distance gf?
How would I handle it? I’d move on. I don’t have the patience for that kind of drama any more. It sounds like he tried to justify cheating? Is that true? And your last line, about being completely turned off? That’s a sign. Sounds like you probably don’t really trust him anymore, either. That’s a tough thing to rebuild.
A good question to ask is, does the relationship with this man add to your life in a net positive way? Maybe you have to give up some stuff, but is there enough added to your life that you consider him being in it a positive addition? Or is him being in your life taking away from it? If it’s taking away from it, figure out exactly what you need, express it, and if he can’t provide, it’s time to move on. It is, after all, your life. You aren’t obligated to remain in an unhealthy relationship with someone who is unable and/or unwilling to meet your relationship needs. Up to you to decide if those needs are reasonable (sometimes they aren’t), but there is no obligation to force something that isn’t working for you.
He’s cheated on you with *at least one other woman*.
I’d bounce.
Do me a favor and read that from the point of view of your friend or family member telling you that story. What would you tell them?
It’s 8 months into this relationship and he’s already tried to cheat on you. This is supposed to be the *easy* period of the relationship. It doesn’t really matter the why. Being drunk is a bad excuse as is needing validation. If anything the lot make it worse because that’s not something that’s just going to go away.
You deserve better and can do better OP. Sorry you’re going through this
He was in rebound territory from day one. Then he did you the favor of showing you that he was not right for you by _trying to cheat on you_. What more could you ask for?
I’m going to need to back up and get some details here. How did you “come across” the original messages, and then come across, unrelatedly, all the texts his ex sends and doesn’t respond to?
I think there’s two problems here. One, he’s immature and probably has the cheater’s personality, which does not resolve itself if the person doesn’t care enough to resolve it.
But the other problem is that I don’t disagree that you’re insecure if you’re going through his messages. His sin is the greater one, but plenty of relationships would end over this alone.
Granted you could’ve observed texts over his shoulder but considering you seem to often observe the questionable ones, you either have *impeccable* timing, you’re looking over his shoulder at his texts a lot which is still invasive since it’s outside the bounds of a normal accidental read, or he’s really attempting like 10 hookups and you just happened to see one of them.
> I’m still obviously not over him trying to bang some other woman.
>
>He talked with his sister and according to her, her opinion was “shame on you for cheating, but that M (me) is insecure”.
The cheating incident took place months ago. Do you really think more time will help? I’d just cut my losses now because the relationship is no longer built on trust. Also, why would she call you insecure after he tried to cheat? Who could feel secure in a relationship after that?
Leave
Rookie move. Never EVER try to start a serious relationship with someone who literally just got out of a long term relationship. If the break up is within 6 months (maybe longer if the relationship was a few yrs long), it will not end well.
He’s a cheater, dump him and move on.
I mean the trust is already broken. This early on in the relationship and he’s cheated on you? I would leave.
Only you know what you willing to deal with, I hope you have boundaries. If you insecure about something he did then crossed the line.
Did he actually hook up with that woman, or did it lead to nothing? Regardless, it’s bad. Even if he didn’t hook up with her what’s to stop him from trying again and succeeding the next time he needs an ego boost? He was just out of a long term relationship when he met you. He probably shouldn’t have been dating at all as he was most likely not over his ex.
I’d move on.
I wouldn’t.
I’d also dig into what he’s done since his cheating incident to dig into his alcohol problem and desire to cheat.
Has he pursued therapy, group therapy, hospitalization, examined his views on monogamy vs. non-monogamy, meditation, journaling, etc.
An unexamined life guarantees he will cheat again and again.
Once I’ve been turned off from a relationship, I can’t come back from it. I would walk. It’s too early on for that kind of drama.
I 100% would leave. Easier said than done of course.
Honestly OP, what do you want? You already said you are turned off, so regardless of what anyone says, that feeling isn’t going to go away, and I’m assuming you are a grown person who gets that. Cut the BS, don’t karma farm, and stop trying to have people rub your butt. You are a parent, grow up and move the hell on. Additionally, showing your child that cheating is fine, is ridiculous and going online for others to tell you are fine in that is even more ridiculous
The fact that he’s “ignoring” his ex without outright explaining to her that he’s in a relationship is telling. She’s on the back burner because if things go south with you, he has someone to go back to. Same thing with the other woman. He was setting up Plan B. Telling you that it was an ego boost was his way of letting you know that he doesn’t value you, and he doesn’t want to work on the relationship. He told you what his sister said because he’s trying to make you seem like the bad guy in all of this. You are not insecure by default, but his actions and words are undermining your self-esteem. You have every reason to believe that he’s not emotionally mature enough for a relationship.
I would move on. After 4 months, he gets drunk enough or needs an ego boost, so he turns to other women? Hell no. You’re always going to have this in the back of your mind. And he’s getting his sister involved, and she’s saying you’re insecure? This should be between the two of you.
Please, for your own happiness, cut your losses now and be glad he didn’t waste any more of your time!
There is no trust in your relationship, therefore the relationship is already gone
So next time you’re sick or he’s “struggling” he’s gonna try to cheat again
Cheated while in a committed relationship. End it before you get burnt.
He was trying to hook up with someone only 2 months after you were exclusive?? Yeah, I would be upset too. It’s only going to be a matter of time before he does it again.
I just cut my losses and leave. His family doesn’t seem too fond of you and you don’t need that in your life. Sorry you had to go through this though.
Find a way to say goodbye. You deserve better.
“I’m not over him trying to cheat” “I’m exhausted” and “now I’m completely turned off” – I’d cut my losses. That’s three major negatives that are hard to come back from.
Did you actually hear the sister say that what he told you she said? I feel like he’s just making that up to make you feel bad about the situation.
You said you’re not over him trying to hook up with someone else and the ex thing is incredibly suspicious. Don’t force yourself when it comes to your own feelings. Your heart and mind has already decided this ain’t worth it. Move on from that because he’s causing unneeded stress.
Some people want monogamy, some people don’t. It seems like he doesn’t want monogamy.
Immediately next this guy.
Look, I am not sure I would even bother with a guy with these issues so early in the relationship. Evdm one of those things would be a deal breaker.
His ex still texts him? He allows her to be in his life. Even if he doesn’t respond, he does nothing to stop it. Is that the ego talking? What happens when it’s not enough?
He gets so drunk he flrits with the idea of having sex with someone else? If he drinks so much he can’t control himself, what happens next time?
People have to earn your respect. They don’t start with points to lose, they need to show that they deserve to get your time in the first place.
🚩 🏃♀️
The ex won’t go away. She’ll always keep popping up. Being drunk isn’t an excuse to try and hook up with another woman when you’re with someone. Total disrespect, the ex and trying to hook up! Leave it leave it!
You *are* insecure because *he tried cheating on you*. Instead of assuring you of his intentions he’s trying to call out your behavior? This is very toxic and I can’t see anything good come out of it.
I bet things are similar with this “ex” of his. I’ve had clingy exes and been a clingy ex and of all the things to cling on, house listings is not it – that shows some sort of investment and ongoing relationship.
TL;DR – You’re right to not trust him and take your insecurity as him bringing an unpleasant side of you. Deserve better.
Please end things asap! You don’t want to marry him or into his crazy family. It will end in a miserable marriage if this is how it starts. He’s repulsive with his excuses! 😂
If his ex is harassing him, then I encourage you to tell him to tell his ex to stop contacting (in writing). If she continues, then call the police cuz that’s a potential criminal act.
However, the whole texting an ex to hook-up thing skeeves me out. That would be a legitimate red flag for me.
Why are you staying? What is it about this man that is worth overlooking his infidelity and his ex still texting him? Genuinely curious.
Did you let him meet your kid? If so, HUGE mistake. Wait a year. Trust me. I’m older than you and divorced and have been through this. No matter how well it seems to be going, wait a year. First of all, you can better make sure the person isn’t a predator out to groom your child (number one predator is a boyfriend of the mom/stepdad). Second of all, you will not entangle the poor child’s emotions. I know it seems rigid, but please heed this very important rule which all parents should follow if you don’t already. I had this incredible relationship. We were seemingly perfect together. Almost no issues. Great fit. Ended after 8 months. I am very glad I didn’t involve my daughter.
As far as the issue at hand, I am not usually one to say dump the person (advice far too easily and often given on reddit), but this seems pretty obvious to me. If you really don’t want to dump him, I suggest a break and couple’s therapy. See how he responds. If he chooses to sleep with other women instead of work on it and focus on you, don’t get back with him. I think dumping him is better than testing him/working on it, but I’m all about harm reduction, so I think you need another option if you decide not to dump him.
“I’m turned off of the entire relationship” is a totally valid reason to exit the relationship.
Sometimes couples hit what should be a deal breaker (like an attempt to cheat) and decide they’re willing to work through the issue rather than split.
That’s a valid choice, but you can end up in this situation where you later realize you CAN’T work through the issue, and you’re now unhappy in the relationship but you feel you’re “not allowed” to break up now because you agreed to work through things.
It feels like going back on your agreement or trying someone for the same crime twice or something.
Worse, because you’ve already decided to work past such a glaring red flag, you can feel like you’re “not allowed” to break up for more “minor” reasons like you’re feelings of unhappiness or being exhausted by the drama.
But an agreement to work past a red flag ISN’T a binding contract. Deciding to break up with someone ISN’T a miscarriage of the justice system. And your unhappiness doesn’t need to reach some official threshold of “bad enough” before you’re justified in leaving.
Feel free to yeet this guy – and all of the associated drama – out of your life.
INFO: has he told his ex girlfriend “we are not together anymore and I would appreciate if you would stop sending me house listings as I am in another relationship and this is not appropriate” also, if he doesn’t like it and she won’t stop, he can block her. The fact that he tried to already cheat on you though… I’d be out.
It sounds like this has soured the relationship for you, as you are saying you’re now turned off of it. So with that in mind, it does sound like it’s best for you to cut your losses and walk away. Theres a looming question and doubt surrounding his reasoning that he cheated because he needed an ego boost. Shit happens in life, what about the next time life presents challenges for him that deflate his ego? If thats his go-to, then he has some growing and personal reflection to do before he should even be in a relationship. It’s going to be very very challenging to rebuild that trust, that’s a lot to sign on for a dude you haven’t dated that long (under a year is my understanding from the post) *especially* if his ex is still a crux in your side.
This whole relationship is a red flag 🚩 it was a red flag from the start.
> Towards the end of the month though, I found some messages of him trying to hook up with another woman (K 32F). He said it was because he was incredibly drunk and because it may had been because he needed an ego boost.
He’s too old to be pulling this shit and you’re too old to be putting up with it.
You’re not married.
Bounce.
No job, sleeps around, what’s not to like here?