I 32 F and Husband 33 M have been together for 8 years. We have always done anal play with me and both enjoy it but he’s never wanted me to perform anal activities on him, set a clear boundary early on that it’s not what he wanted. I am very sexually liberated and we do have a wild sex life that we both enjoy. However the past 3 months Husband had been making physically indications he wanted me to explore down there without actually verbalising it. Now I know how hard it can be for a man to say they like anal or anal play so I’ve not said anything and just gone from his moans, body language however consent is so far grained into me it’s on my mind a lot. I have only been playing around the outside area, licking sucking rubbing spitting etc. last night after sex I said straight up we had to talk about it, what is his boundaries does he want me to stay on the outside, does he want just my finger, toy etc. he said he didn’t know and will tell me when to stop. This isn’t the way I like to do things but I also don’t want to make him uncomfortable by listing every single thing he does and doesn’t want me to do.
I would love some advice on how I can ease into anal penetration / play with him that isn’t taking it to far and will make him comfortable and feel safe.
I also would love tips on how I can tell him I enjoy giving a rim job but not receiving without making him feel like he shouldn’t enjoy it.
TIA
11 comments
Clear communication is a definitely need imo. I wouldn’t go further if this was me and my partner. Unless specifically communicated verbally, outside of playtime, nothing more would happen in regards to anal play. That’s just me though. If he’s not able to be mature and talk about it, then he doesn’t get to do it with me.
> he said he didn’t know and will tell me when to stop
I understand that you’d prefer to have *prior* knowledges on his limits but if he’s able to tell you “when to stop” then at least he is giving you some form of useful feedback. Again, I get that you don’t want to necessarily have to stop and get consent at every step of the way but if you’re exploring something new-ish then I think you husband is still giving you a way to work with him *at this stage*. He’s trying to figure out what he likes and is comfortable with and it sounds like he needs to experience things first to figure that out.
>how I can tell him I enjoy giving a rim job
Why can’t you say that? “Hey hubby: I’d *love* to give you a rim job. If you want me to stop during any point, I will, but can I at least try?”
I mean, that sounds super reasonable to me (but I’m also not your husband).
Sounds like he is still coming to terms with enjoying it. I completely understand wanting clear boundaries. But this is new to him, so he doesn’t know what the boundaries are. Take things slow. Play outside and slowly work your way inside. If he tells you no, then stop and go back to what seemed to feel good.
As far as how to tell him that you are not interested in receiving, it sounds like you have a decent level of communication with him. Talk to him, if you can say why it doesn’t feel good, then tell him. If you are not sure, just say I’m not interested in that but I would really like for you to do this.
This one is easy. You’re already down there doing things “around it”. Next time, get that (lubed) finger right on the hole and press just enough where it’s about to go in – and then ask him. “Babe, how about I push this finger in and rock your world”. If he’s ready, he says yes.
Sometimes when people are embarrassed/ashamed to actually say the words out loud, it can help to have some kind of non-verbal (or differently verbal) communication tool, such as:
* stoplight safeword system: you ask “What color are you right now?” and he says green for “good, keep going,” yellow for “slow down/check in,” and red for “stop immediately” (he can also just say these words unprompted at any time if need be)
* certain hand signals or areas to touch on your body, etc. mean certain things, e.g. slow down or continue
* numerical scales, e.g. “my finger is about 40% inside you right now, how far do you want me to go next?” or “how much pressure does that feel like, from 1 to 10, and how much pressure would you like?”
What’s anal?
If he’s never done anything anally, he doesn’t know what boundaries to set or know what he likes. He’s already given you consent to play around down there. Experiment slowly and have him tell you how it feels and if he’s enjoying it.
A girlfriend of mine lured me into anal play by telling me how horny it makes her to finger my asshole. So I, as a gentleman of a boyfriend, I let her do that. You can try it
Its a communication issue. Solve that and you relationship and sexual relationship will flourish. Its about recognition of why we feel shame or guilt or self conscious and then throwing it to the kerb. We cant blame our upbringing forever. Eventually we need to own that stuff, recognize its bad, chuck it in the bin and move on in control of our own life.
He’s pushing his boundaries. What about you do the same thing and listening to his body language even though you like to verbalise things. He has already said he will tell you when to stop. Trust him.
It can be incredibly difficult for men to talk about our butts. We’re taught our entire lives that it’s shameful and we’re not real men if we like it.
If he’s saying “I’ll tell you when to stop” that sounds like his way of saying he’s willing to experiment without actually having to say the words out loud that he’s embarrassed to say. You don’t have to go straight to pegging or anything, just take things slow and trust that he really will tell you if he wants you to stop.
Edit: I read your post to my wife and she said it sounds like he’s interested but is basically saying “please don’t make me say the words.”