Hey everyone!
My wife and I have been together for 4 years and we got the discussion of kids done pretty early on in our relationship. I wanted to make sure I wasn’t wasting my time and such. We ultimately agreed on about two kids or so.
Well, now, she’s gone a 180 and just keeps coming up with things like “my coworker always complains about her kids. One of them peed in a Cheeto bag!” or “what if they’re autistic and I can’t handle it?” That was the newest one.
She also says that her coworkers husband doesn’t take care of them even though he wanted them and then it seems like she’s playing that card against me. I feel a little judged there. But she also says that she knows I’ll be a good father because despite our parrot being annoying and aggressive I still take care of it and eventually calm him down. She says our bird and dog are all we need but I know that it’s not enough for me.
Every time the discussion comes up, she either gets defensive or says we’re not ready and wants to have fun for a while. I’m 29 and she’s 30 so we’re kinda running out of time.
Part of me understands because I’m still in my PhD program. I’m hopefully getting out in 6 months or so and will be making much more money. You could argue either of us make enough to sustain both of us and a child at the moment but I don’t want to miss out on one of life’s greatest opportunities. I’m so frustrated with this. It’s like the conversation always gets put on the back burner.
I thought about bringing therapy up for it but not sure how it’ll go over.
Also for context, we get along very well in almost every other aspect of life. Also, she works with kids at work who are very aggressive and rude. I don’t want to say “well you’re around some stupid ass kids so that’s impacting your decision.” She calls them stupid asses so it’s not just me.
Any help would be appreciated
50 comments
I’d ask her flat outvif she wants kids yes or no. If she yes yes pick a start date. If she says no you have a decision to make.
And no you guys are not running out of time.
I guess you need to figure out if she wants to wait or if she doesn’t want any at all. You guys need to have this conversation so you just need to go to her on a calm night, sit her down, and just straight up ask her if she still wants children in the future.
If she just wants to wait then I think it would be fair for you to give her some time. She will be the one going through a whole pregnancy and labor so she should be 100% ready.
Flat out ask if she wants kids. It’s a yes or no question.
Then go from there.
If she wants kids but wants to wait, fine. Both of you go get testing done to make sure everything is good and then you can put a timeline and a date on it at that point.
If she says no, see for yourself if it’s a dealbreaker
You are not running out of time anytime soon. Finish your PhD, get a job, work for while, try to make enough money for the baby, have fun and go on vacations and then have a baby.
Important: all this IF she wants kids at all. You should discuss this again. But if you keep pressuring her about this topic because „you are running out of time“ when she doesn’t want kids right now, you can be 100% sure there won’t be any kids.
Is there any possibility she’s feeling overwhelmed by how much time your PHD program is taking? Obviously, you’re the one it’s taxing the most, but my husband and I went through something similar so I’m wondering.
My husband had a huge project that meant I barely got to see him for and extended period of time, and I started seriously questioning if I wanted kids. I was already feeling ignored and I couldn’t bear the idea of splitting his time even more *and* being the only one around for the kid the majority of the time. My husband reminded me that it was a temporary situation with an end date and promised it wouldn’t be a regular thing (it wasn’t something that would be, but him spelling that out helped). Once it was done and we started spending time together again, I went back to wanting kids.
I know it should have been obvious that it was a temporary situation and I was very supportive of his project from the very beginning. But when you’re going through it, it can really cloud your thinking. I have no idea if this could be the reason, but it might be worth asking your wife and talking through how the future will look different than the present.
On the other hand, maybe she has changed her mind. Whatever happens, I wish you the best of luck with these hard conversations.
Why are you even THINKING about kids when you are still in a PhD program? It’s one thing if you already had the kids then decided to do an advanced degree but this is nuts.
She rightly wants to enjoy a few years ALONE with you and your higher income. She has undoubtedly financially supported you while you were doing your degrees and by God she wants a return on her investment and has no interest in seeing that return pissed away on kids that are born a week after you get your higher paying job the PhD gets you.
We read so much about husbands who get these advanced degrees while their wives sacrifice for years eating Top Ramen and driving old cars then 6 months after the husband graduates with his degree and starts pulling in the big bucks, he tosses the wife aside like a used prophylactic and gets himself some younger sexier airhead model. It amazes me there’s still women like your wife willing to take risks on people like you.
Is that your goal? Because if it is tell her now she deserves better than you. That is a dick goal and you are one if that’s where your head is at.
Give her her few years of fun you owe her that. If after a few years she’s still not interested THEN you can trade her in for the bubble headed bleached blonde and impregnate her.
I get being nervous about kids. I always wanted kids, but I put it off for as long as I could (though now wish I had then sooner).
I also know a biological clock ticking away is not just a female thing. Men can feel similar feelings. I know I did.
This is certainly worth a deep discussion to address her fears amd figure out if this is just a now not or a not ever situation.
I understand where you are coming from but when it comes to kids you don’t compromise either you want them or you don’t and neither is wrong, but you have to sit your wife down and ask her flat out and be honest if this is a deal breaker than say so and decide how you will move forward.
Yeah, I am not sure I would want kids in the specific situation of my partner being in a PhD program. I imagine a lot of the parenting and chores would fall to her.
29 and 30 is hardly pushing it. Had my babies at 36 and 38, got pregnant straight away, easy pregnancies, you never know how your fertility is until you start trying. In any case, there is no point in trying unless you (pl) are ready. As your wife has to go through the pregnancy and birth, it is understandable that she may have more hesitancy than you. You do need to know if she doesn’t want kids at all, but if she is just anxious, you just need to be supportive.
Cool your jets. Finish your Ph.D., get your job and *then* start looking ahead.
Could she possibly be worried that all of the child responsibilities will fall on her so then she will have to work all day with stressful children and then come home to her own child? That sounds physically and mentally exhausting, honestly.
Maybe revisit after you’ve finished your program. Get a feel for how life would be with your new work hours.
I’ve always wanted kids. Even worked in education at all levels pretty much. But I still was shaking and terrified when my test came up positive. I was scared of how our relationship would change. It has more challenges but it’s also deeper and in some ways more fun. We both continue to truly enjoy spending time together as a little family.
Peeing in a Cheeto bag while gross…when it’s your kid it’s just one of those kinda funny things you deal with. I get really grossed out by bodily fluids but when it comes to my son I don’t really care. Can tell you how many times I’ve picked his boogers and ear wax with my fingers. I gotta wash my hands immediately but I don’t even think about it. I couldn’t imagine myself doing that before.
Having kids is a scary prospect if you let yourself really marinate on it but it can also be incredible. But—Money is important here. Not just cover bills but to have some extra fun money. Y’all’s mental health depends on it.
Damn. If you are doing PHD then YOU have no time for a child. Really. It is like taking a dog while you have 80% travelling job. Like WHO will take care of a kid? You are not gonna. Make sure first that you have proper amount of time to handle a baby and then try to talk her into it. Now she knows. You are gonna have PHd and she is going to have a kid. Not a nice bargain…
The two specific objections you named in the second paragraph seem like they’re not about money at all. Taken at face value, her objections seem more like they’re about the workload and the kid’s behavior. She is wondering: who is going to have to deal with the pee-filled Cheeto bag? Who will handle the behavioral problems if there are any?
I can only imagine you are busy as all hell with your PhD program, and that is understandable. But it’s also understandable to want to see what your lives look like once it’s over, to see where kids could fit in and who might be doing what.
Either she’s truly struggling and reconsidering having kids. Or she’s just freaked out by the things she’s being told by her co-workers and the thing she’s seeing with the kids at her job. Which is pretty normal. All it takes is one kid throwing a tantrum in a store for me to think, nope, glad I don’t have to deal with that!
You both have plenty of time, she’s only 30. I think putting any extra pressure on the topic may make it worse. As someone who once wanted children, you can both desire them but still be entirely freaked out when it’s time to make it happen. There’s so much that could go wrong, it’s a lot of responsibility, so many changes to your body as a woman, to your entire life. Not to mention most of us have spent many years, decades even, trying to avoid getting pregnant. It was seen as like, damn near the worst thing that could happen. I think that is heavily instilled in a lot of women. I’m in my mid 30s and the fact that women get pregnant on purpose still blows my mind lol.
She doesn’t want kids. And even if you convince her she will end up being miserable and resent both you and the kid. Don’t bring a child into this world with a partner who doesn’t want 100% to have them too. You are losing your time. Find a partner who is like minded and dream of a loving family to build the way you do. Good luck
Question OP… Looking back on your discussions about having children early in your relationship, did she show hesitance then? Was she in the same job then?
It’s very possible that her child-facing job is weighing heavily on her decision right now. It’s also possible, and maybe even probable, that she’s decided she likes being child-free on the evenings and weekends.
As a former teacher, I can tell you that being around other people’s children all day made parenting a chore when I got home. I love my girls but I was exhausted and didn’t have the bandwidth when the day was done. My husband and I talked and I ended up changing careers because being a parent was more important. That’s not always an option. If she’s feeling that now, it may only get worse with the addition of a newborn.
This may be a breaking point for the two of you. I don’t know that therapy will help. The last thing you want is to resent your wife for not having children or, and even worse, for her to resent you and the child(ren) if she had them.
You have 2 questions to ask 1) does she want kids and in fairness theres no guarantee you will have them.
2) if she answers no is it a deal breaker for you Will you feel in 10 years that you wish to have had kids the second is on you.
Its a shite state to be put in but only you and your wife can answer the questions. Good luck stay strong and hopefully you will get the answers you want
Stop freaking out- it’s just adding to the stress. Finish your PHD then revisit the subject after. Priorities are the key to success.
Sit down with yourself and try to logistically outline what scheduling will actually look like during pregnancy and child rearing while you’re still in pursuit of an advanced degree and trying to start your career. What burdens will fall on whom, and when, and for how long? What will the balance of things actually look like?
There is a chance that your wife is terrified to have kids right now because the timing is truly terrible. If that’s the case, this can be worked out. You have time. If it turns out that she doesn’t *ever* want them, *then* you’ll have some tough decisions to make.
Brother, I am SO sorry!
This is one of the hardest differences to deal with in a marriage. You may feel betrayed around her change (around the desire to have kids), it is a type of loss that may take you a while to process. That is ok. Take the time you need and process it.
You are both valid in your feelings and thoughts. Both spouses are allowed to be “you” and to have differences. This is just a really hard difference. You can’t compromise and just have 1/2 a child, and you can’t compromise where YOU have 1 whole child and she has 0 children. It is just HARD.
I would focus on each of you being heard, understood and validated, while simultaneously being on different pages around children. She MIGHT change her mind again, but she might not – no one can say. But finding a way to keep your emotional connection strong around this difference is the best hope you have of a happy future together (with children or without).
The worse thing you can do is to stay married, while also allowing this loss to erode your connection, leading to anger and resentment and bitterness that robs the marriage of the happiness you could have otherwise had.
Best wishes to both of you
I told my husband flat out that if he didn’t want kids that I didn’t want to waste my time. I’ve know him my whole life. This was in the dating and talking phase. Sit her down and let her know that if this is something she don’t want then you have to rethink the relationship as to tio ready to have kids. Because you don’t want to make her feel like your forcing her to. But you also don’t want to be stuck in a relationship that isn’t going to complete you.
Like others said, a serious discussion about whether or not she actually wants kids.
And understand there is absolutely *no* compromise on this.
If she doesn’t want any you can’t compromise and “just have one.” It won’t work.
If you both want different things then you need to make the smart decision and separate because *one of you* will become resentful of the other. Her for having a kid she didn’t want or you not having a kid you did want. There are no compromises on something like this.
And if you hang on and wait for her to “change her mind” then you are wasting both your time. Kids are a big commitment, and even in today’s society women are still the ones who have to give everything up to have them. She goes through the pregnancy, she has to take time off work, she has to go through a minimum of 6 months to heal, and she is the one who is pressured to cut back in her career to take care of the children.
And that trope that women “can have it all” by being a mother and having a career is complete bullshit. You can’t give 100% to two things. Neither of you can. You would both have to take a hit on your respective careers for you both to successfully navigate working and having kids. And she probably sees how even in today’s world the women are the main ones taking the hit.
I’m sure I’ll get downvoted but As a mom to a kid with autism, her worry on being able to handle it is valid.
I love my kid more than life but it’s definitely mentally and emotionally exhausting at times having a special needs kid who may never fully launch as an adult. Caregiver fatigue is real.
Instead of dismissing her concerns, try having an open, vulnerable conversations about it. Maybe she’s just scared/anxious and needs reassurance and to hear a plan on how you would handle a special needs kiddo as a team. Whether you personally would be an active parent is sort of moot since society puts the expectations on women being the default caregiver. Your wife may be struggling with that unconscious bias when she envisions her worst case outcomes. She may just need reassurances that you will work together as a team providing care.
Give her space…
People will and are allowed to change their mind. If you are ready though and she is not, better to make a decision either way now and move from there. The worst would be regretting down the road.
Do you do at least your 50% of domestic duties? It’s possible that her coworkers shitty husbands are making her nervous.
If she’s the bread winner she probably doesn’t want to be the sole income AND the default parent AND the main person managing/organizing the household and cooking/cleaning.
Have a PLAN on what your kids sick days will look like. Reassure her that when the kid is born YOU will be scheduling dr appointments and dentist appointments etc for the first 10 years. Plus buying gifts for every friends birthday until they’re, what? 12?
There’s a lot to being a parent that women get pigeon holed into doing besides the pregnancy and birth. If this is something you want you need to prove to her that you’ll be doing it (and not just the night time diaper changes for the baby – I’m talking the next 15 years).
You’re definitely not running out of time biologically, but if you agreed on both wanting children and now she doesn’t, there isn’t really a middle ground there.
Maybe counseling would work to address any irrational or impractical fears she has about the pregnancy/ birth / rearing process, but if she just *doesn’t* want any crotch goblins, there’s only 1 thing you can do.
I agree with everyone else about asking her whether she wants to still have children or not.
If yes then discuss a time line. At 29/30 you two aren’t running out of time. At the same time, it would be unfair for her to rush into pregnancy during your PhD studies. Kids (even the good ones) are tough when they’re in babies and toddler stages. If she feels that you’re unavailable most of the time now then she probably worries you’ll be unavailable when the baby is young.
She could have told you one thing, hoping you would change your mind. Or maybe she is having cold feet. But in any case, you 2 aren’t compatible. Please don’t convince her to have kids. Just divorce and move on.
I would say suggest MC with her regarding your issue with children. If she refuses to go and work on the issue, then you will need to re-evaluate your relationship. You don’t want her to have kids and end up resenting you and them. If she simply doesn’t want to have kids anymore, then you guys just need to separate. Doesn’t matter how much you guys get along. If you guys want different things that are not aligned with each other, it’s better to split now amicably than down the line.
I remember one redditor actually regretting having her daughter and resented her. Ended up with her getting a divorced from the father and giving up custody to the father which will scar the child.
If kids are a deal breaker and she changed her mind, it’s a painful situation, but pretty easy to navigate.
How do you make enough to sustain a family of 3 while in school for PhD? This sounds unrealistic.
Sounds like she’s being super scared of kids. Not surprising though. Kids are terrifying. My 10 mo old is both the best and worst thing that has ever happened to me. Worst because I have gone days/weeks on severe sleep deprivation. And sleep deprivation is LITERALLYYYYY torture. But I have never knew what love was before my kid. I thought i did. But it fails in comparison to my love for my baby.
If she wouldn’t struggle now to get pregnant, there are high chances she won’t struggle later. The chances of an autistic child go from .02% to .04% at 35 and a lot of data we have is incredibly outdated. You have plenty of time for two children. I wouldn’t force the issue or you’ll make her more firm in her beliefs. If she truly changed her mind, you have to decide if you want to stay or not. If it’s not acceptable, it’s not acceptable. But you also may find you can’t have children. You might meet another woman with fertility issues. Having kids isn’t just a decision you make. There is a lot more to it than that. You’re not even out of your PhD. Slow down. You’re getting ahead of yourself.
You’re not running out of time. I had my baby at 36 and will have my second at 39.
Aside from that, try to have a calm chat and be curious- what stresses her out? Why? You need to find the disconnect. Good luck!
You need to ask her. And tell her how you agreed upon having two kids. Maybe one kid will be the compromise now.
Also, for those saying you have time yeah you technically do but what if you don’t want to be an older parent?? What if you wanted kids before 35? There’s nothing wrong with wanting them before you get older, so you are not really old as the kids get older.
I think she is scared that all of the child responsibilities will fall on her. I mean it’s normal in our society. A child is hard work and a lifetime responsibility. Do you think you would be able to raise them alone if something happens? I think everyone should ask themselves this question if they try for a kid. Because if you’re not able to do that then it’s not a good idea.
You need to sit down with her and talk with her if she wants children and if she is not sure ask her what she worries about. Think about how you would split the duties for a child. I saw posts where they wanted to divorce because the husband wouldn’t help her enough or at all. Sometimes the husband is more than a fun uncle than a parent. Many woman are scared of that.
You two need to properly communicate about this.
Holy shit your running out of time at 29? I’m 32 and only have one newborn. Hope I’m not too late
Hate to say it, if there is any doubt by either party don’t do it. Otherwise resentment for a long time will follow.
We have two kids. 6 and 4. It’s very rewarding and very hard. Hardest job with the best pay, unconditional love.
But if she has doubts and then you have kids, and she is not into it….it will be very difficult.
I’m curious if you all started living together once you married or if you’ve lived together a while. It certainly seems like the realities of being a parent are weighing far more heavily on her than they are on you. Given you’re in a PhD program and pushing a family, are you looking at the realities at all? Y’all have been married three months. Why the rush?
If you all have only been living together a short while, maybe you aren’t contributing to the workload of the household as she expected. Certainly, if my partner weren’t pulling his weight and devoting all his time to a PhD program, then pushing me to get pregnant, I’d be defensive, too.
Sounds to me like she’s feeling pressure already and the weight of a family is too much to bear. You might want to consider what your role is in supporting her and if you’re prepared to be an equal partner and parent.
Hahaha peed in a Cheeto bag. Kids are a menace 😂. Still the best thing I’ve ever done with my life.
I had both my kids when my husband was in grad school. And honestly if she wants your help, it’s a GREAT time imo. You can get dissertation work done while on kid duty at night.
You need to have a frank discussion about how important kids are to you. If it’s kids or you walk, you need to figure it out now.
You’re…. Running out of time?
BRO you’ve got another 10 years at least before you run out of time. Hubs and I are the same age as you and we want kids, but we’re looking at 33-35ish. If you wanted a young mom, or to start poppin them out immediately after marriage, you should have specified.
I’m like your wife, I DO NOT want kids right now. I am 99% positive I will in the future, but NOT RIGHT NOW. This is not a dealbreaker. Jesus just enjoy the prime of your life with your wife. Make sure she is still ok with having kids later when she’s ready and hold your damn horses.
My ex-husband used to do this only we had talked about adoption of an older kid(s). There was always a new goal date and reason we could not do it. The goal post ALWAYS moved with a book of various excuses. I was in my late 20s when I left him and met my now husband. We have 2 kids now biologically and plan to adopt in the future. I’m sooooo thankful I never started a family with my ex now! Get a straight answer from your wife. It’s simple. Yes or no. If it’s not a wholehearted yes, then it’s a no. You have already stated that it’s extremely important to you. So you either need to choose to be OK with not having kids and not become bitter about it or you need to leave the otherwise great relationship because this big issue is no longer something you are compatible on.
“What if they’re autistic and I can’t handle it?”
As an Autism dad, this type of comment always triggers me. Autism isn’t a damn death sentence.
“What if they’re autistic and I can’t handle it?”
As an dad to a child with autism, comments like these make my blood boil. Autism is not some kind of end-of-the-world condition.
Considering John Tyler fathered a child at 70 years old, your clock isn’t ticking near as fast as your wife’s is… BUT, you need to sit down and be direct with her about whether or not she truly wants kids. No beating around the bush at all.
Look having kids now is fucking terrifying in many and specific ways for women. I had a similar breakdown over it. The fear that the male will not carry his share of responsibilities is not baseless, it’s a fact that women work full time and still carry the brunt of work. In the home..What you need to find out if this is a passing freak out or is an absolute. Also you have plenty of time let the poor lady have a year or too of freedom. Once they come along it will never be the same.
Your wife doesn’t sound like she wants kids. Ask her.
I had my first at 36 and second baby at 46. I struggled with infertility with the first so getting pregnant with the second so late in life was quiet the surprise! I think it’s normal to second guess wanting children. Just like she changed her mind to not wanting them she can change her mind to wanting again. It’s just thoughts that create the feelings…in all things. Sit down and talk about what thoughts she has about having kids. I bet there are good and bad thoughts towards it. Maybe the bad is outweighing the good right now.