My friend (24f) has told me multiple times she feels like I don’t put forth the same energy in our friendship. We talk everyday and she try’s to hang out multiple times through out the week typically I’m pretty transparent and deny the invitation. I (24f) live 35 mins away from her and told her that with how much I got going on (just lost my job and 2 months behind on my car payment) I can probably hang out 1-2 times a month. I have a dog and a long term relationship. She has made it clear anything she invites me to my boyfriend is not invited because she doesn’t want to third wheel but when she had a bf and I visited her out of state for a week her ex was there every damn day (which I didn’t care about his presence just the principle of if it was me she would have a shitty attitude and ask like if I had to be doing that or something) But the real issue is I have an illegal car (no tags or insurance) and she thinks I’m hanging out with other people instead of her and I just tell her no I’m not I’m literally home alone. She says I’m not considerate of the way she needs me to be there for her and I just told her that like Until I get a job I can’t really do much. She’s told me it makes her sad well never have that best friend experience that you see all over social media (basically being single together) . And I just feel guilty because yes I love hanging out with her but it’s also like I just enjoy my home life too. And when I lost my job she wanted to make a bunch of plans but I have no money so she feels like I’m blowing her off every time she asks me to do something. What do I do because yes I understand always being turned down gets old and she might stop inviting me but also I feel like we’ve known each other for 10 years like we should be able to do our own thing for a while and come back together I never go more than 2 days with out hearing from her so how am I neglecting our friendship we always talk.. help
tl;DR long time friends wants more of my attention.
3 comments
I do movie night, eat and snack and drink with friends once every month or two
Another friend group we do game night, once every month or two
The double standards and neediness sound very draining, and it’s okay to want to do other stuff besides hang out with her. You might just be out-growing this friendship, and want a different level of connection than she does.
Adult friendship looks like whatever the adults in the friendship want it to look like. And that’s going to change from time to time. I’ve had friends in adulthood who I’d hang out with nearly every day of the week … who then at other points in our lives we’d catch up maybe once or twice a year.
But something that is super important and seems to be being missed by your friend is that circumstances have changed, which means the dynamics of the friendship should change to acknowledge that.