FWB—with an ex but hoping to turn it back into more.
Ok so this is a lightning rod type of question but here it goes anyways – I’m engaging in what is essentially a FWB relationship with an ex of mine. We went out for about six months approximately four years ago. We broke up for a myriad of reasons… many of which stemmed from it being both of our first major relationship post both of our divorces. She’s a product of cheating…. The day she came home from the hospital after giving birth to her daughter she came home to a dear John letter from her douche ex husband. Because of that her trust issues are through the roof … I didn’t do what it took to be with a woman who required the assurances she needed – she wasn’t blameless in the dissolution of our relationship but I was the primary reason; I didn’t go the extra mile and refused to put her mind at ease…fast forward a year and we reconnected and started a fwb situation for two months and that was interrupted by Covid. We are both single parents and the relationship fades away after a few months into the pandemic.
We’ve now reconnected AGAIN and started with coffee which quickly escalated to having sex again. The chemistry is insane and our bodies just seem to know what the other needs. It’s hot as fuck. She wanted me to know that this was friends with benefits and that it wasn’t going further … her friends were worried I might catch feelings. Of course I thought I could compartmentalize but I can’t have sex without the connection I’m just not wired that way I guess.
My issue is she’s saying one thing but her actions seemingly say something else. For example the second time we got together we spent 7 hours together ..she came to my place and we had some fun, went to town, had dinner and she invited me to do painting class together that evening. Fast forward to last weekend and I-came to her place around 8 pm have sex… she asked m to stay over and I did and we had breakfast the next morning as well as had another round before her daughter came home.
These feel at cross purposes to “let’s be duck buddies” all if the above feel like dates and are deep and involve tons of time together. I don’t understand … she invited me again this weekend … I’m not turning her down but the initiative is coming from her.
I definitely want to try again …. I’m not the same man I was four years ago and have done a lot of work with a therapist to work through why I didn’t do what I needed yo do the first time …. I know she’s scared of repeat hurt ….we’ve both had two relationships since we were last together and someone we always seem to orbit around to each other …. Is she just not understanding what her actions are conveying?? Is she fucking with me ?? I feel strangely sad every time I leave because o want more but obviously risking rejection sucks.
For context she’s 39 and I’m 41 we are both single parents … I can figure out if she’s scared I’ll hurt her so this is her version of a smokescreen… or if she just doesn’t see that what we have going on is a relationship just without the name . Any guidance is greatly appreciated 😊
2 comments
Your post stands out to me because it reminds me of myself when you say you can’t just do sex without the connection.. Glad you realized where you could have improved girls that go through that kind of trauma need that reassurance and ease of mind that you won’t abandon them and from what it sounds like, right now she just wants the sex and the boyfriend girlfriend stuff without the actual label of being something deeper or committed. It could be because you two were once in a relationship and spending time together is the norm for her, and is basically normal in all relationships and I wouldn’t say shes messing with you.. she spit her contract to you first and you agreed to the FWB relationship
I’ve taken my fwb’s out for dinner or other activities when we weren’t having sex just for the fun of it and there aren’t any rules that say you can’t.. just recognize what you have and enjoy the benefits, unfortunately for this woman, and most women like this, when it comes to relationships and deeper connections she has to come in on her own meaning you can’t force her into a deeper relationship.. she needs to fall in love with you for her to put her heart in your direction first, otherwise she’s gonna ride as free as she wants just recognize where you stand and keep your heart in check
Also the reason you’re feeling sad is just because of the wiring in your mind. When your mind is wrapped around one person and that good feeling is no longer present you get a dose of being bummed out, happens to everyone
So to set it to you straight You are a FWB you know this. She put forward her proposal and you accepted. If she wants more she is going to have to be the one to initiate that. Until then you are FWB that’s that. As for her actions speaking different …. does it really? So she likes your companionship, doesn’t mean she wants to be tied down to you.
understand what your situation is FWB stands for friends with benefits. To me that means spending time together and stuff is not out of the normal you are afterall friends not just bootycalls. understand that and that she is not interested in a relationship. SO
You need to do one of two things.
1. Suck it up don’t pressure her and enjoy her company.
2. or 2. Tell her hey I am catching feelings and would like this to progress to more. If it can’t then for my own mental health we need to stop sleeping together, and cut it off if she is not open to furthering the relationship. Just understand this choice will likely end the friendship as a whole. but that is sometimes the best thing for you.