Quick background info: M(33) & F(35) Living together for 8 years, two kids between 2 and 6. Owns our apartment.
In January, my wife started a new job. A job she really dreamed of. She is enjoying herself incredibly well and her first months there have really given her the biggest boost in confidence. She has been so happy, proud and satisfied. But around April-May something happened in her attitude towards me. She distanced herself physically and emotionally. Began to shut down and tell less and less about work.
This resulted in me starting to question her and what she was doing. Which started a lot of trouble at the beginning of the summer. She thinks im hazzling her when I am asking about her life. However, I recognized this, from my own experiences. I suspected she had met someone, or at least was interested in someone else.
It was here that I decided to snoop. And to commit what is perhaps a modern mortal sin. Snoop on her phone. What I found was that in a closed group on Facebook she asked for advice when she met a colleague she is incredibly attracted to. She wrote that she can’t think about anything but sleeping with this person.
I did nothing more with that information then. But still felt at ease knowing what it was about. I thought I’d do my best in the relationship and hope she stays the course. Since then it has been up and down. But never got on very well between us. She maintains her distance. Both physically and emotionally.
Fast forward to the month of November and the mood escalates to the point where she barely speaks to me and avoids even being in the same room as me. When I ask her about what’s going on, she brings up things I’ve done in recent days that have annoyed her. I’m trying to emphasize that this is bigger than our small arguments. This is a larger pattern that spans months. But she maintains that it’s the little things that bother her.
Here I decide to commit the previous sin again. I start snooping on her phone. I then find three things:
\-she has confessed to a colleague she has become good friends with that she has a crush on a person at their workplace. She says she never did anything with him and her crush doesn’t know. She also writes that she hasn’t met him for a while, but that she ran into him again now and she still feels the same way.
\-She has googled how to date a colleague and how to show interest
\- She has asked him out to take a beer with her
I walk around with a lump in my stomach all the time and don’t know what to do. She doesn’t want to talk about our relationship, refuses family counseling and I feel like I can’t bring myself to know these things. But I want to talk to her about this, how we should behave to make it better. I waited for a few days and then I felt that I had to confront her about this.
I had really prepeared myself. I was gonna be calm and kind, explain that these things happens, but that I reallyt want to make it work bewteen us. It didn’t really go as planned. She straight up denied that she had done anything wrong. She states that she was kidding with her friend, that the guy told her he didn’t want to take a beer with, and she did not have sex with him.
And now she’s angry with me. Not so much for snooping, but for telling her that I think of this as cheating. What should my next step be?
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And also, for the poll. Would you consider this cheating?
[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/zfwb1u)
34 comments
>She wrote that she can’t think about anything but sleeping with this person.
Right here , right here infidelity is committed.
Modern World and Esther Perel fans can say whatever, but i don’t think there is any coming back from Infidelity.
Those who stay, more power to them, stay because of fear of losing whatever, corpse of the relationship, they are left with and live in paranoia for life.
She may not have gone through with anything physical, but she clearly planned to. She has certainly got emotionally involved. She had a crush on a colleague, asked him out, and got turned down. You don’t ask people out on dates if you’re in a monogamous marriage. If she can’t see that she’s in the wrong here, then there’s no hope. While I don’t condone snooping, she gave you reason to do it.
No one can really advise you on what to do next. You either make it work, or you leave her to it. If the latter, take screenshots of everything for the divorce lawyer.
It’s at the very least emotional cheating and if I were in your shoes it wouldn’t matter if it was physical or not how she switched gears and shut you out of her life would be a deal breaker and I’d be gathering myself and getting a good lawyer on the phone to make sure I didn’t get taken advantage from in the divorce. Gather any evidence you can in case it turns ugly.
I know we all have different breaking points and maybe you can forgive but I know I wouldn’t be able to.
As someone whose wife had an online affair (sexting, videos, phone sex, pictures, etc), I think I can speak to this a bit.
First of all, if you have “probable cause” that something isn’t right and you check your spouse’s device and find something, that’s not an invasion of privacy, that’s you validating something you had a feeling about.
It actually doesn’t matter how she feels about it because she’s in the wrong here – she’s pursuing, albeit somewhat tacitly, another man that she has a sexual interest in. She’s not looking to become friends with him, she’s pursuing him with sexual intentions.
So it’s important to be very clear about what she’s doing, how she’s lying about it, how she’s tried to gaslight you into believing there’s nothing wrong and you’re imagining it, and she’s had unfaithful intentions.
She’s the villain and you’re the victim.
You need to get that very clear in your own mind and not waiver from it. Nothing you have done (or not done) in your relationship has led her to this – she chose this path on her own, she’s made poor decisions, and her moral character is at fault here.
Now, is this salvageable? Sure.
But you need to confront her, you need to have your evidence lined up, and you need to be steadfast in your position that she’s in the wrong and the only right answer is for her to admit what she’s done fully (and who knows what else) and seek your forgiveness.
That’s it, that’s the path forward. She needs to 100% come clean, she needs to stop the girlish flirting and nonsense with this other person, and she needs to work to become a better person and partner that you deserve.
But you can’t waiver from that. She may try and blame you or whatever, don’t let her. It’s fine to accept that you’re not perfect and have room to improve but you must not allow her to make her dabbling with infidelity anything other than her breach of your trust and something she must now work to regain going forward.
Good luck, be strong.
Between friends, family and myself, Ladies tend to leave emotionally first. Then it’s just a matter of opportunity for the physical. The last thing anyone wants to hear is the word co worker when things like this happen. It would be a wrap for me, without even knowing she planned and showed intend which she did. I wish you the best and hope you find piece of mind. You can forgive but you never forget and most likely it will erode you from within and resentment will build.
If she hasn’t physically cheated yet, it’s not due to lack of effort.
You absolutely need to be done with this woman.
Went through very similar thing. In my opinion she has already broken up with you in her mind. She is scared, have no guts to do it for real or she want you to break up with her so she is not a villain in this story. Good thing that you found out, don’t let her guilt trip you that it is your fault.
I believe he didn’t want a beer with her or anything else which is why she never slept with him. Her Google history is the key she wanted his D
Update:
Turns out he answered her that he did not want to take a beer with her.
Not that it really matters.
She wants to cheats, she craves this guy. That’s disgusting and that’s attempts to cheat. She is not loyal. That’s such a deal breaker for me. She doesn’t want you, she wants him
She is clearly trying and actively seeking to cheat, she’s cheating.
She is emotionally withdrawn from you. She cheated. She claims she didn’t cheat, but that you are somehow at fault for her emotional withdrawal.
Yeah— I don’t see a way back from this. She doesn’t see that she did anything wrong because she is attempting to define cheating as PIV only, but she definitely emotionally cheated. She had intent to date someone outside of your relationship.
Just know that if you forgive her, she’s likely to do it again later.
My ex tried to blame me when he cheated. Stupidly I forgave him for the first set of affairs. (He was cheating with multiple women he’d met online.) Years later, he did it again. He’s actually married to one of his APs now (though she thinks she is the only one he cheated with…. hahhahaaha.), and I wish them just as much happiness as they deserve.
I would not work anything out with a cheater. Nothing gets worked out. She gets better at hiding her cheating and you get cheated again.
You can’t say that this is cheating because she was not intimate with another person. You can’t be convicted of murder if you only talked about/made a plan for killing someone
However, talking about and making detailed plans to kill someone can get you convicted of other crimes.
My point is that the question in the poll “is this cheating?” is irrelevant because her actions demonstrate that there are serious problems in your marriage.
I wouldn’t accuse her of cheating, but I would confront her about:
– how hurt you are
– how the conversations she had with her friend seem to show that she isn’t really committed to your marriage anymore
– how there’s a pattern of behavior stretching back over the last few months that makes you feel distant and lonely
It sounds like you’ve already done serval of those things and that she isn’t willing to work on these problems (at least in the context of marriage counseling).
I’ll go out on a limb and say that marriage counseling (and therapy more generally) isn’t for everyone. If she’s willing to work on these issues in some other meaningful way then I think you should stick it out and try to make things work. The two of you made a commitment to one another and have a family to think about. You’d be doing yourselves and your kids a disservice if you didn’t try everything possible to make this work.
That being said, an unwillingness to go to counseling doesn’t bode well in my opinion. I know counseling isn’t fun but it’s a small price to pay to save your marriage. If you’re really making an effort to work on these problems and she isn’t reciprocating, it may be time to call it quits.
I’m sorry this is happening brother. I hope everything works out for you and your family ❤️.
The concept that “snooping” is this horrible thing escapes me.
When two people get married, they are contractually signing over partial control of their emotional, physical and financial health to that other person. The idea that you are allowed to keep secrets from each other that might impact your partner’s health is moronic.
My wife and I are secondary Face ID on each other’s phones. I don’t look at her phone and as far as I know she doesn’t look at mine, but if other things happened in our relationship that made me question what is going on I would look at her communications and I would expect her to do the same.
You said that she gained a job of her dreams and her confidence is boosted. Good for her, but what I think is very overlooked is that she (like everyone else in life) is changing and developing into a new person. If this is a different field she’s in, she’s gaining a new perspective on how to look at things, she’s meeting people who have the same interests as her, and she’s becoming more comfortable and sure of herself.
You’ve been together for a long time, and I’m guessing that because of her emotionally withdrawing and this new shift of persona, she sees you as a reminder of her old self and the co worker as the promise of what she thinks she wants and who she can continue to become. I’m not saying that starting a new job or relocating can be detrimental to a relationship, but it’s up to her to continue dating her spouse and delight in those new changes with you, not your co worker.
In a span of 3 years, I went from working a shitty customer service job, a “big girl” job that was basically customer service but seemed like it was high caliber, and now I’m in an amazing role that fits about 98% of my needs with great growth potential and security. My husband can easily track the changes in me and the shifts in our dynamics just based off of my job changes alone. But we continued to date each other and get to know each other in every step. I think she wants to move on from who she used to be and continue on becoming the woman she wants to be, and she’s treating you like collateral because she’s convinced herslf that this guy “fits” the new her better than you do.
To me, deliberately getting close with someone you have feelings for while you’re in a monogamous relationship with someone else is cheating. Asking that person for a beer when you have feelings for them is cheating and suggests the desire to escalate to physical cheating.
Within the context of *my* marriage, there would be scenarios when this would NOT be cheating, but if there aren’t any special rules in play, then it’s cheating.
At the minimum it’s emotional cheating and probably physical due to the time span. Go talk to a lawyer and have her served with papers and see if she changes her song. Stand up and respect yourself and your children. She is not only cheating on you but also your children. Do not play the pick me dance or rug sweep
It is emotional cheating.
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If the work colleague expressed interest back, she would be in a sexual relationship with them. have no doubt about that.
Of course, this is cheating. Its emotional cheating.
Dude pick your self respect up off the floor. Good luck.
This is called emotional cheating. I’m sorry OP. Having work crushes is fine but what’s not fine is pursuing them while married. She withdrew her emotions from you. Right now, she resents you because all in her mind is that colleague. She asked him out on beer, so you already know where this is headed.
That said, this is salvageable but only if she shows remorse and wants to do the work. Check out r/supportforbetrayed and r/Asoneafterinfidelity for advice and resources.
Best of luck OP
She tried to cheat, got rejected, then got caught. Pack your bags dude.
If you try to kill someone and fail, you go to jail.
Time to up that self-respect muscle and use it walk.
The only reason it did not turn into physically cheating is because he turned her down. She was trying to cheat but failed.
It is one thing to think a coworker is attractive… it is a completely another thing though if they act on it and it looks like your wife is acting on it. The fact that she invited him out for a drink and is emotionally distancing herself from you… I think she is trying to monkey branch to her coworker, honestly.
She asked someone on a date. She’s cheating. Fantasizing sexually about someone in her life outside of her marriage, sneaking around, and pursuing a romantic relationship with someone else, even if it wasn’t reciprocated.
She asked him out on a date, she was googling how to cheat, that isn’t a joke with her friend. You should either insist on seeing a lawyer or a couples counselor at this point since she is still unhappy and stone walling you.
At this point she isn’t even sorry she betrayed you or treat you poorly for months. She didn’t confess to anything and likely would have kept escalating if you didn’t catch her. You can’t save a marriage by yourself and it won’t take if she doesn’t want to save it.
You know yourself she left the relationship earlier this year as soon as she started ton withdrawal she left in her mind meaning she is cutting you out /off. Id get papers drawn up and book counciling and take control of the situation the counciling can be either to fix the relationship or to navigate the divorce. Either way stay strong brother and good luck
Yes. This is not fuzzy. She crossed lines and spent emotional energy that is reserved for a spouse. It’s the starting point of where a full on physical affair can take off from. She took the first steps down the road. If you read the accounts of remorseful waywards who had workplace affairs this is how it starts. With the gradual blurring of boundaries. It is skin to the tale of how to boil a frog.
I highly recommend the two of you read *Not Just Friends* by Shirley Glass asap. Watch her get a sickened look on her face as she reads Glass’s description of what she was doing and where it was going. If you want a brief description of the stages of emotional affairs hat is based on her work read this: https://thepowermoves.com/emotional-affair/
And on the matter of snooping, there is a difference between privacy and secrets. A marriage can have the first. It cannot have the second. Read here for the difference:
https://www.loveatfirstfight.com/relationship-advice/privacy-secrecy/#:~:text=Privacy%20is%20essential.,discovered%20what%20you’re%20hiding.
This is a hill to die on. If she continues to turn this on you and take no responsibility for what she has done this will happen again and it won’t end where this one did (if it ended at all.)
Its 💯 gaslighting when someone gets caught and uses the “why did you snoop”. I snooped because you’re suspicious as fuckk and now you’re mad you got caught. 🙄🙄🙄
I think the odds are that she is already sleeping with him and obviously that means she is lying to you. There is a lot of info about this out there. Just look it up.
If you consider it cheating then it is cheating. Only you can decide what you are willing to put up with in a relationship.
She is violating your marriage by planning a romantic relationship with someone else. That is a deal breaker in my book. She has violated the trust that is essential to the relationship. You’ve already suggested marriage counseling so it is over. She has no interest in pursuing a relationship with you. She is just keeping you on standby in case her new interest doesn’t work out… until the next time. Why are you letting her make the call? Talk to a lawyer ASAP.