My brother and his wife just had their first kid. They want my husband and I to be the godparents the only problem is that we are not married in the eyes of the Catholic Church. We are legally married but never had any kind of religious ceremony our officiant was a friend that got ordained online.
Now my brother and SIL are asking us to get married with the Catholic Church so we can be god parents. My husband and don’t want to do that we are both not big fans of religion in general. ( especially the Catholic Church) When we got married his mom begged us to have a Catholic Church wedding and we obviously refused. When we have kids there’s no way in hell we would get them baptized.
I told my brother and SIL that while I appreciate they want us to be the godparents getting married in the eyes of the church is not something we are going to do. Now it’s blown up into a whole thing.
My mother is upset, my SIL parents are pissed. SIL doesn’t have any siblings and they are saying we are disrespectful and horrible. They are claiming that if we don’t do this they are unsure if they want us in their child’s life. I think they are overreacting this is a personal choice my husband and I made. I’m being called immature for not wanting anything to do with religion. Idk how to handle this
47 comments
Keep telling them that it’s not their decision how you married.
They are in no place to demand such of you.
If they aren’t okay with you being godparents for that reason – okay. Fine. Then they can choose someone else.
If they escalate this into so much drama, and wanting to shut you out of their family life – let them.
They most likely will change their mind once they realise they can’t blackmail you.
Keep that boundary up. Your religious beliefs and how or if you have religion in your life is none of their business.
Wtf. These people sound crazy af. If they out themselves from your life bc you won’t bow down to a religion that specifically caters to pedophiles, it sounds like a great move. Hope they settle down as the kid gets older, hopefully the kid is LGBTQ so they can bring the family into this century. Good luck!
They are choosing religious extremism over their loved ones. This is on them.
Im with you two and wouldnt twist yourselves into pretzels trying to “keep the peace” (which may or may not be the official slogan of dysfunctional families everywhere).
Let everyone else say what they want, you and your husband dont have to endlessly debate this and can state something like “ok, sounds like you need to choose new godparents then”, and leave it at that.
Good luck, im sure this is stressful 🙁
Sometimes the only way to deal with people is to laugh in their face and walk away shaking your head
this is one of those times
Why is their only concern the wedding? If you’re not Catholic you would not raise their children the way they’d want if something happens to them so you’re not appropriate godparents. I’m Jewish and I respect that my Catholic friends for whom it’s very important their children be raised Catholic would never choose me as a godparents. It’s totally fine for religion to not be important in your life, but they need to find other godparents. Even if you get married in the church, that doesn’t magically make you good Catholic parents. Remind them that even if you did get married in the church you’d never raise their kids Catholic and they’ll leave you alone.
Just say no.
Stand your ground- do they think they can bully you into this?
Isn’t the point of being a “godparent” is that you are taking on the responsibility of ensuring that your brother’s children will be brought up “in the church” in case of your brother’s and wife’s demise?
It is a construct designed to insure that children (who are not yours) remain in the Catholic Church.
I think people assign other meaning to the term, but that really isn’t related to being a “godparent”. Given that definition, you probably wouldn’t be the best choice for a godparent. Some people are incapable of separating your worth as a good person and your religious status. When we had young children, I put more emphasis on who I could trust to care for my children if my wife or I passed away. You may want to put it in those terms for your brother (that he could rely on you to care and love his children), and he could pick out a staunch Catholic to be a godparent.
When I first read this, I thought you really wanted to be their godparents, but they were saying, no, you have to be married in the Catholic Church to be allowed to. That would be reasonable, as the boundary.
But them insisting on you being a godparent and trying to change your marriage and religion to make you do something you don’t want to do in the first place… wtf is going on why are you even entertaining these people?
Stick to your guns. No one has a right to force you to do some religious BS just to appease their beliefs. If they don’t make you godparents that’s their choice. You are actually being quite mature by holding to your own principles and beliefs. What they want is for you to be immature enough to bend to the whims and pressure of others.
The position of godparents within the Catholic Church is to ensure that the children will be raised within the church’s guidelines and values, if the parents are unable to do that themselves. You two are not suited for that task, as demanded by the position within the church; NTA, and you ought to point that out to everyone who is trying to pressure you. For the sake of Catholic tradition, please ask not to be the godparents.
They can have their parents or cousins be godparents what a weird attempt to control you.
No clue what kind of advice to give you, but I have to say your fam sounds whack, and not in the good way. Isn’t the most important thing for god parents to be kind and loving and able to give the child a nurturing home and future in the case tragedy strikes?? Wtf does church have to do with that? I’m getting sick and tired of any and all that try to force religion down your throat and if you counter them all of a sudden you’re horrible, immature and whatnot. In this case even going as far to say they don’t want you in the child’s life. Come on..
>They want my husband and I to be the godparents the only problem is that we are not married in the eyes of the Catholic Church.
The first and most important part of being a godparent (technically) is being a spiritual guide and mentor to your godchild. To be another trusted adult that guides them (aside from their parents)
If your brother and SIL are such devout Catholics, and they know you’re not, then why are they even asking you? You’re not Catholic. You’re gong to be an aunt and uncle anyway so a relationship already exists.
This feels like the whole family forcing you and your husband into a Catholic box.
Very sus. And why are the parents (your mother, SILs parents) even getting involved. Super unnecessary.
I would repeat what you’ve already said, you’re not religious and can’t take on the role of religious guidance. They need to find friends who will do this.
You don’t even need to be married at all to be God parents… and godparents don’t even have to be in a relationship. I’m my nephews godmother and my uncle is his godfather.
They’re just trying to force you to have the marriage sacrament for some weird controlling af reason. They pulled this requirement out of their asses and I suggest you tell them to f off.
Trying to blackmail you into a religious ceremony you don’t want is the disrespectful part. Go to their religious official of choice. Explain what they’re doing, and a good one will tell them they’re 100% wrong. I’d still consider going NC anyway.
So. Don’t. If they can’t respect your decision that says a lot about both sides of the family. Your SIL can talk when she actually has blood siblings. If you don’t wanna be religious that’s YOUR business.
So a) I am my niece’s godmother despite not being Catholic, and married to a Catholic in a non-church wedding and b) why would you even want to be a godparent if you eschew religion? TBH you’re not a good choice for a godparent. I’d just decline and be done with it.
They need to come to terms with the fact that they don’t get to control anyone else’s religious preferences. Even this kid will eventually make their own decisions.
They should pick a couple Catholic friends to be godparents. Maybe they have church friends. Meanwhile you can enjoy being an aunt/uncle.
Tell them you’re not doing it. End of conversation
There is a way to do it in the Catholic Church without getting married in the church, assuming you are Catholic (were at least raised Catholic and baptized even if you don’t practice now). You are the godmother and your husband is a “Christian witness” (in the eyes of the church, in the eyes of your family hopefully you will both just be “godparents”). The actual baptism ceremony is exactly the same as if you were married in the church. That is what we did (2X with two different priests in two different Catholic Churches) with my BILs who weren’t Catholic. Have them bring this up to their priest.
One of the god parents to my nephew is not Catholic nor are they married. Priest had no issue with it. So that’s bs right there I’m baptized but I am now atheist priest had no issue with it. Its not up to the church who you chose it’s up to you.
There’s nothing to handle.
“Your demand is unreasonable and we will not bow to it.
Why would you want us as godparents? This is a religious action, and we’ve already shown we don’t follow their dogma. Our wedding covered our legal (and spiritual?) needs. We’re already married.
Back Off.”
Typical American Taliban move.
Dear Bro & SIL. We love you and are beyond honored that you would ask us to fill such an important role of being a Godparent. One of the important roles of a Godparent is being a good role model and helping guide the children in their life. Since neither hubby or I are active, participants in the Catholic faith, we feel it would be a lie to be married in the Catholic church. While we understand you are disappointed, we hope you will understand and respect why we cannot take on the official role as godparent because of this condition. Our decision will not be changed. We love you and will always be there as a beloved aunty and uncle for the child.
If they refuse to understand your decision, there is nothing more you can do. You will just have to ignore them on the subject. Be firm that you will not discuss it further. Best of luck to you!
There’s nothing for you to handle. Everybody’s going crazy over your own personal choice. That’s not your problem
This is one of those situations where people have made an unreasonable request of you and then used your obvious refusal of their terms to play the victim. As long as you weren’t insulting of their choices I don’t see why they ever thought it was reasonable to ask you to organise a religious ceremony just to be godparents to their children. I guess just maintain your boundary and say to them that you’re very happy to be in their and their child’s lives but perhaps they should choose a couple who have had a Catholic marriage as the official godparents. I don’t really see what other options you have. If they cut you off or are unreasonable you’ve done your best to actually seek compromise with their unreasonable request.
Just be cheerfully straightforward with them. “We love you, we love your baby, and we want to be part of baby’s life. If you want to invite us to be godparents on the basis of understanding that our marriage and religious practices already exist and won’t be changing then we’d be thrilled to accept. If you don’t feel you can invite us to be godparents because of our marriage then we’ll be thrilled that baby gets to have even more people who love them in their life when you choose someone else, and we’ll be happy you have godparents you can share your religious views with. We’ll still be happy to be there for all of you, just like we always have been.
“If you decide that practising religion your way is a prerequisite for being in your lives then we will be very sad about that; we’re still the same people who have loved you and thought you loved us for years, and nothing on our side has changed, so it’s confusing and upsetting to be told you suddenly want to cut us off for not suddenly changing our marriage to suit you. We’re hurt by that and it may take us some time to forgive you. When you’re ready to reach out and rebuild a relationship, whenever that may be, then you know how to find us. We still love you, we’re just a little hurt and disappointed. I hope you settle on what you want from this situation soon and find godparents whose personal lives you are satisfied with.”
They are aware that the church’s propensity to abuse and protect the abusers of children, and is at best large scale criminal enterprise that has churches as a side hustle, right?
Don’t do it!! If they feel this strongly about having Catholic godparents then they can ask other relatives or some Catholic friends – they must have lots since they are so involved in the church, right?
It isn’t your fault the SIL doesn’t have any siblings. It isn’t your responsibility to get married in the name of something you don’t believe in in order to fulfill their demands.
And if they “are unsure if they want us in their child’s life” that’s their decision to make. “We would be very sad if you decided that our non-Catholic wedding was a reason not to be in your lives or your child’s life but that is a decision you get to make for yourselves and for your child.” (And if they did so I would go no-contact with them and anyone who supported this lunacy.)
Fine, they need to pick someone else to be a godparent then. What kind of morons are these people? They KNOW you’re not religious, why TF are they expecting you to magically become “godly”? How sincere could complying with their demands possibly be? NOT! Looks good on the surface, but God knows it’s not in your heart, bla bla scripture quote pointing out how hypocritical and stupid they’re being.
If they want to cut you out of their child’s life as a result, well how very Christian of them. Probably for the best, or they’ll be baptizing your future children without your consent. Stand your ground on this one, and refuse to negotiate with emotional terrorists.
Say no and tell them to chose someone else. Do not be held hostage by other people’s bias. This is the outside of enough. Your families sound disgusting.
I just think you shouldn’t be a godparent to the child, which will end the discussion. Even though that term has gotten a secular meaning in the modern era, the original idea was that the person would help you teach them right from wrong according to a shared religion. If they’re religious, and you’re not, it really didn’t make sense to ask you in the first place.
If they want to cut you out because of religion, that’s sad but ultimately it’s on them and not you, and you won’t have any blame in it no matter what they think.
Since when is being an Aunt/Uncle to the kid a requirement for being a Godparent? I think I’d just tell them I’m perfectly happy being the cool Atheist Aunt/Uncle, and let them find someone more appropriate to help with the kid’s spiritual growth or whatever it is godparents do.
No. What the hell man…
Professional bridge-burner so probably not a good advice if that is not you jam but, call their bluff real hard. “You are unsure if you want us in your child life because of your faith? Perfect! I was looking for a way to absolve myself from any and all gift-giving, boring toddler birthday parties, horribly noisy Holidays celebrations and babysitting duties, thanks for doing us a solid. See you in 18 years!”
And then don’t call or answer their call for as long as you wish.
Guess you won’t be apart of the kids life is that so bad? It’s not your kids anyways.
A person’s spirituality is very peersonal. There is something seriouspy wrong with someone who tries to force their beliefs on you. Tell them to find other godparents.
Why would you even want to be “godparents?” It’s a meaningless title. Tell them no thank you.
Are you baptised? That is the only thing the church asks if you. Your private life and decisions are your business. They are being really manipulative and blackmailing you. It will be their child’s loss if they don’t allow uncles and aunts into their holy family!
Well thats not very Christian like…shun people because they wont do what you want? Hmmm, they may want to re-read the Bible.
So threatening your relationship with your future nibling in an attempt to make you the godparent? Sounds about right. I also have an inkling that if you were give into to this it wouldn’t end just there. Stand your ground, no is a complete sentence, let them be angry.
I love this serial fake-poster who always follows the same narrative structure and always, always starts the second paragraph with “Now”. I see you!
No is a complete sentence.
You do not have to have your marriage blessed so you can be godparents. They are trying to force their views on you.
You can still be godparents, it’s just a title. Who cares if it isn’t recognized by the church?
Lol they’re calling YOU immature while wanting to dictate YOUR wedding & life?
Nah, the mature thing is to stop having this discussion at all. It’s a no. Stop explaining your feelings, stop talking about whatever you want to do with religion. Just say: ‘Me and my husband will not be getting married for the church. End of discussion.”
If they say they don’t want you in their child’s life unless you do this, just say: “It would make me said that you would not allow me to get to know my niece/nephew just because we don’t believe the same things. You can’t really shelter your child from ever having to meet or deal with people from different religions. However, that is YOUR choice, about YOUR life.’
They will try everything to get you to do what you want, but I doubt they will cut you off entirely. But mainly, stop pretending that this is a debate or something they have ANY say in at all. Don’t talk about baptising your own children; that’s a different debate for a different day. If they ask, just say: when the time comes, my husband and I will decide between the two of us what we want to do. But that’s not what this is about.
Sounds like they are in a pretty fucked up cult.
Once again, there’s no hate like Christian love.