My wife and I have been married for almost 10 years now. We have a 6 year old daughter who’s amazing but also tough. She’s very feisty and loves to manipulate us, which is crazy to me because she’s 6 lol. Anyhow, maybe 5 years ago my wife told me she was asexual. Asexuals do not have feelings of attraction to anyone. Also, no sex drive whatsoever. When she mentioned she was asexual, she also said that having sex really hurt and was not enjoyable. I felt terrible! Since then I have not tried to engage with her sexually. I do not want to force her into having any intimacy if she does not enjoy it. However, I enjoy intimacy and sex. I came from relationships that were sexually healthy. Not being able to have intimacy has made me really depressed. I seemed therapy at some point and it helped. I had the courage to tell her how I felt and that hopefully we can try to have some sort of intimacy. We tried for a bit of foreplay which was nice. But the whole time I felt terrible because I’m my mind I knew she was not enjoying it. We tried twice and since then I stopped asking. I just couldn’t make someone do something that wasn’t part of who they are.
I’m in my 40’s depressed that I’ll never have sex ever again. It’s been six years since we had sex. Im healthy, in shape and have lots left in me lol. I don’t know what to do at this point. Divorce? Therapy? Im sure therapy is the way to go but I’m just unsure that’ll work. Anyone out there have a similar experience?
5 comments
I know this is not for everyone and it is only one option but have you thought about possibly opening up your marriage? You obviously love your wife very much and if you dont want to divorce you could always have an honest conversation that although you respect that she does not want/need intimacy you do and if that is not an option i would recommend divorce but hopefully its an amicable split that allows you to co-parent well.
Your wife is asexual and it sounds like you are heterosexual. That’s not compatible. If one of you were homosexual, it would be clear that you should both move on so that you could both live a fulfilling life. This is the same. Perhaps she’d consider an open relationship. That could work. But to give up intimacy at such a long age is an unfair ask.
Asexual is a large spectrum. Do you know where she falls?
Edit to include: just a quick [Google search](https://www.talkspace.com/blog/asexuality-spectrum/) but it seems to cover quite a bit
Sounds like you are sexually incompatible. What was it like at the start of your relationship? Did she always know she was ace and didn’t tell you until years later?
You’re still in your prime and if you have needs, it’s unjust if she expects you to remain completely celibate. Have an open and honest discussion with her. See whether you can meet eachother halfway and reach a compromise that works for you both. Also pain isn’t normal and could be due to a medical condition. I’m not a doctor, but maybe she’ll benefit from getting that looked at.
“I just couldn’t make someone do something that wasn’t part of who they are.”
But she has asked you to do something that isn’t you for 6 years, whit almost no effort to meet your needs? Have she been in any therapy to be able to meet your needs in any way?
I feel sorry for you to be in this situation. I know if it was me I woud leave because sex and intimacy is the diffrens between a partner and a friend.