I (18F) recently lost my virginity to a guy I met on tinder (34M). Since then, we have been hooking up every weekend pretty much. We agreed up front that we are not going to date, but remain as FWB.
My roommate and some of my friends are calling me a “sl*t” (apparently this sub doesn’t like that word) and saying that he is a “creep” and “pervert”. But honestly I don’t see the issue. If it’s consensual and we both enjoy it, and have no expectations, is it really wrong? He doesn’t pressure me at all, and I feel totally comfortable with him. I feel like they may be jealous but I’m not sure.
tl;dr: My friends are judgmental because I have an older FWB.
23 comments
Seems creepy as fuck to me too, but if you genuinely feel comfortable then I don’t see the big problem.
That being said, I’ve heard a lot of stories where older guys groom younger women, and the women feel reaaaal comfortable at first.
It definitely doesn’t make you a s*** & that’s honestly very rude and immature of them to call you that.. when I was 18 I’m sure I would not have thought it was weird to hook up w a 34 year old either. In fact I was actively seeking sugar daddies at that age lol. Now as a 27 year old I can’t imagine hooking up w an 18 year old (no offense to you, there’s just a big difference in maturity) & I think it could be kind of suspicious of the guy. Just watch out and be careful. <3 and enjoy!
So, were you the one not interested in dating him or did he suggest just being FWB?
You’re not the S-word. Your friends are wrong about that.
However, that dude is almost certainly a creep. They’re almost certainly right about that.
Anyway, I don’t know what one more voice (and from a stranger at that!) is going to do to convince you of anything. Your mind seems pretty made up and you’re less here looking for advice and more like looking for approval. This will likely just be a mistake you have to make to realize it’s a mistake.
Just mix in a little caution with your fun. Be smart. Keep your head on a swivel. Don’t be too shocked if his personality twists a bit over time. If the situation turns into something you don’t want to be a part of, be able to walk away. Get tested for STDs occasionally.
And try not to let ALL of your bridges get burned with your (well meaning and somewhat wise) friends over this. You’re going to need them if/when this all turns to shit. What you DO NOT want is for this guy and this situation to leave you isolated from alternate support avenues. Even if they seem like assholes now, even if your situation is completely consensual and fun and fine… this is the very definition of a bad bet and you’ll be happy to have them around when the bill comes due.
You are not a “s***”, but yes, he is a creep and a pervert. You will understand when you are older.
As a dude I personally find this dynamic weird and icky. But funnily enough you’re two consenting adults and can do whatever you like. I’m not gonna judge you for it, it’s just not for me.
Oh honey. You’re not a s***. Of course not!
But yes-
He is absolutely a creep. You’re on a one way road to heartbreak. Tread carefully.
I know you cannot see this now but in 10 year you’re going to realize how wrong this is.
As a 36 year old I look at anyone under the age of 20 as a child. I assure you he feels the same way. It’s unbelievably creepy that he is having sex with you.
Someday you will be the age he is now and look at an 18 year old boy and realize how insanely messed up this time in your life was.
Lol, your friends aren’t jealous you’re a NSA hookup for a dude in his mid-30s.
Dear God please never let me have a daughter
It’s really weird! I’m 29 and I see 18 years olds as children!! This is messed up! This guy is a big fucking freak and u’re beeing taken advantage of! Please stop this! You just think it’s fun because it’s you’re only experience! There is a lot of guys out there, guys you’re age and people who are willing to have relationships with you!
It’s disappointing your friends called you that slur, especially as on the other hand they are also accusing him of being a creep. That would make it victim blaming at that point, surely. You aren’t a s word just for being sexually active and given this is an established dynamic and restricted to one person that sort of seems the opposite of what is traditionally meant by that insult.
Still, be careful. He knew the age gap was a problem based on what you said meaning that if any point he lead you to believe it could be more than that he was both lying and manipulating you. This is just a good time to be conscious of boundaries and aware of feelings and pull the pin the second you notice you want more because he can never offer it or if you ever get the sense he is just saying what you want to hear in order to keep you in orbit. Be aware also you were not looking in a good place for a relationship if that was your goal.
As for your friends, well, be aware from their perspective this is an almost cliched setup for you either having your heart shattered or, I dunno, your head cut off or something. They aren’t unreasonable to be concerned, though their approach to it is deeply disappointing [though given your ages not unexpected].
You’ve got the capacity to make your own decisions, some people don’t like the idea of the age gap which I get if you were dating it COULD be weird.
When I was 19 I regularly hooked up with a 30 year old, but I’m a guy that was hooking up with a woman so it was less frowned upon because of double standards and all that.
I knew exactly what I was doing and in no way wanted a relationship. If this is the case and they’re a decent person and not trying to seclude you from others or making you feel bad about yourself then you do you. Just be careful.
I find it weird how that you have only slept with one guy and that they are calling you a Sl*t …..your just not looking for commitment at the moment … you need better friends
Don’t worry about your friends just make sure you don’t let it become something unsafe. Their opinions don’t matter as long as you are comfortable and enjoying yourself . You are just a girl living her world
He is a creep and a pervert. Grown men shouldn’t be attracted to children. You couldn’t even have a drink with him at a bar. Your friends are absolutely right about their assessment of him
You need better friends. You mind is already made up. And it is creep. I feel like you already know that and is looking for approval, not any help.
They’re not judgemental they’re rightfully protective.
Age aside, this guy has like 10+ more years of experience as an adult than you.
There’s a power imbalance in your relationship with him by default, through age and gender.
You’re not anything bad for being in this situation or enjoying it. Maybe that’s where your friends have gone wrong… they’re making you feel bad personally rather than just looking out for you.
Be careful, regardless. Hope it works out
You’re not a s word, but this guy is still predatory and skeezy. I’m 34 and view people your age as children. He is in the wrong for approaching someone your age because of the power imbalance.
I’m a dude in my 30s and I would feel gross being with a girl who isn’t even old enough to share a drink with me. This can only end badly.
It’s Reddit so everyone is going to hate the dynamic. But I don’t see anything wrong with it. There’s nothing wrong with men being attracted to an 18 year old at any age. Every study shows men of ALL ages find women aged 20ish to be the most attractive. There’s a reason that “teen porn” is by far the most watched porn for men of all ages and porn stars are basically canned a few years into their 20s. You can think it’s gross, but it’s just how men are wired.
For dating it can be a lot harder though. You probably won’t connect on any sort of culture. People will view it as awkward and weird and this will probably make him uncomfortable. His friends probably don’t care because they are men too.
No doubt the guy can be a gentleman though. People commenting as if he must be some really bad guy for wanting this, he could be but this alone doesn’t mean that’s the case. He could in fact be a really great guy.
I was in a similar age gap relationship at your age, and now that I am the same age as he was at the time, it makes me absolutely nauseous to think about. I regret it deeply and wish I had spent that time (it went on for a little over a year) with people my own age – it feels like I missed out on that part of my youth. I understand the appeal, I definitely felt super mature/cool/desirable at the time for someone older wanting me in that way. But I agree with so many of the other comments here – looking back now it just seems so predatory and gross and I WISH I realized it at the time.
You aren’t the s-word by any means. It is very understandable for you at your age to want this and think it is fun for now. But if I were in your shoes, I would leave. Maybe listen to the song 29 by Demi Lovato for some more perspective. Best wishes to you OP. You have a lot of life ahead of you, and better partners!
If you are comfortable with it just go for it.