I’m writing this here because I have no idea what to do… My wife and I have been married for 6 years, together for 14, met at 20yo.
For the first 5/6 years she was normal, had low self esteem about normal girl stuff as we all do, was she pretty enough, she might be over weight etc etc (all of which wasn’t true) and I would tell her this, tell her she’s beautiful as much as you would do. Totally normal, all fine. We used to send each other sexy photos, have photos of us taken on nights out, send each other selfies… no longer
Fast forward to her late 20s, (she works in a hospital so her hours are pretty long), with work and life (mortgage) etc, she becomes more and more negative about her own self image and worth. I’m not talking woe is me I’m awful, but believing she’s not attractive, pretty, good at anything, etc.
To clarify, no one is telling her this, it is all completely in her own mind.
It’s got to the stage where I can’t even tell her she’s beautiful or good at anything, because she’ll believe I’m just telling her that but really don’t believe it. I also can’t criticise (and by criticise I mean ask her how she plans to make dinner (I’m a cook, so we talk about food often) because she’ll believe she’ll just do it wrong, or that I believe she’s doing it wrong).
And now in my head, i can’t give her compliments or tell her she’s good or anything, because I know she’ll believe im lying. There’s a point at which you get told you’re bullshitting one too many times that you go, ok, I must be… and I can’t help that. I need to fix this.
To be clear, there are no mitigating circumstances in our relationship to cause this. And it extends to her working life, her friends etc, all of which have noticed this behaviour. She didn’t have the best childhood, being heavily criticised and bullied by her parents and grandmother for being ugly, unfashionable, unattractive, clumsy, lazy etc… but in the first years of our relationship I thought we had gotten past that.
Any advice would be great? I don’t know what to do!
Ashley
1 comment
Reinforce the desired behavior. When she isn’t negative, tell her how nice it is that she’s lifting your vibe.
Compliment her indirectly. Make it so she overhears you bragging about her- in person or when you are on the phone with other people.
Extinguish the behavior you don’t want by completely ignoring her when she does it. Walk out of the room, turn the radio on in the car, put ear buds in, etc.
Give her a workbook on rejecting perfectionism, building self esteem, etc.
Model strategies you use for self-esteem. Talk about times where you feel insecure and what mantras or visualization or whatever strategies you use to get your MOJO back.
Remember, you can support her, but you can’t fix or change her. Only she can do it.
We are each responsible for our own happiness.