Not a native english speaker, tl;dr at the bottom.
I’m (28M) having some trouble with the woman (Linda, 31F) I’ve been seeing recently, because she is much more attractive than I am and I’m not her type of guy, looks wise.
She is the best friend of my best friend’s girlfriend and we’ve known each other for around 10 months, when we first met at a barbecue my best friend was throwing. Nothing happened then, we made some small talk and chilled, everything was cool. She is not the type of woman I would usually try to get with, to spare my own feelings from the inevitable rejection. I’m a short chubby guy, very little beard, not necessarily very attractive. She is very fit, goes to the gym a lot, incredibly beautiful face and eyes and smile.
Since we first met at the barbecue, we met a couple more times while at my best friend’s house, which again, nothing happened except for some small talk. No flirting or anything.
Anyway, last week I had an awful day on Tuesday. I was annoyed at life, I was sad about a few things in my life and I decided to have a drink and smoke a joint and let my feelings out, alone, while listening to some music. My best friend called and asked me to help him with something, but I told him I couldn’t because I was drunk. He forced me to come over and drink with him instead of alone, so we did.
At some point Linda called my best friend and asked him if she could come over because she wanted advice about her ex bf, who broke up with her 2 months ago and whom she had just had an after-relationship-dinner to discuss stuff.
Anyway, she came over and the three of us talked for a couple of hours until we came to the topic of weed and how I am able to provide some for her if she needs any, because her ex was her last source. At some point she asked if I wanted to smoke some with her that night, which we then went and did. In the car she made clear, we were just going to smoke a joint and go sleep.
Obviously, that’s not what happened. We sparked up and had an incredible conversation for hours. That’s the thing, the only good thing I’ve got going for me is my brain. I’m somewhat intelligent, and I LOVE “deep talk” and interesting conversations. Linda completely jumped on, and we immersed ourselves in the moment. I ended up sleeping over, nothing physical happened though.
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Even though nothing happened that night, we’ve hung out every chance we had since then. When we get done with our busy days, we call or text each other (which we do throughout the day anyway) and shyly see if the other wants to hang out. It’s kinda cute, ngl. I’ve slept at her place 5 times in the last 8 days, including after her birthday party, which she invited me to on our first night.
Since this first night, she has told me the most incredible things, how much she likes to hang out with me, how weird it is that I’m pushing all of her buttons in the exact correct order, how “You’re making me fall in love with you”, how she feels incredibly safe and secure and comfortable around me.
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Here’s the problem: she is not, or at least not very attracted to me. She says it’s because of stuff I can’t change, like my height (I’m a few cm taller than her, not much though), my complexion, my age, which I believe her. We’ve been cuddling every night, incredibly intimate and close. Last night we kissed for the first time, after she told me that she wasn’t super attracted to me. She explained this was the reason for her hesitation towards being intimate with me. She told me the kiss didn’t really do it for her, which didn’t dampen the mood at all, we continued talking and cuddling deeply. We kissed a couple more times, which turned to making out a little. Today, she started talking about sex, making dirty jokes and so on. I’m so confused as to what’s happening.
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The question, as the title suggests, is how do I (we) deal with this? The feelings are definitely building, there is no doubt about that. I’ve started working on me as a person and on my body since before we started hanging out and I’m incredibly motivated to continue to do so. Not for Linda, but she is definitely giving me a huge boost in motivation.
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Tl;dr: Me, a somewhat unattractive guy, has been talking to a goddess of a woman and is “making her fall in love with him” with his brain. She is not really physically attracted to him, but she has never felt this way about someone in such a short time.
7 comments
“I’m a short chubby guy, very little beard, not necessarily very attractive.”
u/OP you need to start looking and loving yourself first. It seems to me that you may low self-esteem and confidence. Start building that up…If you start with that, then you’re on the right path. Then your whole perspective would change! also another thing, humour is key!! if you can make her laugh then it won’t matter if you have a 6 pack. there are loads of other dudes out there who’s very attractive but that is it.. got nothing else to offer. You need to start slow and incorporate staying fit/eating healthy CONSISTENTLY. then you will start looking better, feeling better, feeling more attractive and ergo more confident. You won’t end up thinking that you’re not worth it because someone is too attractive to have you.. think of marilyn Monroe and arthur miller… it’s all in the head bruv.. I think she likes you otherwise she wont spend that much time with you.. how long has this been going on for?
If she tells she is not attracted to you, don’t force it as you may have major problems down the road. Right now you are both in the honeymoon phase, yes you make her laugh, yes you may nake her smile, but what happens when all those feelings vanish? She is going to be hit very hard with the reality she doesn’t find you attractive.
Now you obviously can try your luck and see what happens, but don’t be surprised if it falls apart. In my opinion continue working on yourself and date someone who actually is attracted to you.
This doesn’t sound pretty promising for me. Sorry, bro.
Sentences like „never felt like this with someone“, „pushing all my buttons“, „making me feel soo safe and secure“ at this stage are warning signs. She sounds like she is lovebombing you. Usually something narcistists and woman with borderline disorder tend to do.
There is no way of being truly in love with someone and don’t find him/her attractive. That’s bullshit. That’s not love, she is searching for someone who idealize her, to push her ego, take care of her and will never leave her. She even started abusing you by basically telling you she finds you unattractive – and you don’t even mind.
Take care of yourself.
Dude, don’t be soo desperate
Stand your ground and be upfront with women, tell her she doesn’t get to use you as a bf but still telling you she’s not attracted to you because of your height etc
She’s either being manipulative and wants to see how hard you’ll ‘work’ for her, or she actually IS attracted to you but doesn’t want you to know it.
Either way, don’t let her treat you like this
You’re underestimating the power of intelligence. Internally you’re seeing yourself as out of her league based on looks. Imagine if personality and intelligence was considered hot the same way physical appearance is!? Get into the mindset that you ARE a catch and she’d be lucky to have you.
I do think you need to be a little more assertive. Any comments she makes about her type – match her!
Be careful, it sounds like she’s using you as a rebound after her bf dumped her. You’re providing an ego boost and comfort. Set boundaries when she’s being hurtful and respect yourself. Looks aren’t everything and you can definitely find a partner that doesn’t bring you down with comments like these.
I think she needed someone like you after her breakup, because new love interest distract you from your last ones and you clicked well. That’s why she reaches out, why she’s actually involved, she does like that, but for anything more than that she doesn’t picture you as a potential partner in the long run.
The first thing you should do is put limit to this behaviour. Truth is, you shouldn’t allow her to test it out like she actually needed to be heavily convinced to try out something with you. You’re it just your look or just your personality, it’s you as a whole. If she wants to take it and you’re interested in that, she can. If she doesn’t or will be unsure for long, then she can leave you alone or come back when she’ll have decided. It sounds like you lack confidence in yourself as a whole and because of it, you make yourself too easily available for her. It’s not fair to you and it doesn’t force her to put the actual effort and make a choice.