Backstory: I am a 36f, him 35m. I suffer from germ / contamination anxiety and have pushed my partner to the end of his rope unfortunately. I am actively trying to get better, in therapy, however still suffering a lot. Otherwise we have a pretty good long term relationship but the germ stuff causes a lot of conflict and of course is extremely frustrating for him as it’s messing with his life.
Situation: In a recent argument that stemmed from a contamination situation, he says “If things don’t improve I am going to trade you in” he also uses this term a lot when watching tv like on a reality show, like “he should trade her in” I always bring up that that is super offensive and that we are not objects you can trade in. He never uses the actual words break up if we have gotten into a fight which I would prefer, instead an alternate version like “trade you in”. He say it in a sort of joking way, he is a light jokster kind of guy and says things like that and does not think sometimes deep enough to realize it’s offensive. So first question, is this really offensive, or a funny choice of words? In our relationship he is the one that is the majority provider as I run a small business so that’s what makes it more icky.
Second situation, this morning while cuddling, I said to him, it really hurts me when you refer to me as someone you can trade in it’s hurtful and you shouldn’t refer to someone as an object etc he said fine but I am really at the end of my rope etc… and then said “you’re like a dog you bring back to the breeder” that hurt me even more then the other one, so obviously I reacted and he went on a rant about how he is not having fun anymore and I need to improve because he is at the end of his rope (which is valid) but it still takes away from the really offensive thing he said. To him it’s just loose words but I take words very seriously. I also have trouble forgetting and when someone says something mean I always remember it.
Anyway just hoping for some opinions on how offensive it was to say those things and how do I best handle this. I of course try to say this is hurtful and why but in return he will just go on a rant of things that have been bottling up for him and the actual mean words said will get glossed over.
TL;DR my boyfriend referred to me as someone he will trade in if things don’t change instead of just saying break up then in a discussion about that later he said that I am like a dog you return to the breeder.
8 comments
>I have pushed my partner to the end of his rope unfortunately… Otherwise we have a pretty good long term relationship
Maybe it’s the semantics, but I can’t quite accept these two statements being connected. How good can it really be if he’s at the end of his rope and he makes all these comments? Why is he still with you at all if he’s not happy with the situation? Or is he waiting for you to snap and dump him so he doesn’t feel like the bad guy?
I don’t know what it is about these posts, but why do people always get so upset when their partners tell them something has hurt them? If someone tell you you’ve hurt them, apologize and don’t do the hurtful action again. Your partner is 35 years old, that’s more than old enough to take accountability for the shitty things he’s saying. The people on his reality show cannot hear him. You can.
Also, are people out here taking dogs back to breeders?
I find it funny. You could bark next time he says something like that. Maybe he’s a furry.
To joke about to trade the partner in isn’t offensive and that he’s making more money doesn’t make the joke more icky, it’s making you more sensitiv.
The phrase with the dog is in fact an insult. I guess he’s really at the end of his nerves and wanted to provoke you because he feels hurt by you always turning him into the bad guy. No excuse for being shit, but an explanation.
I would suggest to stop blaming him for jokes immediately and don’t criticize him for getting provocative as long you stress him that much. You both need some time out of arguments.
Maybe he’s a piece of garbage you should throw out?
A partner who makes a habit of making break up threats, even jokingly, is being emotionally abusive and extremely disrespectful. Zero Tolerance should be your approach to this.
I seriously think you should leave him.
My impression is that it is strange of you to focus on his turn of phrase here, when the content of what he’s saying is that he’s thinking about ending the relationship. To me that seems like a much bigger deal for your relationship than his gross language choices.
Is it really his choice of metaphor (i.e. comparing you to a dog or car) that is hurting you more than the implication that he doesn’t want to be together? Its rude if him, but if that’s the bigger deal to you, it implies you don’t really care about his unhappiness in the relationship or the fact that you may not be together imminently.
I would imagine he is having difficulty expressing himself clearly so he is using these rude, jokey, laddish turns of phrase. I wouldn’t want people talking to me like that, but it feels like one or both of you is using this as a distraction from talking about the bigger issue.
You could try to clarify and get to the bottom of things e.g. “I don’t like this dog metaphor at all, but is what you’re trying to say here is that you’re unhappy with me and you don’t want to be with me anymore?”
If it makes you feel any better, my partner refers to me as a “mother fucking arsehole”
I understand that he’s probably stressed out by the germ/contamination stuff but it’s incredibly rude and derogatory to refer to you as a dog or to say that he would trade you in. Especially if you’ve repeatedly told him how much it upsets you. At this point, it sounds like he’s purposely negging you in hopes that you’ll break up with him so he doesn’t have to put in the effort (if he’s really at the end of his rope).