I told him that he should first touch some other places like my legs and belly and hug me to “warm up” before going for my chest but he got mad and took it as he has to work every time he can touch my boobs.
And this is the first time i told him he shouldnt go staright for my boobs when we cuddle. We talked about it and he said sorry but i dont think he still understands and i dont know do i understand it myself either.
We been together for over 1 year and we are very comfortable around each other but does anyone know why i feel like i dont want him to touch me little “sexually” straight away?
He said that its same as if i had to work before being able to hug him.
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I personally don’t see anything wrong with him touching your boobs (if it’s only that) while cuddling. BUT that’s me, if you don’t feel comfortable with it that is completely valid and he has to respect it. You might wanna dive deep into your emotions and try to find out what makes you uncomfortable about it, he is looking for basic intimacy.
> I told him that he should first touch some other places like my legs and belly and hug me to “warm up” before going for my chest but he got mad and took it as he has to work every time he can touch my boobs
Easy. Grab his hands and show him where you like to be touched! I’m sure if you provide some ah *vocal* feedback he’ll get the message.
> does anyone know why i feel like i dont want him to touch me little “sexually” straight away?
I don’t think it’s that unusual to not want to be sexually stimulated out of nowhere. But understand unless you’re an A cup some incidental contact is basically unavoidable.
You repeat the title of this post followed by the first paragraph.
He doesn’t need to understand. He just needs to do it.
Then you can think about reasoning. By the way it’s the most normal thing in the world. Touching the breasts is kinda sexual and I wouldn’t want to be touched in this way immediately either. I need some warming up to. Kissing, stroking…
He probably feels a little insecure about it, because he thinks he might have done something you hate. Maybe tell him it’s just something you would prefer but that he doesn’t need to bad or guilty because he did it before.
He understands already. He just doesn’t care about your needs or boundaries.
Obviously, it’s your body and you can have It on your way, but to me touching boobs and staring boobs by the person you already share a sexual life, are just fine and I wouldn’t like my SO asking permission. I’m saying that, because maybe you can easy yourself into it, start to like It and everybody will be satisfied…š¬š¤
Not saying that’s what you should do, but just give It some thought!
First you need to figure out for yourself why you don’t like him doing this straight away, and then articulate to him in a clear matter why you think so.
If he doesn’t respect this, dump him.
I think itās more about how you both feel, than about the touch itself.
Maybe it would help if you could help him understand how you feel when he goes straight for the boobs.
We get a lot of unwanted attention to those areasā¦comments, stares, and sometimes groping or worse. Or weāre objectified and reduced merely to our boobs. Itās natural for you to feel guarded about them.
The guys Iāve been with have all been *very* grabby. I was SAād when young so at first it was triggering for me. But for them it was mostly an expression of desire and appreciation that they didnāt put much thought into.
Also let him know how you feel when it comes to cuddling and other forms of touch. For example, it makes you feel loved, cared for, etc. And that itās important to you.
If you both understand each other and can get to the same page, then hopefully you can incorporate both types of touch. Cuddling and gentle touch for the sweet moments, straight-to-the-boobs touch when heās horny or just really amazed by them.
This isn’t that hard.
Sexy touch that is done in a sexy context, wanted and welcomed? Yay!
Sexy touch before a sexy context is established, unexpectedly? Yike!
So yeah, if he wants to see establishing a sexy context as ‘work’, (…turnoff) he has to work to touch your boobs.
And btw, if he said ‘please ask before you hug me’ you would (drumroll) ASK BEFORE YOU HUG HIM. His example is stupid, because you would have no problem respecting his very small request.
Communication is important! Also needing softer stimulation is important for you before sexual stimulation. He needs to respect that
You have the absolute right to sexual boundaries and to have your consent respected. Period. It doesn’t matter if your boyfriend thinks this is arbitrary. Even if it is arbitrary, so what? You do not need to justify your sexual boundaries to him or to anyone.
Tell him this. Tell him that sexual boundaries and consent are absolutely, positively, sacrosanct and that you do not owe him a justification or an explanation for not wanting him to touch your boobs whenever he wants. He is not entitled to full access to your body whenever the hell he feels like it simply because he’s your boyfriend.
If he still can’t get this through his head after you’ve explained it, then dump him. A person who genuinely loves you will treat your boundaries and consent with the utmost respect.
If he does do what you request, but acts sulky and petulant about it, dump him. That kind of behavior is incredibly immature at best, and a calculated attempt at sexual coercion at worst.
idk why everyone seems to be trying to convince you to be ok with it… you get to decide how you want him to touch you and not and he needs to respect that, he’s not just inherently entitled to touch your boobs whenever he wants to
edit:
also him getting mad at you, trying to convince you your boundary is wrong and demanding you justify it before he can respect it seems to me like a bit of a red flag
Easy. Tell him you do not consent to having your boobs touched without non-sexual physical contact first.
Then if he throws another pity party about not being able to objectify you and trample your boundaries and consent, you dump his entitled ass and get a better boyfriend.
You are not a sex doll, youāre a human being with your own needs and he isnāt meeting them. He doesnāt even seem to *care* about them.
Thats a deal breaker for me
Possibly he sometimes want to touch your boobs in a non sexual way – I do all the time – but if your breast are sensitive it may be always felt as sexual for you.
If you are cuddling on the couch a he nest your book in his hand, without further movement, would that be sexual and unwelcome or not?
Might be worth it to look at this angle.
“Boobs are an errogenous zone just like my genitals. They need to be warmed up just like my genitals. You know that trying to jump into penetration with no warm up can be painful for me. Trying to go straight to fondling my breast with no warm up can feel very jarring. If you want me to enjoy it as much as you enjoy it I need you to slow down.”
Comparing hugging and grabbing your boobs is not the same. Even if it was, yes you have your own boundaries and he has to respect it.
As for why you feel this way, it can be a sensory thing that you need x to come before y.. it can just be the mental aspect that you want to be touched in general not just your boobs. Most likely is your past experiences/trauma that you haven’t processed.. you might have felt been there done that or maybe it didn’t even bother you much at the time, that type of experience hits deeper than you think and later when it reappears it makes no sense until suddenly it clicks.
The why might better explain it for you both but the reality is that it’s a boundary that he needs to respect. I would reinstill the fact that it’s not exclusive to bf, it’s just something you struggle with and you’re asking him to please navigate around it.
…he considers touching places that aren’t your boobs “work”???
Hey fellow boob lover here lol for me grabbing my wife boobs isnāt sexual lol they are warm and they are there and they happen to be at a good height for me to come in from behind cuddle up real close and just hold her boobs while we lay there and chat! Just a different perspective for you!!!!
It is *not* the same as having to work up to hugging him, because a hug is not inherently sexual and hugging him is not completely oversexualised by society. Boobs are comfortable, soft and lovely, I get it, but I personally hate the focus of attention they get and am absolutely in agreement with you that they should be treated with the same respect genitals get in regards to kissing and hugs and intimate words before they’re touched.
It is normal and OK to place those boundaries, maybe try telling him that you don’t want negative associations with him touching them by forcing yourself to put up with it, and that even if he doesn’t understand why you feel that way that you hope he can simply respect that you *do* feel this way and that his respect will actually lead you to feel more at ease with it in the moment in the future.
Others already gave great advice, so I’ll comment on the “why?” piece. For me, it’s because I experience responsive desire rather than spontaneous. And if I haven’t been “warmed up” then I find it absolutely repulsive and I feel like I’m an object to them. This leads to an overall decrease in drive and desire, and eventually resentment when they don’t get the picture. Physical touch and intimacy isn’t just sexual, and I require some level of intimacy in order to be sexual. Not sure if it’s the same for you or not.
Is there an exception for going to sleep? Ngl holding a breast while spooning is not always a sexual advance. Itās a straight comfort thing for me. Then again I guess there was soft cuddling before that.
Tell him you canāt just jam the car in 5th and floor it. Youāll stall out. Tell him heās got to work through all the gears. Sometimes if need be we can jump for 2nd to 4th but doing that all the time is bad for your transmission. I hope heās a car guy.
Damn, imagine having such a gf.
I feel like one of the most alarming parts of this is that he thinks touching your body is āworkā.
My wife has been telling me that for 34 years. I dont listen.
Zero warm up = groping and groping feels gross even when youāre in a relationship.
Tell him it feels like getting oil checked or smack his dick next time he does it .
Doesn’t sound like you are compatible. If I had to mark off a checklist every time I wanted to cop a feel. I just wouldn’t.
Find a guy willing to put in the work every time he wants to touch you and everyone will be happier.