Here’s the thing: I’m honestly not bashing people saying it, as I understand that it’s more-so “I dont see this as a fixable issue”. I think it’s just that it’s really not constructive. Breaking up, especially in a long term monogamous relationship where you’re in love is WAY harder to do than this phrase indicates.
As for my situation… I’ve tried communicating my needs. And it’s been a repeated conversation as it only is resolved that same day, once, and then we don’t have sex until I ask again. I’m very, VERY frustrated tbh.
That being said, I am in love. And I’m so confused on what to do. I’m masterbating in bed next to him every night while he sleeps, and it sucks. We have such solid communication skills with each other, but this is one issue that he just doesn’t seem ready to fix. I need advice on how to work through this.
I’ve asked him about opening the relationship; neither of us are interested. I’ve tried dulling it down to just hj’s or bj’s for him; still not working. I’ve tried asking him for massages; he holds his body away from mine because he knows that I get horny from it. I’ve tried cuddling him naked, but he just holds me and rubs my arm and face and gives me lots of hand/forehead kisses.
Maybe this is just a venting post… and I guess that’s what it became. But if someone does have advice, someone has gone through this, ANYTHING. I love him immensely. I just want him to want me physically and it’s destroying my self esteem.
27 comments
Many things can reduce a man’s libido to nearly nothing.
– Low testosterone
– stress 😖
– physically tired/exhaustion 💤
– some/many medications 💊
Question: was your relationship ever at a satisfying level of sexual for you? If so, did something change? Stress from work or family, life changes, depression, grief, anxiety, weight gain, new medications; any of these could contribute to a lack of sex drive. The two of you may be able to communicate about a lot of things but he does not feel like he can talk to you about it because he isn’t feeling that desire.
On the other hand, if this is how it’s always been, this is how it’s going to be. It may be that your partner is simply demi- or asexual, and either doesn’t know it or doesn’t know how to express it.
In any case you know yourself and your needs. Being direct about your desires is very good, and you should encourage him to speak to his needs and desires as well. Once you both know where you stand, you can determine the future of your relationship together. Good luck!
Is there a cause, like stress, medication, health problems or hormonal changes? Sometimes they just need time to sort things themselves, or some help with things they find stressful, maybe to have it checked up, or to take a break from the routine.
But if it’s a drastic change that has been going on for too long, and it’s affecting you negatively, I’d say you should consider breaking up, even if it hurts now.
He might be in a low energy funk. You mentioned his job is not satisfying. Is he doing anything to build his energy?
Might not be applicable, but for me I put a lot of effort into being good at sex and making it fun for my partner. However when I’m in a rough patch I feel like if I can’t give it my all it won’t be any good so I’d rather not do it all.
Maybe say to him that you want to do this for him. Let him just relax like you’re giving him a massage. That’s what I’d want if I was struggling from some personal issue and didn’t want to fuck
This is an incredibly tough situation to be in, and I’ve lived it myself. For me, the breaking point was that communication on this became impossible. He was feeling a bunch of shame, as I found out later – the idea that as a man he got “out-hornied” by his girlfriend when surely he should be the one complaining about his gf never wanting sex. He had a bunch of erection issues that I found NP and were completely managable, but he was ashamed and also never wanted to talk about it.
And what’s worse, maybe, OP, or well not really for me cause at that point I didn’t care, but it slowly became apparent that he really felt no attraction towards me (anymore, if ever). Our relationship was a bit of an odd one, in the end we were together based on necessity and guilt.
The relationship before that was similar in the sex department, except it was me not wanting. And that was because 1) life stress 2) medication 3) sexual incompatibility. Sex with him was dreadfully boring. And I didn’t know how to talk about it.
The common theme between your story and my two stories, is communication. I know you’re in love, but it is my experience that a sexless relationship is untenable in terms of happiness, for those to whom sex is important, and I think sex is important for a great part of people. The first ex I mentioned ended up having an affair, and the one after that ended very poorly too. That one was 8 years ago and I’m having therapy for that today still, to get you an idea.
I know it’s shit to end relationships based on what we have been taught shouldn’t be important. But sex *is* important. And while you don’t want to break up, the mere fact that *it’s in your head* means that the topic of sex is an immense threat to your relationship *right now*. And this means that eventually, your relationship will die. Maybe not directly because of sex, but maybe indirectly – the loss of self esteem, the resentment, the loss of feeling loved or intimate are all important aspects in your relationship.
To this end I advice a sex-positive relationship counselor, so you both have some help breaking through the communication barrier that exists between you. If you want to preserve a happy relationship on the long run, this issue needs to be addressed, and the way to address it, IMO, is to get communicating again.
>I’ve tried asking him for massages; he holds his body away from mine because he knows that I get horny from it.
Well this sounds like the base for a thriving relationship.
You need to face the facts… dump him, it won’t work out and no amount of talking will force him to be attracted to you.
I think I see where an “I don’t think this is a fixable issue” comments might come from. Ignore that it involves sex for a moment and consider this:-
You have *repeatedly* raised a problem in the relationship which is affecting you deeply and he does not address it beyond a temporary effort when you get upset with him.
His behaviour is a pattern, it is how he views your relationship – he does what he wants and you’re just… there, like a pet, or his mum.
This is where the “unfixable” problem comes in. He’s happy, he’s comfortable, he’s getting what he wants, when he wants it and you are the one who has a problem. It’s not a case of readiness, he doesn’t *want* to fix it to make you happy.
How do you feel that behaviour is likely to play out as you create more complex ties, like buying a home together or having children.
It is scary and hard to leave a relationship that isn’t working but people who have often been in that situation are saying in their experience people don’t change and that they saw the problems after 2/3 years and regret not getting out sooner.
So – here’s what I suggest… He’s hurting you, you recognise that, you have told him that he is hurting you, and now it needs to stop. There are two ways that can happen; he changes or you leave him. There’s no need to make him an ultimatum but you need to decide for yourself what actions you need to see from him, when they need to happen, and what you’ll do if they don’t happen.
Is there anything that he truly loves to do but can’t have access to such as not being in the norm possibly during early years through parents guidance ?
The reason people always say break up for this one is because it’s one of the ones where neither person is wrong and there really isn’t a way to make both people happy. It’s like “I want to be childfree and he wants five kids” or “I want to buy a home and he wants to travel the world.” You’re both entitled to want what you want, but how is it possible to find a compromise? Either he’s having sex he doesn’t want to have or you’re giving up sex.
I’ve been married 43 years, and in the last 40, not once did she initiate sex, or do anything sensual – in fact our sex life was about twice a year…and her look of disgust at me for masturbating was horrible! I’ve now met an amazing woman who fulfills my desires, and who I in return love intensely….don’t waste your life if you’re not fulfilled!
And this is why many people chime in with “break up” advice; you say “I am in love” but then say that your situation “sucks” and I completely understand – you are wanting to sort out this discrepancy in your sex drives but here is the thing – HE DOESN’T SEEM TO WANT TO OR THINK THERE IS A PROBLEM.
The fact is that love just isn’t enough to sustain a relationship – it also requires commitment and respect for your partner to want to meet in the middle of any mismatches. It needs to go both ways, if one partner is absolutely fine with the status quo/doesn’t want to address the situation, it’s of course, their prerogative to do so and to assert that boundary, but the fact is that if they DO and it leaves their partner unsatisfied that is NOT a healthy relationship as it brews resentment – it’s already happening with you by writing a “vent” post about someone you are so in love with to a forum of complete strangers. You even say it is destroying your self-esteem which is 100% NOT a healthy dynamic, even if you are in love.
This is why people often chime in with situations like this saying “just break up”. Neither of you is the bad guy, necessarily, but there is a serious incompatibility and it’s enough of an issue, despite apparently everything else being SO good that this ONE thing is, quote “destroying my self esteem”. Sometimes one little thing CAN be enough to break up an otherwise good relationship.
You have tried to address this with him – he makes short-term amendments before falling back into old habits.
You have floated the idea of an open relationship – neither of you are interested.
That leave you with 2 options – either learn to live with the sexual mismatch or break up and look for more compatible partners.
does he have any fetishes or maybe something he doesn’t feel comfortable talking about
I know you’re saying you don’t want to hear the “just break up” thing and yes, it’s not easy. But libido mismatch isn’t something you can just solve. It’s a fundamental difference in how your bodies work. People can bridge small gaps but you literally ran through all of the solutions that can help.
So what’s harder? Breaking up with someone you love because there is a sexual compatibility issue or staying in the relationship, continuing to be frustrated, hurting your self-esteem, just to break up later when you expended so much energy, endured trauma and it’s even harder to cut ties?
You can’t fix him because there is nothing to fix. You too just aren’t a match sexually.
He could have low testosterone, hb, or low blood flow. Have him go to a urologist
and a psychologist and get a full check up. Both of you all need to go see a sex therapist ASAP. This is what will help you and him find out what is going on.
The “just communicate” isn’t working so there is somewhat of a checklist I would suggest:
1. He should see a doctor/urologist, have his hormones and blood levels all checked
2. Ruling out a medical issue, then couple’s therapy would be next on the list
If therapy doesn’t work, or he is unwilling to do that, then you have two choices left
1. Decide to live like this the rest of your life
2. Move on and find someone more compatible
>That being said, I am in love.
I take it you’ve never broken up with someone you love?
By the time people spend six months together, the feeling a of attachment are already going strong. By the two year mark, they’re solidly in love. The details don’t even matter cuz your brains are both flooded with wonderful chemicals.
Eventually that settles down and compatibility starts to become a big factor. If you’re not compatible enough, resentment and bitterness are sure to build up over time, often to the point where the former lovers absolutely hate each other.
If you can see that the relationship is headed in a direction that won’t work for you long-term, breaking up *before* the wheels come completely off can be a good move for everybody. It’s definitely not easy — sometimes it’s a downright brutal decision — but sometimes hard decisions are the right move.
You say you do not want to hear “its time to break up” so I won’t say it however you need to search for and spend a couple of hours on the Reddit sub /deadbedroom. There are several subs with variations of the words “dead bedroom(s)”.
All the advice here on r/sex has been given on countless other threads and post about your topic, I do not understand why the moderators did not delete your post. But they didn’t and people have been gracious with you giving you advice. Do your own research on what a dead bedroom is and how it affects the person with the high libido over time. Love is not always enough.
A man his age is typically not sex advoidant. Something g us wrong, from him being asexual to a hormone balancing thing but YOU cannot fix him. You never can or will. He has to want it himself.
If you have told him your needs and he still doesn’t open up or try, then it seems he doesn’t really care about what you need or want.
I am dealing with a similar situation right now, I have been been trying for years and got nowhere, everything else in our marriage is perfect, and I do love him, but I am finally recognizing that not only is he neglecting my needs, but also I was unknowingly neglecting my own needs, I have been in denial for so long, but the effects on my self esteem where there, my desperation for attention was there, the desperation was there.
For me, there was additional factors that have made it impossible to just break up, we have been together a long time, and we are married, there is no “just break up” for me, but you need to figure out how is this negatively impacting you, and then figure out if you can manage.
I tried, and my desperation got so bad that I started to make mistakes, I’m not going to blame my husband for my decisions, but I started to go out and dress in provocative wear, and just get a short boost of self esteem from the attention, but once u noticed the attention, things went from there to talking to other guys, and ended up having multiple affairs, I told my husband about the affairs, and I asked for a separation, and this is where I am right now.
Of course, now is when my husband is claiming that he is going to change, but is he? I don’t have a problem trying, but it’s now harder for me to ignore my needs, like I did before.
A relationship without intimacy is basically roommates.
In my opinion, it is hard to simply decide “Let’s have more sex.” It usually requires more of a spark in intimacy or romance to lead there. So instead of trying to plan sex: plan dates! They don’t have to be expensive dinners either, just quality 1-on-1 time outside of the house. There’s a book called “adventure challenge” that generates interesting “challenges” that are fun if you need ideas (NOT the “in bed” one). And don’t believe the societal norms that he is supposed to plan the date. Tell him you planned one!
It boggles my mind how often this ‘just break up’ advice is dolled out these days. It is an action without any resolution and taking that way out without working on trying to fix what’s broken is tantamount to saying “Well my leg broke so let’s cut it off instead of put it in a splinter”. Fixing things demonstrates one’s commitment to a relationship and is a testament to character.
if your partner is not a closet asexual, then he has a much lower sex drive than you do and if he is willing to try solutions to boost his libido, then maybe that’s a route to try. There are ways to give it a go. Personally, Dates, the fruit of the date palm tree, send my libido into overdrive which troubles her because when I eat them it means I’m superhorny all the time. Other things that tend to increase a guy’s libido over time are things like chilli, some shell fish and so on. Certain vitamin supplements also contain ingredients which indirectly influence libido so he could try adding supplements to his daily intake.
The thing is, he’s got a bit of a problem. The sexual element is a pretty important aspect of any relationship and lacknof it can cause a rift between partners if one becomes frustrated by the lack of it.
I understand how you feel. My partner stopped being responsive when we went into Covid lockdown and it took and ultimatum not too long ago to force her to acknowledge there was a problem in our relationship because of it. Unlike you, I was quite adamant that I had no issue with alternatives to her because I have needs even if she didn’t. We came to a solution eventually and things are fine now.
Visit r/deadbedrooms so you can see what life will be like for you 5, 10, 15 years from now.
If you want to stay in a sexually/physically unsatisfying relationship, that’s your decision. But don’t be surprised when, sometime down the road, you realize just how emotionally worn down you are from not having your needs met.
Is it hard to break up with someone? Sure it is. Doesn’t mean that in the long run it isn’t the best thing you can do.
But again, it’s your life, not anyone else’s.
Have him see a doctor. See a therapist (individually and together). Communicate. But if those don’t work, then be miserable or find something else.
If a person does not want to have sex, that is not an issue that needs to be solved. It’s unfair to try to find ways to convince your partner to do something they don’t want to do with their body. Assuming that it’s because of some underlying issue is also presumptious. Two things can be true at once. He could be under a lot of pressure but also just not in the mood to be a sex kitten at this particular time in his life.
Offer him resources and support for his mental health. But don’t do it because you want to get more sex out of him. Your feelings of inadequacy are your own to address. You shouldn’t put the burden on the partner by telling him you need more sex to feel better. Again, that’s extremely unfair, and I don’t think you would appreciate hearing that if the situation was the other way around.
If you are adamant that you require more frequent sex to be happy in a relationship, then you do, in fact, need to leave and meet someone else. There is a reasonable expectation for our partners to try to be the best version of themselves for the relationship to thrive. But once you get to the level of asking someone to change their fundamental preferences, you are heading towards being manipulative.
If you want to see the results of trying to fix an unfixable libido mismatch or of hoping it will just get better go poke around r/deadbedrooms. That place is full of people who were too in love to do what they needed to and it only ever results in bitterness,resentment anger and pain.
Having said that,one more shot,with him knowing it’s the last shot and with professional help might be e in order. Also selling to understand what his issue is,also a topic for professional help, might help. Might not actually change much sexually but sometimes understanding the other persons reasons makes dealing with it easier,or even possible.
I’m in a very similar situation.
My gf and I (m26) are together since almost 3 years now and in the first like 6 months we had sex everyday at least once.
I knew that I always had a very high sex drive so I was very happy to have found someone who seemed to match that.
Unfortunately over time her sex drive got less and lesser until it almost disappeared in the last few months.
We talked about it a couple of times and she always says she’s sorry to not satisfy my needs at the moment and she always talks that she’s so stressed out with her college graduation and side job.
And I totally understand that I’m self-employed myself and I know what stress and hard times can do to you but it doesn’t seem like a temporary thing with her since nothing really changes in her free time and on vacation.
Whenever I try to get her in the mood I have the feeling she tries to find reasons why now is a bad moment.
I’m really frustrated and don’t want to let it out on her so I’m holding back a lot.
Like I said we talked about it before and we do so every other month. She always says how sorry she is and that she wants to try harder to give me more attention.
We have a great time overall it’s just the lack of intimacy that bothers me.
I thought about opening the relationship too but I don’t really want to open it. I’m not really a person for polygamous relationships since I really attache myself to my significant other. Also I know that I personally would be jealous if she would hook up with others (especially knowing that she doesn’t hook up with me like that) but I don’t know if she would even do that.
I don’t know it’s kind of a hard situation for me. I don’t want to pressure her or feel bad about herself but I also don’t know how to cope with my frustration anymore.
Am I the problem? Is my sex drive just unrealisticly high or am I asking for too much?