Background 1.25 year situationship, was never dating. Saw each other frequently. About split up a year ago but started seeing each other again. I’ve always had mental health issues and can’t afford to go to therapy. Never went to college. Did some major steps to possibly go to college after HS joined the army then was discharged due to an injury.
Recently broke up from this situationship. Very devastating to me. Found out he (cis male, 24) was losing feelings in the summer. I thought something was up but told myself(cis female, 22) I was overthinking.
Broke up a few weeks ago, because he felt guilty that I wanted something more. But truth be told I actually came to terms we would never be together like that. Found out that it is also partially due to my “lack of drive/ambition” and “refusal to get mental help”
I’ve always wanted to go to therapy but I can not afford it. And I’ve overcome a lot by myself with my childhood trauma. Which he knows but can someone say that to you as a valid excuse of why they broke up with you?
After the breakup I’ve been having a really hard time. I’ve started cutting myself again and the drinking is new. I can’t keep up on house chores because I just lay in bed all day. I show up to work everyday which is one of the good things I can accomplish in my life.
He also wants to stay friends but it’s just really fucking hard for me to see him and hang out with him without crying. There is boundaries when we do hang out. No kissing, no sex, and holding hands while cuddling is okay.
I have no friends in the area besides him. Makes it really difficult if I’m having a bad night because usually I would just have him come over. But I can’t have him over without crying. We could cuddle while I ball my eyes out but then I would expect more after cuddling. Not sure what to do.
Also lately he barely talks to me. Texts me once a day asking how I am doing or how work is going, don’t know how to address his sportiness.
tl;dr I’m just really sad and is need of help and have no one to turn to