Appropriate Age Gap

13 comments

1. As long as its legal there is no limit. Though I question what kind of compatibility you have the wider it gets.

2. As long as everything is legal, consensual, with another human, and that human is alive,.. then it’s fine.

   If you notice red flags with the age gap, leave, but for the most part, they’re fine.

3. (Your age)x2/2

4. (Your age /2)+7

5. In your 20s, a 5 year age gap max is appropriate since so many consequential life events happen at this stage and people are still developing physically and emotionally.

   After 30 though, I say all bets are off. If you truly find someone you connect with and you’re both 30+, whatever works for the two of you.

6. Age gap can’t be larger than the number of years the youngest person has been an adult.

   27yo has been an adult 9 years, meaning dating someone 36 is the upper limit before it seems really fishy.

   22 yo has been an adult 6 years so a 28 year old is the upper limit.

   Not perfect. There’s always the people who are gonna be “whatever is legal is fine” but there are significant changes going on with people in their early 20s and someone in their 30s and 40s dating a 22y/o has really skewed power dynamics and influence over them.

   It works tho because as you get older, the age gap matters less and less. Someone who’s 30 dating a 42 yo seems appropriate in many cases because both people have had a lot of time to be adults and develop as people. Scale that back 10 years (20yo and 32yo) and it doesn’t feel right.

   What about college folks? – Basically still applies. Someone about to graduate college probably shouldn’t be going after freshmen. But someone about to graduate and a 20 yo sophomore is a different scenario.

   I dunno people are gonna argue this but for me it passes the smell test and the cringe test.

7. Age is a number, but life is a narrative.

   What you should look at is power dynamics. Experience, money, support, those are the things that matter. And they are often (though not always) correlated with age.

   If a typical 20 year old married a typical 32 year old, that would be disconcerting. One would just be starting to figure out adulthood, the other would have had more time to figure themself out. So the younger one would be more likely to defer to the older one, and maybe never get to figure out who they were as a person. But my mom and step-dad have the same age gap and that wasn’t an issue. They were both older, on their second marriages, both had careers and kids from previous marriages, and entered on an equal playing field even if one was significantly older.

   You’d never recommend a 17 year old get married, especially not to a 21 year old, but that’s what my great-grandparents did. They were both refugees from the same home country and my great-grandma (the younger one) had been orphaned and taking care of herself for 6 years by the time they met. They’d both been through so much and powered through so much adversity, they were emotionally adults even if their ages said they were both basically children. And their marriage lasted 67 years.

   So in short: The number isn’t the important bit, but look at all the other bits that usually, but don’t always, go with numbers.

8. In a casual fwb/gf-bf it’s not long-term so not important. Age gaps are, IMHO, super important for marriage. Guys should be at least 10 years older for girls 19-24. There’s a bit of a mentorship, showing you the world aspect we like to do in between the beautiful kids. After that the lines blurr a bit & 15 becomes a good standard until 35, after which a decent guy now will likely be ~20 years older, oft with a daughter your age. That is, if any men can be had at all since competition with younger women becomes overwhelming at that stage. Even for men you normally wouldn’t take on a bet.
   ‘Just say’n!

9. This doesn’t really fit this sub. Posts are supposed to be about advice on a specific situation, not general questions.

10. It changes with age, and people.

    But generally the (Your age)÷2 them +7.

    I dated someone who was 10 years younger than me, she and I got along well, but ultimately we aged out.

11. Your age × 0.5 + 7 to (your age – 7) × 2.

    That’s a solid rule that seems to be good for most people. I think it gets a bit fuzzy later on though. Like I’m 38, so that’s 26-62 lmao. Completely fine imo, legal and people do it, but those ranges are a bit vast for people over 30.

12. my rule is we have to have been in high school at the same time

13. There is no formula but people change and when you enter in a relationship with the age gap you have to how your two mindsets will evolve during the relationship