My (21m) and gf (22f) have been together for nearly 5 years and tbh our sex life isn’t great. I’m very HL and shes quite LL, so our sex is very infrequent. Sometimes we go weeks, or even months, without sex and while if you were to ask her she would say it’s cause I never ask, I tend to give up on asking when I get turned down repeatedly over weeks. Sex is a huge part of my love language, it’s how I feel intimate and connected to her more so than her just telling me she loves me. Her love language is more touch, cuddles and affection and I do my best to be that as much as possible, so it’s so frustrating for me when she turns down sex so much. It sometimes gets to the stage where even though I know she must find me attractive to be with me, I just feel so unwanted and unsexy. I know that thats not a rational way to feel just from being turned down, it’s probably not even about me, but it does start to grate on me emotionally after a while.
Recently our relationship has had to be LDR. I only get to see her every few weeks and she doesn’t like to sext and has done it once out of the 4 months we’ve been LDR. She is coming home for Christmas for a weeks though so I want to try make every opportunity count. She might be LL but I know she still does want to have sex sometimes, and I know she bought a vibrator and brought it with her abroad. So I want to try give her as much reason as possible for her to feel like wanting to have sex, so I wanted to ask (particularly the ladies of) reddit if you had any advice on how I can come across as sexy to her so she might want me more?
Unfortunately I was not blessed with a sexy deep voice, I’m not tall and while I’m skinny I’m not very muscular, although I’ve been trying to work out every day for the last month to make myself look better. Any advice would go a long way. 🙂 Thanks
4 comments
This isn’t going to change. It’s also extremely rare that high school age relationships this long.
Sadly, you’re barking up the wrong tree.
The problem isn’t that you’re insufficiently sexy. It’s that your GF’s libido is a lot lower than yours and thus, she’s just not interested in being sexual in the ways that, for you, seem “natural.”
You’re not doing anything wrong. She’s not doing anything wrong. You just have very different sex drives and in general, these things don’t get “solved.” There’s nothing you can do to magically turn her into the kind of sex partner that would be better matched to your libido.
And moreover, if you’re going to meet her with this intense *need* for the two of you to be sexual, you’re setting both of you up for legitimate tension and potential disappointment or worse.
If you want to go see her and be with her — not just her body — then do that. If you’re going to see her because you’re desperate to have sex…it creates a recipe for disaster.
Other people will say the same thing: if you’re not happy with your sex life now, it’s not likely to “improve” (in the way you want) with time. So then you need to decide “is this the relationship I want to be in if it’s like this for another 5 years. Or ten years. Or twenty years.” You get the idea.
Don’t worry about changing your behavior. I would try to plan a romantic date or excursion for when you’re together again. Tell her you’ve planned it, but leave some mystery as to where/what you’re doing. It is sexy because you took a confident control of the plans and chose to focus the evening on spoiling her.
It’s most of the time not about you. Try to have an open conversation with her and ask her what the issue is ( in a polite and mature way)
Try plan something thoughtful or romantic with her maybe she loves specific flowers or snacks or she always wanted to go see that one movie she talk about constantly.
Maybe it’s your hygiene. This isn’t to offended you ! But from a womens perspective, a mens hygiene is super important. If you have bad bread… instand turn of. If you shower once a week … don’t you dare touch me. Maybe try to take care about yourself. Maybe put on some nice perfume or get a visit to your local dentist. Or drink some water so your lips are nice and hydrated…Plus many women love fragrances ufff especially when we wear your hoodie and it smells like our man … Urg that’s the best !
Hope that helped a bit