I (21F) have been with my boyfriend (53M) for a few months.
At the beginning, he said that every girl needed to have sex with other girls. To be honest, I’m questioning. He said two women together is like poetry. I mentioned wanting a FFM threesome at the beginning, but I only wanted it as a one time thing. It seemed to be one of the only things that got him off, so I kept bringing it up to he could get off. I’m not sure that I want it anymore.
I know I like men, but I’m not sure if I truly like women. I mean, maybe just to try it once or twice. But I truly don’t think I’m all that lesbian like he thinks. I’ve noticed I have changed a lot since being with him, and a lot of stuff I told him I wasn’t comfortable with at the beginning, we ended up doing. Stuff like 24/7 sub, age play (which I really don’t like), polyamory, and others. I told him repeatedly at the beginning that I wasn’t into any of that, he got mad. I started thinking about these things more, and then it eventually became our everyday. But, I don’t know if it’s what I’m actually into.
I’m starting to feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know if I truly want or like any of the things we do.
Advice is much appreciated.
Edit: should add he’s my first bf. Even my first kiss.
Another edit: please don’t comment rude things. I’m already vulnerable as is, I don’t need more people attacking me. I unfortunately fell in love. Every time I try to break up with him, he yells at me, so I just stay. And no this is NOT a troll post.
Another edit: he has a kid who he has full custody of. Honestly, I also feel bad leaving him because he said his son needs a mom, and that the son loves me and thinks we are perfect for each other.
Edit: thank you everyone. You are right. This isn’t a good situation and I will be leaving him. I just need to find a safe way to leave. Thank you for helping me see a bad situation before it was too late.
39 comments
He picked you to date because you have such a vast gulf of experience and power dynamic, he knew he could wear you down over time and browbeat or manipulate you into doing what he wants.
Run. Away. You should never be doing something sexually that you aren’t enthusiastic about and 100% up for. Him getting angry when you refuse him? No. Fuck that. Please, please, get out.
My advice is for you to find someone who is a lot closer to your age. 53 year old men aren’t going to have the same idea about things as a 21 year old girl. That definitely goes for sex. You might think that he has experience but it sounds like he just wants to use you so he can experience a threesome.
Runnnnn
Don’t do anything you are not 100% comfortable with. Also, that’s a huge agegap.
Run. you’re younger than me and dating someone older than my dad😳😳
If this is not a troll post, you need to get away from that manipulative monster.
Girl okay- firstly he’s old enough to be your dad. Secondly he got mad at you for saying you’re not into something. Third- as a first relationship you are giving yourself a terrible preview of what a relationship should be because this is not it. And fourth… HE HAS AN AGE PLAY KINK and you’re literally young enough to be his child. How do you not see the red flags.
I genuinely hope that you are in a position to safely leave this person.
You freely acknowledge that you are pressured into doing A LOT that you’re not comfortable with just so that he won’t be angry at you.
If your best friend had this issue, what would you advise them???
My very real advice; if you’re not living together, end the relationship. If you are, please set up something somewhere that you can go to and protect yourself.
He genuinely sounds like the worst kind of predator and is grooming you.
Leave before it gets worse
What do you think a 53M is looking for in a 21F?
There’s a reason why he’s dating a 21 year old. He thinks he can control you. He is pushing every boundary and will continue to do so. He does not love you and never will. Break up. End all contact. Get away from this guy fast.
I truly hope this is a troll post. If not, please dump that old POS and spend a little time alone getting your head together.
Look, I’m all into 8-10 years age gap when the woman is 24F or older and I’m always against people who talk like if you’re not 30 you’re stupid and easy to manipulate. But in your case, that age gap is concerning and on top of that this guy sounds like a psycho, leave, run and never look back.
You’re being groomed. Get out now
Dude, how do you not see he has an age play kink?
I know your an adult, but anyone with that kind of age gap means there’s a massive imbalance in power dynamic, which automatically puts you in a vulnerable position. He’s knows what he wants, he’s had 32 more life experience than you and can easily use that to your disadvantage. The fact his first reaction is anger when you are uncomfortable with something or try to communicate it’s not good and it’s already got you questioning yourself. Not good for the mental health. Maybe have one good conversation with him about it and talk about what you really want but red flags!!
Ummmm this screams predator. Just saying…
Hi, OP. This age difference and dynamic go together. He has a damn lifetime of adult knowledge and you’re just starting your life. Your brain is not fully formed yet. I am 37 years old and my partner is 55. I am much older than you are, but sometimes I still feel like a child in my relationship because of the 18 year age difference. However, I’ve been with many men – about 60, of varying ages. I’ve experienced many dynamics, some abusive, and I know that I am loved, supported, and respected in my current relationship. I have full autonomy and my partner never manipulates me or tries to tell me what to think. I am sexually experienced and I know what I like, and I know my partner is not attempting to fetishize me in any way.
This relationship that you are in is disturbing. You are an adult and should be respected and he should not be telling you what you like. You need to find what you like. You need to become who you are. He is already who he is and has been for a long time, and quite frankly, he should not be engaging with a woman young enough to be his daughter, barely out of adolescence, and trying to tell her what she likes because that’s what his dick wants her to like. Please leave this relationship, OP. Go find who you are and experience men within your age range. You may return to older men eventually, and that’s ok, but you need a good sense of yourself. You are number one and you should have your own power in your relationship.
I don’t even need to read the rest after seeing your ages . You’re getting groomed and your “ boyfriend” is a predator Happy Holidays
There are so many red flags in this post it is heartbreaking to read. He doesn’t love you. Someone who loves you would not do these things to you. They would not want you to feel uncomfortable, they would listen to your concerns. It is NOT normal for a heterosexual couple to force a girl to sleep with another girl. That’s HIS kink and he’s forcing it upon you.
I hope you have family or friends you can trust because you need to get out. People like him love younger women because they’re inexperienced and easy to manipulate (sorry to say, I don’t mean to offend, but in the world of dating you have 0 experience. It’s probably #1 why he chose you aside from #2, your young age)
Instead of arguing about leaving, just get your stuff and go. It may feel like love, but you still have rose colored glasses on, you’re still convincing yourself of the good parts. The bad parts are weighing more heavily here.
He is using you because you are vulnerable young woman who is inexperienced in setting boundaries and seeing red flags, and lacking confidence to believe in yourself and to protect yourself.
He didn’t want any women his age because they know better.
If you have difficulty in breaking up, do it in public in a cafe. Chances are low he will shout at you in public. Have a friend with you if you can.
Get away. Seriously. This will only get worse.
This is disgusting.
He doesn’t see you as a girlfriend, he sees you as a sex toy. Please be safe, and run the first chance you get.
This man is grooming you for sex with him and to have sex with others. He is currently desensitizing you to sexual experiences by including strangers, introducing suspicious power dynamic play, and exposing you to people you are not attracted to so he can “get off.” I know this may not seem like grooming and that you love him, but he does not love you. He is using you and trying to trap you in a relationship you cannot escape from. This is a textbook example of grooming—especially with the intent to pass a younger person around between people. It may not seem like it, but you are in danger. This is sexual coercion and entrapment. This man is trying to break you.
Are you in contact with family or friends who can help? Does anyone know you’re in a relationship with him? Or has he isolated you from a support network? I’m not sure what the situation is, but if there is any possible way to have someone assist you to get out of this situation, I would do so immediately.
I tell you all this from the perspective of someone who was groomed and didn’t see the signs at first. He doesn’t care about you are love you, OP. He is hurting you and trying to keep you trapped with him. This isn’t normal. This isn’t love. You deserve better, and you **WILL** find better. If there is any way you could contact a women’s shelter or a domestic abuse hotline, I would do so. Your situation is abuse, and you are in danger. A man who is willing to scream at you is a man who is willing to hit you. A man who is willing to hit you is a man who is willing to kill. Please, please, *please* contact a third party for assistance in getting out of this situation.
You can not be with someone just because everytime you try to break up with them they yell at you. That’s an abusive relationship. Not all abusive relationships involve physical violence, they also are things like yelling at someone for trying to break up with them and trying to pressure them into sex stuff they aren’t comfortable with.
You do not need his permission to break up with him.
Bro this dude is a coomer, drop him.
I had to read your ages a couple times.
Woah… this is a fucking bomb, and I don’t have the equipment to disarm it.
>Every time I try to break up with him, he yells at me, so I just stay
He’s going tonget mad when you leave. He’s allowed to be mad. You don’t have to prevent that.
He’s blown through every boundary you tried to set. He doesn’t care about you, he cares about who you will be for him.
You deserve someone who sees you as an actual person.
I feel like 50% of the posts in this sub are something like “I’m [17.9F] against anal but my new boyfriend [73M] has one foot in the grave and forces me to do it every time he picks me up from high school, what should I do?”
HALF PLUS SEVEN. Take the older person’s age, divide it in half, and add seven. If that number is above your age, you shouldn’t be dating them, at all. Think about how much more you know than you did when you were born. Take that difference and double it. At 32 years older than you, this guy knows ways to manipulate you that you can’t even begin to understand. You should not be dating someone older than 28, and that is the extreme far end of things.
There are zero good reasons why you should be in love/a relationship with this person, and there are hundreds of reasons why you should get out of this situation. Good luck.
Oh my god. GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT. What you’re describing is textbook toxic power dynamics that come with age gap relationships.
Please, break up. It doesn’t matter if he yells at you. Break up then block him on every thing so that you can’t see anything that he says to you. If you live with him, go live with a friend or your parents.
He’s manipulating you into things that you don’t want, and that won’t stop. I understand that it’s hard to leave relationships, especially when it’s your first one. In fact, I stayed in my very first relationship for 2 years when I knew less than a year in that I wanted out badly, but I kept not breaking up with my ex because I was afraid of hurting his feelings etc. I stayed because I felt bad for him, and it was familiar to me. I ended up miserable. I wasn’t even the one that broke it off in the end. I regret that. Do NOT do what I did. Leave him
Do not stay. I promise you, you will regret it so much if you stay. Think about your future. Put yourself first. He is not a good partner. He’s a manipulative old man that’s preying on young, naive, inexperienced, impressionable women.
Leave him asap, and PLEASE DATE SOMEONE CLOSE TO YOUR AGE or else this will likely play out again. I promise you can find people close to your age. Do not entertain old men. It’s almost always a situation of toxic, manipulative power inequities
Did you post this a day or two ago under a different name?
In any case, talk to your parents or religious leader or good friend and get help to get away from this manipulative abuser.
Honey he is GROOMING you. The age difference speaks volumes there is NOTHING that a 53 year old and a 21 year old have actually in common. He’s old enough to be your father and then some. He knew you were young and inexperienced and took advantage of that. Please please please get away from this man.
Is this for real,Jesus Christ what a creepy old guy trying to use 21 ur old girl…Run girl !!!
Leave the sexual predator
Is this shit real? 🤯
Here is how you break up. You leave and go get a police escort to get your things if you live with him. Your soon-to-be ex is a creep!
Glad to read your last edit. Good luck!
Omg. Glad you posted the last edit. I’m really glad everyone helped you see how bad your bf is. Thank you for taking the advice given about leaving him. We might just be a bunch of strangers to you, but we care about people who fall victim to abusive partners.